NEW 10-SPEED TRANSMISSION LEADS TO SHIFTER PLATE PROBLEMS

General Motors and Ford are hard at work designing a new 10-speed automatic transmission for use by both automakers, and while the transmission itself is almost ready for production, the design of the shifter plate is holding up its debut.

"With ten speeds, we thought it would be best for the shifter plate to be labeled 'P, R, N, D, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L'," said GM spokesperson Yehudi "Tex" Rodriguez.  


But Ford has what they say is a better idea.  "We think it should be labeled 'P, R, N, D, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and I', said Ford engineer Eunice Toots.

"Ours is easier to say, just say 'PrindLLLLLLLLL'," said Rodriguez.  "But Ford's comes out sounding like 'Prindabcadefgahi', which sounds like a cafe in Mumbai."

Toots counters that PRNDLLLLLLLLL will lead to driver confusion.  "How the 'L' will the driver know which 'L' he or she is in?" she asked sarcastically. 

Both companies say the issue will be resolved soon.  "We both agree on PRND, so we're nearly  halfway there," agreed Rodriguez and Toots.

EXPERT OPINION: WHY GAS PRICES ARE RISING

While they might not seem cheap, gasoline prices have actually fallen since 2012.  But experts are warning drivers to get ready to pay more at the pump.  To find out what causes gas prices to spike, Parksplug reached out to oil industry analyst Marcus Danderlog.  Here's his explanation:  

"First, we're getting kind of close to the time of year that we

change from the winter blend of gasoline to the summer blend, which requires a lot of blending.  Plus mixing.  Mixing and blending.  
They even have to hand-stir it with a large boat oar which is very labor intensive.  The summer blend also has more summery stuff in it which costs more but helps reduce emissions like nitrous oxide.  That's laughing gas, and we don't want laughing gas in our air.  Also, a couple hundred people who got laid off during the recession found new jobs, so they're driving more and that affects supply.  And then, there's maintenance.  We hate to do it, but we usually have to perform maintenance on all the refineries at the same time for some reason, so there's another supply issue.  And, oh yeah, one time there was a fire at a refinery and we had to raise prices."  

"HERE'S YOUR ****ING ROUND TAILLIGHTS," SAYS ANGRY CHEVROLET

PISSED OFF GM RELEASES TEASER PHOTO OF 2016 CORVETTE

GM says this is the '16 Corvette

"We've had enough of these whiners who complain the Corvette's taillights look like a Camaro's. You want round?  We'll give you round, you ****heads!"  

Statement released today by Chevrolet  (edited for clarity)

ELECTRIC CAR OWNERS OFFERED THREE GRADES OF ELECTRICITY

Photograph for illustrative purposes only.
Do not attempt to insert an electrical
plug into the photo.

Oil companies have been providing motorists with a choice of three grades of gasoline for years, and soon, drivers of electric cars will have a choice of regular, mid-grade or premium electricity.

"Say you drive a Nissan Leaf.  You only need regular electricity," explained Calamine Atchoo, a spokeswoman for the Electricity Providers Alliance. "But if you own a Tesla Model S P85D, you want premium electricity, so the electrons don't ping." 

Atchoo said new three-outlet electrical sockets should be available next month.  

AVIATION NEWS

BOEING'S NEW JeTRAILER MAKES DEBUT 

Artist's depiction of the new Boeing JeTrailer being towed
behind a B-737 aircraft

Boeing today unveiled its innovative new JeTrailer, an engineless winged fuselage that is designed to be towed behind a jetliner.  According to the company, the JeTrailer will allow airlines flying only smaller jets--such as Southwest with its all-Boeing 737 fleet--to carry more passengers without having to purchase larger aircraft.  

The JeTrailer can carry 60 to 75 passengers depending on the seating configuration, and features a large front windshield which provides passengers with a view forward rather than being limited to peering out small side windows.  

"Let me tell you what, it's pretty damned thrilling looking out that front window during a landing," laughed Boeing Marketing Director Speckles Thompson.     

CITY'S EXPERIMENT USING FOOD-BASED STREET STRIPING A FAILURE

Opossums and feral cats have licked up
more than 18 miles of roadway striping

Public works crews have spent the past year re-striping more than 40 miles of city streets using an organic food-based paint.  

But the city now acknowledges the experiment has been a failure and they'll go back to using old-fashioned water-based pavement paint.

"Here we're trying to do something good for the environment and the (expletive) possums and cats keep licking off all my (expletive) stripes," complained Public Works Director Buddy Chuck Polumbo.  "Now we have to go back and re-stripe everything.  Little bastards."

CADILLAC TO BLEND OLD AND NEW DESIGNS

Is this the 2018 Cadillac ATS?

