POLICE SAY PLAN TO TICKET WRX BUYERS AT TIME OF SALE A BIG TIMESAVER

New WRX owner Gulliver Wiskover (center) poses with Dex
Mueller Subaru salesman Jose Sleetz (R) as police officer
Wallace Rashwaller completes Wiskover's citations

It's no secret that the Subaru WRX is the most-ticketed car in the U.S.  Now Subaru of America is teaming up with local police agencies to make the citation process more efficient and less stressful for buyers.  Under the so-called SubieCite program, WRX purchasers receive their traffic tickets right at the dealership at the time of sale.

"We know all WRX drivers get tickets, so taking care of that process right at the dealership avoids all the red lights and sirens and digging through the glovebox looking for registration and insurance papers," said police spokesman Björk Cisneros.  "Plus, the buyer can conveniently sign the citations while he's signing all the rest of the papers."   

Gulliver Wiskover, who was buying a new red WRX from Dex Mueller Subaru, described the program as, "off the hinges."  

IS THIS THE 2017 MAZTEK?

FORMER PONTIAC AZTEK STYLIST DESIGNS NEW MAZDA SPORT UTILITY

Designer Ajax Malarkey

What is believed to be Mazda's upcoming Maztek mid-sized sport utility has been caught on camera by obscure spy photographer Beaver Guttenberg. 

Rumors swirled--although some of them simply oscillated lazily before falling silently to the floor--after Mazda hired former Pontiac Aztek designer Ajax Malarkey in 2009.  Now it's quite clear from the photo, which is not quite clear, that Malarkey, who claims to own four Azteks, is responsible for the design of Mazda's new mid-sized SUV.  

FOX NEWS BUYS ONSTAR--ONLY RIGHT TURNS PERMITTED

Hundreds of OnStar subscribers are expressing outrage over changes to OnStar after the recent sale of the GM-owned subscription-based communications service to Fox News.

Calamine "Toodie" Fetzler, a spokesperson for the recently-merged U.S. Commission on Tobacco, Communications and Native American Affairs, said her office has been inundated with complaints from OnStar subscribers.  "We have been inundated with complaints from OnStar subscribers," scowled Fetzler as she twisted a thumb through a hole in one of her white and gray Costco crew socks.

OnStar navigation systems will no longer allow left turns, says Fox

The change that has generated the most complaints concerns a modification to Onstar's turn-by-turn navigation service.

As Squeegee McLean, Director of Navigation for Fox News explained, "Only right turns will be permitted, and if a motorist can't get someplace without making left--or what we call "elitist" turns--he doesn't need to go there."

"I'm livid," said motorist Betty Lou Sunchunkle of Olid Shores.  "Half the places I go are on the left.  Now I can't go there anymore."

EXCLUSIVE! CLAIRVOYANT CAR GUY CHECKS OUT THE 2064 FORD MUSTANG

The Ford Mustang's recent 50th anniversary got us thinking about what the famed pony car might be like in another 50 years.  So, we contacted our friend Guzmo Flynn, a local clairvoyant and Foot Locker assistant manager, to see what he could come up with.  Actually, he somehow knew we were going to call him, so he contacted us first.

While in a trance induced by a quart of Fireball coupled with a short-circuit in the Sunbeam electric throw blanket wrapped around him, Flynn was able to closely inspect the 2064 Mustang. Here is his report:

Design:  From the front, it looks quite a lot like the 2064 Aston-Martin.

ENGINES/TRANSMISSION:
Base engine:  Normally-aspirated inline one with cylinder deactivation, which, according to Flynn, greatly improves fuel mileage but badly impacts performance.
Mustang GT engine:  Yes, the GT lives on.  It's powered by the same EcoBoost inline one paired with a 300-horsepower electric motor that also serves as the defroster blower.  A planned Shelby version will feature two defroster blowers.
Transmission:   Continuously variable with sphincter-activated shifting
Fuel requirement:  Top-tier hydrogen blended with 10% non-acidic pond scum

TIRES:  Yokohama Carbube (carbon nanotube) climate change-resisitant tires; available with personalized tread design and high-speed retractable nozzles

BRAKES:  Sensor activated, porcelain pads 
Flynn reported that the Mustang's brakes are so effective that during one panic stop maneuver, the driver's brain dislodged and collided with the back of his nose (he's fine, thanks to a holistic practitioner who happened by)  

 CHASSIS:  Due to cost considerations, Ford reverted to a solid rear axle beginning with the 2060 model year.

PRICE:  354,000 cloudcoins (base Mustang GT), a bargain compared to the diesel-electric Fiat Barracuda and the small block, pushrod V8-powered 2064 Camaro.

INVENTOR BUILDS EXHAUST PIPE MOUNTED ELECTRIC SUPERCHARGER

DEVICE BUILDS BOOST BY SUCKING AIR THROUGH ENGINE AT HIGH VELOCITY

Earman's exhaust pipe-mounted
electric supercharger

Superchargers boost horsepower by forcing air through an engine.  But always-curious inventor Earman Beefer wondered, do armadillos dream in color?  But he also wondered, why not build an exhaust pipe-mounted electric supercharger to suck air through the engine rather than ramming it through from the front?  

