NEW TRISCUIT SEAT COVERS JOIN WRANGLER OPTIONS LIST

Triscuit seat inserts are now available on all Wrangler models.  
Buyers can choose between original and tomato basil.  

Wrangler fans seemed sort of elated as Jeep introduced its new, highly-anticipated Triscuit seat cover option at a press conference yesterday.

"I'm sort of elated," said Jeep Compass owner and part-time Batteries+Bulbs clerk Votoff Musser, who, strangely, had a tattoo of an arm with a tattoo on his arm.  

"Before you ask, yes, the seat covers are actually formed using Triscuit crackers specially made for the Wrangler," said Jeep spokesperson Gluanne Vowel.  "If you've ever sat on a Triscuit, you know they're really grippy, so it's the perfect seat covering for an off-road vehicle," claimed Vowel.

Triscuit marketing director Ying Ling Barker told the crowd the cracker maker has long been involved in motorsports.  "High-fiber snack crackers and high-performance seat covers are our passion," he or she said while nibbling the right leg off a Teddy Graham.  

RELATED NEWS:  STEEL-BODIED WRANGLER WILL CONTINUE AFTER ALL, SAYS GUY OPERATING BACKPACK LEAF BLOWER IN PANERA PARKING LOT

A Gallium-bodied Wrangler test vehicle melts into a puddle
after being parked in the afternoon sun

Fiat Chrysler's plan to replace the Jeep Wrangler's steel body with one made of a lightweight metal called Gallium has been nixed, says a reliable but dusty source. 

After months of testing, it was discovered that Gallium has such a low melting point that just holding it in your hand turns it to liquid. 

The source said more than fifty gallium-bodied Wranglers were reportedly melted by heat from their own engines and had to be squeegeed off the facility floor.