NEW TRISCUIT SEAT COVERS JOIN WRANGLER OPTIONS LIST

Triscuit seat inserts are now available on all Wrangler models.  
Buyers can choose between original and tomato basil.  

Wrangler fans seemed sort of elated as Jeep introduced its new, highly-anticipated Triscuit seat cover option at a press conference yesterday.

"I'm sort of elated," said Jeep Compass owner and part-time Batteries+Bulbs clerk Votoff Musser, who, strangely, had a tattoo of an arm with a tattoo on his arm.  

"Before you ask, yes, the seat covers are actually formed using Triscuit crackers specially made for the Wrangler," said Jeep spokesperson Gluanne Vowel.  "If you've ever sat on a Triscuit, you know they're really grippy, so it's the perfect seat covering for an off-road vehicle," claimed Vowel.

Triscuit marketing director Ying Ling Barker told the crowd the cracker maker has long been involved in motorsports.  "High-fiber snack crackers and high-performance seat covers are our passion," he or she said while nibbling the right leg off a Teddy Graham.  

RELATED NEWS:  STEEL-BODIED WRANGLER WILL CONTINUE AFTER ALL, SAYS GUY OPERATING BACKPACK LEAF BLOWER IN PANERA PARKING LOT

A Gallium-bodied Wrangler test vehicle melts into a puddle
after being parked in the afternoon sun

Fiat Chrysler's plan to replace the Jeep Wrangler's steel body with one made of a lightweight metal called Gallium has been nixed, says a reliable but dusty source. 

After months of testing, it was discovered that Gallium has such a low melting point that just holding it in your hand turns it to liquid. 

The source said more than fifty gallium-bodied Wranglers were reportedly melted by heat from their own engines and had to be squeegeed off the facility floor.


   

STUDY: RAM TRUCK OWNERS FIND THE SOUND OF AN IDLING DIESEL ENGINE MORE AROUSING THAN...

You've seen it, too, right?  A guy sitting behind the wheel of an idling Ram diesel pickup in a parking lot for an inordinate amount of time.  No, we don't know what inordinate means either but we've heard other people say it.  

Anyway, why doesn't diesel dude just shut it off already?  

Now we know, thanks to a recent study performed by Dr. Delirio DeFumputty, a University of Minnehaha instructor of classes including Applied Neuroscience, Introduction to Saltwater Fish Behavior, and Why Should I Give a Shit About Pelvic Clenching?

According to DeFumputty's research (which would make a great name for a pub in Bakersfield), more than 95% of male Ram truck owners became more aroused when listening to a recording of a Cummins diesel engine than viewing a photo of an overfilled gas balloon replica of Paige Spiranac.  

And yes, Dr. D. also polled female Ram owners.  "All but one responded by saying, 'Leave me alone or I'll call the police.'  The other one requested more information about pelvic clenching classes." 

WHY ELON MUSK FIRED HIMSELF FROM TESLA

After weeks of being peppered with questions from reporters, Tesla CEO is finally explaining why he fired himself.  

"Having suffered a $700-billion drop in market valuation, it's no secret that Tesla needs new leadership.  I just wasn't working out, so I made the very difficult decision that I had to go," Musk explained.  

"So, last Tuesday, I called me into my office.  You know, honestly, I think I already knew something was up.  People were whispering behind my back.  I told me that I appreciated all the hard work that I had done but that I had no choice but to let myself go."  

Musk said that things became heated during the self-conversation. "I ended up having to alert security and having myself escorted out of the building.  It's just sad that it had to end that way."

TEST DRIVER'S HEAD SNAPS OFF DURING REPEATED 0-100-0 MPH RUNS

Doctors says test driver Helmut Becker is resting comfortably following surgery to reattach his head, which snapped off while he was performing acceleration and braking tests on a 2019 Porsche 911 GT2.

Driver Helmut Becker's head rests on dashboard after
it detached during acceleration and brake tests

"On the last 0-100-0 run, he hit the brakes and we heard this kind of 'thunk' sound," said Porsche engineer Gert Stoppelbein.  "That's when we noticed Helmut's helmet sitting upside-down on the dashboard."

Dr. Lotus Krauss, who treated Becker, described the emergency surgery as very complex.  "There were lots of little tubes and stringy things to reconnect."

SNAG IN VOLKSWAGEN DIESEL BUYBACK PLAN

Volkswagen's plan to assist dealers by buying back new vehicles equipped with the scandal-tainted TDI diesel engine has been put on hold, according to a company source who practically begged for anonymity.  

Meh Volkswagen, which bills itself as The biggest little VW
dealership in the eastern half of the northern Tri-Cities area,
reportedly tried to charge Volkswagen $100 per car for dealer prep. 
 

After weeks of negotiations, Volkswagen reportedly thought an agreement had been reached on how much they would pay dealers for each new vehicle.  

"But at the last minute," said the source, "dealers threw in a bunch of extras that Volkswagen didn't want, including fabric protection, wheel locks and bright exhaust tips."  

"Why on earth would we pay $200 for fabric protection when we can buy a can of Scotchgard for nine bucks?" he exclaimed.  

LOCAL MAN FEELS HE'S "PRETTY CLOSE" TO GETTING CAR CLOCK RESET BACK TO STANDARD TIME

LAID-OFF HYPHEN INSTALLER BEMOANS F-150'S UPDATED LOGO

For most automotive assembly plant employees, the introduction of an entirely redesigned model is cause for celebration, as it translates into years of continued employment.  

Hyphenated no more:  2015 F150

But sadly, that's not how it worked out for master hyphen installer Keanu Fjelstad when Ford released its new hyphen-less aluminum-bodied 
F-150, or more correctly, F150, last year. 

"I've been gluing or painting hyphens between the F and the 150 for more than 20 years," said a dejected Fjelstad, who, since being laid off last fall, gets by on meager monthly unemployment checks and surprise grab bags provided by his neighbors.  

"I installed that hyphen," Keanu Fjelstad
said proudly when shown this photograph

Fjelstad, who, for some reason, becomes irate when asked if the "j" in his last name is silent, said affixing automotive hyphens is a lost art. 

"You have to make sure it's level and spaced correctly," he admonished. "But some hyphenists are slackers; they just slap them on there any ol' which way."
  
Asked what he'll do next, Fjelstad said he's been offered a hyphenating job at Q-Tip. "Hyphenating swabs is better than nothing," he grumbled, "but I'll sure miss working on trucks.