SNAG IN VOLKSWAGEN DIESEL BUYBACK PLAN

Volkswagen's plan to assist dealers by buying back new vehicles equipped with the scandal-tainted TDI diesel engine has been put on hold, according to a company source who practically begged for anonymity.  

Meh Volkswagen, which bills itself as The biggest little VW
dealership in the eastern half of the northern Tri-Cities area,
reportedly tried to charge Volkswagen $100 per car for dealer prep. 
 

After weeks of negotiations, Volkswagen reportedly thought an agreement had been reached on how much they would pay dealers for each new vehicle.  

"But at the last minute," said the source, "dealers threw in a bunch of extras that Volkswagen didn't want, including fabric protection, wheel locks and bright exhaust tips."  

"Why on earth would we pay $200 for fabric protection when we can buy a can of Scotchgard for nine bucks?" he exclaimed.  

LOCAL MAN FEELS HE'S "PRETTY CLOSE" TO GETTING CAR CLOCK RESET BACK TO STANDARD TIME

LAID-OFF HYPHEN INSTALLER BEMOANS F-150'S UPDATED LOGO

For most automotive assembly plant employees, the introduction of an entirely redesigned model is cause for celebration, as it translates into years of continued employment.  

Hyphenated no more:  2015 F150

But sadly, that's not how it worked out for master hyphen installer Keanu Fjelstad when Ford released its new hyphen-less aluminum-bodied 
F-150, or more correctly, F150, last year. 

"I've been gluing or painting hyphens between the F and the 150 for more than 20 years," said a dejected Fjelstad, who, since being laid off last fall, gets by on meager monthly unemployment checks and surprise grab bags provided by his neighbors.  

"I installed that hyphen," Keanu Fjelstad
said proudly when shown this photograph

Fjelstad, who, for some reason, becomes irate when asked if the "j" in his last name is silent, said affixing automotive hyphens is a lost art. 

"You have to make sure it's level and spaced correctly," he admonished. "But some hyphenists are slackers; they just slap them on there any ol' which way."
  
Asked what he'll do next, Fjelstad said he's been offered a hyphenating job at Q-Tip. "Hyphenating swabs is better than nothing," he grumbled, "but I'll sure miss working on trucks.