CAR DETAILER DISCOVERS SERGIO MARCHIONNE'S FACE ON CHRYSLER 300 STOP LIGHT
"IT MUST BE SOME SORT OF SIGN," SAID SOME GUY WALKING BY
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| Auto detailer Egdod Trad points to Chrysler 300 stop light lens bearing the face of Fiat Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne |
Egdod Trad, assistant wax master at Phoops Chrysler-Dodge-Jeep-Eagle (they still have one unsold 1996 Eagle Summit in stock) in Shakopee, Minnesota, told reporters he noticed Marchionne's face as he used a Q-Tip swab to remove dried wax from the chrome emblem on the trunk. "No, wait, it wasn't a Q-Tip," he said excitedly, correcting his earlier statement. "It was a generic brand swab, maybe Kirkland or Equate."
Marchionne was traveling and not available for comment but, according to his secretary, he prefers name-brand cotton swabs.
IS THIS AUDI'S NEW A4 AVANTI?
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| Reader Cloret Tittsman sent in this photo of what appears to be Audi's long-rumored A4 Avanti. The picture is fuzzy and she only chopped part of the nose off the car so we've gone ahead and offered her a job as staff photographer |
RANGE ROVER TEASES 2016 EVOQUE AHEAD OF GENEVA AUTO SHOW
Next generation of Range Rover's compact luxury crossover said to feature even more radical design
FRUSTRATED POLICE CHIEF SAYS HE'S LOSING OFFICERS TO OTHER DEPARTMENTS WITH NEWER CARS WITH COOL LIGHTS
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| Chief Calvin Fusty of the Pluss Butte City Police Department says young officers are not only disturbed by his overly large head, but also turned off by his department's old Fords with "gumball" red light |
"All my good officers are leaving," grumbled Chief Calvin Fusty of the Pluss Butte Police Department. "And it's all because of the cars. Next door in Crankshaw they drive new Dodge Chargers with a bunch of trick flashing LEDs, and all we have are beat up old Crown Vics with Adam-12 gumball lights. It's embarrassing."
The chief said three of his employees recently left to join the Crankshaw police department. Crankshaw Police Chief Spitz Baldocki said cool emergency lights are more important to young officers than pay raises or time off. "20 years ago when you asked someone why he or she wanted to be a cop, they'd say 'to help people'. Now they'll tell you straight up it's all about the cars and cool lights."
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| "It's all about the flashing lights." Crankshaw PD Chief Spitz Baldocki |
JUVENILE SIREN IMPERSONATOR GROUNDED AFTER STOPPING HUNDREDS OF CARS IN FRONT OF SCHOOL
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| Drivers in front of Efrem Zimbalist Elementary School stop Tuesday after hearing what they thought was a siren |
Scout's parents, Elka VanTeague-Wolgomott and her husband Chance said they are very disappointed in him. "We didn't raise him like this," said Chance Wolgomott, who added that Scout first denied involvement but told the truth after being threatened with waterboarding. "Two years in his room should make him think about what he's done," said his mother Elka, whose jeans were so tight she couldn't fit her hands into her pockets.
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A contrite Scout Wolgomott admits his guilt to his disappointed parents
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WHOLE FOODS TO BUILD CHAIN OF ORGANIC GAS GAS STATIONS
Like other retailers, Natural Gas will offer three grades of gasoline, however, the fuel is certified to be free of artificial colors, hydrogenated fats, pesticides and preservatives. "All our gasolines contain fish oil and atomized walnut dust, and the exhaust gases are a wonderful source of beneficial Omega-3 fatty acids," said Squitt. The stations will also offer a small selection of vehicle accessories including algae-based seat covers and gluten-free Armor All.
BIG RESTAURANT CHAINS JOIN THE FOOD TRUCK REVOLUTION
"THEY'RE KILLING US. I ONLY SOLD A COUPLE OF CATFISH BASKETS ALL WEEK."
Catfish Bowl truck owner Dodd Smunk
The food truck phenomenon dates back to 1991 when bohemian mommy blogger and amateur chef Fidget Yirkle began selling free-range head cheese sandwiches and hush puppies out of a converted Divco milk truck. And, until now, the industry has consisted primarily of single-vehicle owner/operators like Yirkle.
But that's changing as several large restaurant chains have put their operations on wheels, and owners of smaller food trucks are feeling the heat. "I used to have this lot all to myself," said Dodd Smunk, who was using a bullhorn in an attempt to attract customers to his Catfish Bowl truck. "I sold a lot of catfish back then, but then they showed up," he said, motioning toward a Applebee's tractor-trailer food truck parked just feet away from Smunk's rainbow-hued truck.