Inventor Earman Beefer

Earman set about building such a device using some metal pipe and a sewage pump he found connected to the plumbing system at his church.

He acknowledges making mistakes along the way, including wiring the electric supercharger to his car's back-up lights.  "It went quite fast, but only in reverse," said Earman.  

Also, the device sucked the car's air filter through the engine and out the exhaust.  "I might have to tone down the suction," Beefer acknowledged.  Asked what advantages his device has over a traditional supercharger, Earman's glasses fogged over and he walked away, mumbling something about armadillos.  

TEAMS SEARCHING FOREST FOR MAN'S LOST CAMOUFLAGE PAINTED PICKUP

Satchell Gusterferd thought it would be cool to have a camouflage paint job applied to his 2010 Ram 4x4 pickup, but it's a change he now regrets.  "It's out here somewhere, but we can't find it," he said solemnly as searchers tromped through the thick brush surrounding Cramp Lake.  Some of the volunteers were equipped with metal detectors, while others waved long sticks through the air as they walked.  "We're hoping somebody whacks my truck with their stick," said Gusterferd.

Satchell Gusterferd and his camouflage painted truck
during a previous camping trip

The 28-year old Gusterferd, who works 60 hours a week as a plasma donor, planned a restful weekend of camping and ballistic stretching, but while driving on a forest road toward the campsite, he stopped to do some iliotibial band stretches.  When he tried to return to his truck, he couldn't find it.  "I never should have walked away from it in the forest," he lamented.  "Damned camo paint."  

Search team leader Doodles McCoy said volunteers were giving up for the night.  "The metal detector guys want to be home in time to watch Cake Boss," he explained. 

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

Confused friends and family from Prineville, Oregon
follow driverless hearse as it passes through
Rock Springs, Wyoming.   

MALFUNCTIONING AUTONOMOUS HEARSE LEADS PROCESSION OF 150 VEHICLES THROUGH FOUR STATES
"We wondered about it, but we figured Bob wanted to get buried someplace out of town."
Efrem Vert, former neighbor of Bob the deceased guy, after he and his wife followed driverless hearse for nearly seven hours 

"I love the simple lines.  You know, it seems
like I've seen something like it before, but I
don't know where."
Auto designer Jason Castriota

LEAKED SKETCH REPORTEDLY SHOWS FACTORY FIVE'S NEW RAGTOP

A rudimentary sketch leaked to several automotive publications and National Geographic purportedly shows Factory Five's primitive new roadster.  

While there was no comment from the company, sources say the car was to be called the Dino until Ferrari objected.  


ANOTHER NAME CHANGE COMING FOR VW GOLF 
Volkswagen brass decide to combine "Rabbit" and "Golf" names; car to simply be called "Ralf."  

EYE POSITION DETERMINES EXHAUST PREFERENCES, SAYS RESEARCHER

A noted research scientist, who estimates that he became noted about eight years ago, claims the positioning of a person's eyes on their face directly correlates with the placement of exhaust pipes on the vehicle they drive. According to Dr. Saturno Yipes, a professor of Advanced Physiognomy and Anatomy at the University of Lower Cheesequake in Lower Cheesequake, New Jersey, the... uh...what was I saying?  

Oh yes...Dr. Yipes claims that those with eyes set closer together typically own vehicles that feature paired or "shotgun" dual pipes, while those whose eyes are farther apart favor separated pipes, one at each rear corner.

Dr. Yipes provided the photographs below to help elucidate his theory, whatever that means.

This BMW 328i owner clearly prefers mated
or "shotgun" dual pipes

"This fellow was an interesting study," said Dr. Yipes.
"Over the years, his eyes migrated toward the sides of
his head, like a flounder's.  While this was occurring,
his preference for widely space exhausts, like those
pictured above his head, became stronger."  

"This Lexus IS-F owner prefers his car's diagonally-stacked exhaust pipes, said Dr. Yipes." "I really felt sorry for him; he's never achieved his dream of looking through binoculars."

CHRYSLER TO COAT VEHICLES WITH THOMPSON'S WATER SEAL DURING CLOSURE OF FACTORY PAINT SHOP

Liquid sealant chosen after attempts to wrap SUVs in vinyl turns into jumbled, sticky mess

A two-month closure of a factory paint shop overdue for an upgrade has led to Chrysler's decision to coat hundreds of newly-built vehicles with Thompson's Water Seal.  

"That (expletive) sticks to everything," complained Chrysler paint shop
worker Humberto Kaminski of the blue vinyl wrapping covering both
him and the Grand Cherokee in the foreground

Chrysler began exploring alternatives to painting the Dodge Durangos and Jeep Grand Cherokees assembled at the factory about six months ago, after the decision was made to upgrade the shop, said spokesman Dobie Chuck Upnotz. 

"We experimented with vinyl wraps, but some of our guys can't cover a sandwich with Saran Wrap," said Upnotz.  

Chrysler also tried using wallpaper and plaster, but, according to Upnotz, "In the end, everybody liked the looks of the Thompson's Water Seal best, especially in Acorn Brown."