There's no denying that Cadillac's distinctive Art and Science design philosophy has been a big success.  

But unnamed GM sources tell Parksplug that in an effort to pay homage to its past, Cadillac plans to blend more traditional styling cues with newer designs, beginning with the next-generation ATS.

Options will reportedly include an  iPhone/iPod-ready Wonderbar AM radio and an Autronic Eye headlight dimmer.  No release date has been announced.

ENGINEERS DISPUTE CLAIMS ABOUT ELECTRIC CAR ADDITIVE

Elektro-Clean is
of one several new
electric car additives
on the market

Drivers of electric vehicles might be tempted by claims from makers of newly-marketed electricity additives.  But one engineer has a message for consumers--save your money.  

"A bottle of injector cleaner might make your Chevy Tahoe's engine run a little smoother, but a bottle of electricity cleaner isn't going to help your Nissan Volt or Tesla at all," said automotive engineer Xing Guard.

Not so, say the makers of Elektro-Clean, an electrical additive that comes in a 12-ounce bottle.  "You've got all these electrons and stuff bouncing around inside the battery cells, and after awhile, they get scuffed up, which negatively affects vehicle performance and eMPG," said Elektro-Clean spokesman Gus Shutts.   

"Elektro-Clean coats electrons in a patented tiny detergent bubble, keeping them cleaner," said Shutts.  "We recommend using a bottle a month for optimal protection." 

BMW TO ADD ROBOT VACUUM CLEANER TO ITS LINEUP

BMW MVac

In an effort to leave no marketing opportunities unfulfilled, BMW announced today that it will add a high-performance robot vacuum cleaner to its lineup.

The MVac, which will hit the market this summer, will feature an aluminum dust bin and cleaning head along with high-performance motors and HEPA air filters.  

Carbon fiber construction keeps weight down to 8.0 pounds, which BMW says should result in a 0-to-across-the-living-room time of approximately three seconds.  Although the price has not been announced, BMW has confirmed it will charge $75 extra for metallic paint.

STUDY SHOWS STRANGE SIMILARITY AMONG RANGE ROVER EVOQUE BUYERS

August Foloney poses in front of the new
Range Rover Evoque he just purchased

Purchasers of the distinctive, hot-selling Range Rover Evoque are themselves unique, according to a new study of SUV buyers.  

In addition to belonging to a buyer demographic that is younger and more affluent than most, Evoque purchasers also tend to look similar to the vehicle itself.

"It's very unusual, said automobile demographics researcher Marynice Chodd.  "The only other time we've noticed this is with Nissan Juke buyers.  They tend to have large jowls, squinty eyes and a single large front tooth."  

NIKE'S NEW SHOE CAR

Nike today unveiled their eagerly anticipated two-seat shoe roadster, the Nike Air Sneakster.  

The vehicle, displayed at the company's  Oregon headquarters, is constructed almost entirely of shoe components and will be available beginning this summer in a variety of sizes and colors.  Some of the features of the new roadster include:

• Elastic mesh body panels that flex upon impact, keeping occupants safer on the road
• A gel suspension instead of traditional shock absorbers that lessens impacts and provides a smoother ride
• Durable, dent resistant blown rubber exterior 
• Cushioned insole floor mats and gas and brake pedals

Nike has also announced a new slogan that will accompany the car's release:  "Just Drive It."   

LOCAL RED LIGHT CAMERA REPLACED BY PHOTO-SNAPPING WORKER

Traffic Monitor Dale Fergerman aims
his camera at a red light violator

Red light cameras can generate significant revenue for local governments, but they're also expensive to buy and maintain.  That's why one local government has dumped its camera in favor of an employee with a camera perched in a seat high above the intersection.

"Red light camera systems cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, but we pay Dale minimum wage and buy him a Subway combo when he comes down off the light post," said Streets and Highways Department Manager Dick Bob Zindle.  

He was referring to traffic monitor Dale Fergerman, who spends several hours each day high above the intersection snapping photographs of red light violators.  

"It's really worked out well...except for the time Dale fell out of his chair and landed on a nun in the crosswalk below.  We bought her a sandwich.  She was very nice about it," said Zindle.

FIRST PHOTOS! 2015 CADILLAC ESCALATOR!

2015 Cadillac Escalator

EXCLUSIVE:  CADILLAC'S EYE-OPENING NEW SUV

Cadillac describes it as "the most unique vehicle of our time," and we at Parksplug are inclined to agree.  "There's nothing else like the 2015 Escalator," said Cadillac Marketing Director Yodart Munger proudly.  "It's our most exciting design since the 80's Seville bustle back."