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| Dodd Smunk, the owner of the Catfish Bowl food truck tries to attract customers as a line forms at an adjacent Applebee's truck |
THOUSANDS OF NEW VOLVOS RECALLED AFTER ERROR BY ASSEMBLY LINE WORKER WITH LISP
"HE WROTE IT THE WAY HE PRONOUNCES IT," MANAGER SAYS OF EMPLOYEE IN CHARGE OF INSTALLING LETTERING AND EMBLEMS
CHEVROLET'S NEW TAHOE INCLINE--A BMW X6 COPY?
Mercedes-Benz recently caught some heat over the design of their new GLE Coupe, which, according to some, looks an awful lot like BMW's X6. Now, Chevrolet is throwing its hat into the sloped-roof SUV ring with its 2016 Tahoe Incline.
During a press conference today to unveil the new fastback SUV, an audience member accused Chevrolet of copying BMW's design, right down to the classic Hofmeister Kink, an accusation that had plucky Chevrolet official Konocti Sproing jumping out of her seat.
"Chevrolet actually had the design first," she retorted, and offered as proof a photograph of a rusted old Chevrolet sedan with a sloping roof and angled side window design.
Before the discussion could continue, about 20 attendees began arguing over whether or not one must tort before he or she can retort. Security guards used lemon pepper flavored pepper spray to break up the crowd.
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| 2016 Chevrolet Tahoe Inline |
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| Chevrolet claims BMW actually copied their side window design |
Before the discussion could continue, about 20 attendees began arguing over whether or not one must tort before he or she can retort. Security guards used lemon pepper flavored pepper spray to break up the crowd.
IS THIS THE COLOR CHART FOR APPLE'S NEW ELECTRIC CAR?
While Apple isn't confirming or denying rumors that it plans to release an electric car within five years, a tell-tale photograph mysteriously showed up in our mailbox recently--along with what appeared to be a lump of feculence, possibly from some sort of small grassland animal. We believe the photograph shows the exterior color options that will be available on Apple's car. Interestingly, the auto industry's most popular hues--silver, white and black--are not included.
CHANGE IN MAIL DELIVERY MEANS POST OFFICE WON'T BUY FLEET OF NEW TRUCKS AFTER ALL
POSTAL SERVICE TO BEGIN DELIVERING ALL MAIL TO SOME GUY NAMED STEVE
Just days after the financially struggling U.S. Postal Service proposed buying a fleet of 180,000 new trucks, officials abandoned the plan, acknowledging they really don't have the money to deliver the mail at all.
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| Steve's house |
"We lost $2 billion in the last quarter, so how can we afford new trucks?" post office spokesman Dewey Gooch asked rhetorically and even a little bombastically. Instead, the agency will cease all delivery to homes and businesses, and mail will be dropped off at the home of some guy named Steve.
"We'll deliver everything to Steve's house and the American public can pick up their mail there," said Gooch, adding, "We feel bad about it, but Steve's a nice guy and we think people will like him."
Contacted by Parksplug, Steve said he's happy to help out. When we asked where he will store mail for more than 300-million people, Steve replied, "I've got a couple of spare rooms and a shed, so I don't think it will be a problem."
Gooch said the public can begin picking up their mail at Steve's house beginning June 1st. "You know where that Shell station is over there on 148th? Take the first right just past that and Steve's house is the white one on the left."
DEAR PARKSPLUG, WHAT IS THIS?
Dear Parksplug,
Im [sic] writting [sic] to see if you can tell me what this is in the pitcher [sic] I sent.
The other day, I was driving on a dark rode [sic] when this thing came up behind me and began trailgating [sic] me. IT [sic] looks like some sort ofunidentafid undentfied um, a UFO or a maybe one of them [sic] deep sea jellyfishes that glow you know Im [sic] sayin [sic].
Maybe your'e [sic] readers know what it is.
Thanks,
Gene
Dear Gene,
Thanks for sending in the photograph. It's a 1977 Datsun F10 with three Pep Boys "Tokyo by Night" LED light kits added. Looks good, doesn't it? We don't have any readers. It's just me. Good luck with the GED classes.
PP
Im [sic] writting [sic] to see if you can tell me what this is in the pitcher [sic] I sent.
