DESIGNER OF NAMELESS SPORTS CAR LAMENTS: "THERE AREN'T ANY GOOD SNAKE NAMES LEFT"

Rudy Oop spent years designing and building his sporty kit car.  All it needs now is a name.  "I really wanted to name it after a snake because it looks slithery, if that's a word," said Oop.  But the part-time car designer and full-time canine Brazilian waxer is having difficulty coming up with something suitable.

Rudy Oop's "slithery" sports car

"The good snake names, Cobra and Viper, are already taken," Oop said dejectedly.  "I've been over Wikipedia's snake list a million times.  Fer-de-Lance isn't bad, but it sounds too much like a bicycle race."

Oop's kit, which goes on sale this fall, features an exquisite polyvinyl chloride (PVC) body shell and interior fabrics made from organic prairie oatmeal.  The parts are designed to easily bolt onto any late model Hyster forklift chassis.  "It's a sweet ride, and it'll turn on a dime," Oop assured us.

"All the work is done; we just need a name," said Oop.  "We begin marketing the car in a few weeks.  If we can't think of anything by then we'll have to go with Boomslang," he said, his voice cracking.

CHRYSLER RELEASES TEASER PHOTO OF 2016 "DETROIT CHALK OUTLINE" 300 MODEL

Daimler-Cerberus-Fiat-Chrysler today provided fans of the 300 sedan a sneak preview of the upcoming 2016 version.  In addition to a more radically chopped top, a new Detroit Chalk Outline paint package will be offered to complement the automaker's Made in Detroit branding.  Chrysler did not disclose which powertrains will be available, or just how anyone is expected to see out of the redesigned vehicle.  

Just-released photo of 2016 Chrysler 300 shows severely chopped top and
available Detroit Chalk Outline paint package

CATTLE UNION DECRIES USE OF ARTIFICIAL LEATHER IN VEHICLES

The world's largest cattle union is blasting automakers for their increased use of artificial leathers for vehicle interiors.  "It's an inferior product and they're just trying to save money, but at the same time, they're putting thousands of us cows out of work," claimed COWSNOW spokesbovine Blossom, who like most cattle, uses a single name.  "Not all of us want to go into meat or milk, you know."  

A group of COWSNOW members attempted to organize a protest march,
but most attendees simply stood around and stared at the photographer

Manufacturers of artificial leather, however, say their product is more durable and less expensive for consumers.  "These union cows would be much better off if they spent less time complaining and more time tackling their cracking and staining issues," said Sparley Poink of SansMoo, Inc.  

RESEARCH CONFIRMS THAT ALL THOSE IDIOTS ON THE ROAD REALLY ARE TRYING TO ANNOY YOU

Nettie Nordling, 87, pictured with her
cat Mr. Squirts, admits she drives
slowly just to irritate other drivers.
She also enjoys tripping pedestrians with her cane.

A six-month study has confirmed what you believed all along:  You really are the best driver on the road and everyone else is trying their hardest to annoy you.

"You know those people who 'accidentally' cut you off?  Well, it's not accidental--they're trying to piss you off," said Professor Rollie Spickles of the University of St. Uvalde, who conducted the research.  "They know you're the superior driver...they're just jealous."

What about that 90-year old woman who putts along at 19 mph and you can't get around her?  "According to our research, even the old folks do that on purpose just to annoy you.  They never drive that slow when no one else is around," said Spickles.  When told of the study's findings, most motorists were not surprised.  "I knew they were doing it on purpose," said an exasperated Huck Sheetleman while shaking his head.  

LOCAL MAN'S ATTEMPT TO USE 3D PRINTER TO BUILD FORD F-150 A FAILURE

Preston Snatch already had a 3D printer, and he wanted a new pickup truck.  Snatch, 37, who had previously only used the printer to make some homemade nose strips for himself and a couple of dozen plastic shoehorns for friends, decided to use the device to build a Ford F-150.

Preston Snatch's first attempt to use a 3D printer
to build a Ford F-150 was a failure

"It didn't turn out well at all," he said while pointing to a wrinkled mishmash of white-colored truck detritus.  "First, the computer wouldn't talk to the printer, and after getting that fixed, the print nozzles began spitting and the parts got jammed in the tray.  Maybe I should have aligned the print heads after all."

Snatch said he tried to call technical support but couldn't get through.  "The recording said they're closed for Maha Shirvaratri."