The other day, I was driving on a dark rode [sic] when this thing came up behind me and began trailgating [sic] me. IT [sic] looks like some sort of
Maybe your'e [sic] readers know what it is.
Thanks,
Gene
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| Gene's Pitcher [sic] |
Dear Gene,
Thanks for sending in the photograph. It's a 1977 Datsun F10 with three Pep Boys "Tokyo by Night" LED light kits added. Looks good, doesn't it? We don't have any readers. It's just me. Good luck with the GED classes.
PP
GM'S MARY BARRA APPEARS ON TV's UNDERCOVER BOSS
General Motors CEO Mary Barra made what she termed, "a very successful appearance" on the television show Undercover Boss last week. Barra, who wore a subtle disguise while working as an assembly plant line technician, said, "I don't think anybody recognized me. I was just one of the guys."
During the final scene in which Barra revealed her true identity to the three employees who attempted to train her, she thanked them and gave each a set of magnetic screwdrivers and a $50 discount coupon toward the purchase of a diesel Cruze.
Barra said working undercover was "a great learning experience," but added, "I kind of wish I hadn't shaved my head, though."
During the final scene in which Barra revealed her true identity to the three employees who attempted to train her, she thanked them and gave each a set of magnetic screwdrivers and a $50 discount coupon toward the purchase of a diesel Cruze.
Barra said working undercover was "a great learning experience," but added, "I kind of wish I hadn't shaved my head, though."
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| General Motors CEO Mary Barra disguised as an assembly plant worker on Undercover Boss |
GENEVA AUTO SHOW SNEAK PEAK! FERRARI HAS A WOODY!
MARANELLO TARGETS AGING HEDGE FUND MANAGERS WITH YOUNG FAMILIES WITH ITS NEW FF-BASED CAMPAGNA SQUIRE WAGON
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| Campagna Squire wagon features elegant Bubinga wood siding. Tires are Xenon-filled Pirelli P Zero Corsa Caro whitewalls fitted with metal-look carbon fiber hubcaps. Ferrari's patented rear Magic Portellone opens two ways--this way and that way |
JEEP TO INSTALL ADDITIONAL TRAILER HITCHES AS A RESULT OF RECALL
THE MORE HITCHES, THE SAFER THE VEHICLE, AUTOMAKER CLAIMS
For months now, Jeep has been installing trailer hitches on thousands of 1993-1998 Grand Cherokees and 2002-2007 Libertys as part of a recall. According to the automaker, the added hitch assembly protects the vehicle's fuel tank--which is located behind the rear axle--and the occupants, in the event of a collision. Now, Jeep says the modification has proven so effective that they will begin installing hitches on all sides of vehicles.
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"One trailer hitch really protects the rear of the vehicle, so we got to thinking, imagine how safe it would be with a whole bunch of hitches all the way around," explained effervescent Jeep structural engineer LoMein Kerplop.
Technicians will install a total of 20 hitches on each vehicle, including six on each side and four each on the front and back. "With all 20 hitches installed, these Jeeps are almost indestructible," claimed Kerplop.
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CHEVROLET (sort of) REVIVES A LEGENDARY NAMEPLATE!
THE SS 396 RETURNS...WITHOUT THE 3
Back in the 60's, Chevy's 396 V8 rumbled under the hoods of everything from Corvettes to Novas and more. 50 years later, Chevrolet is hoping to spread some of that mid-60's big-block pixie dust on one of its current offerings, the subcompact Spark.
The SS 96 replaces the standard car's 1.2 liter (92 c.i.) 84-horsepower four with a naturally aspirated 1.6 liter (96 c.i.) Turbo Jet four producing 102 bhp. "Owners can expect 0-60 times under 10 seconds," Cripe said while chewing what was apparently an entire package of Trident Splash gum. "That's really fast, I think," she added.
In addition to the larger engine, the SS 96 package also includes distinct SS 96 badges and striping, red line tires mounted on classic rally style wheels, and a CVT that has been modified to mimic a close-ratio Muncie four-speed.
We wanted to find out more information including the price of the SS 96 package, but Cripe abruptly disappeared after getting gum stuck in her hair.
MILLIONS SHOCKED TO LEARN THE IDENTITY OF "THEY", AS IN, "THEY SAY YOU SHOULDN'T USE CHEAP GAS IN YOUR CAR"
For many years, millions of people have begun sentences with, “They say…”. But just who "They" are has been a mystery---until now. University of Tucumcari Sociology professor Dr. Hyman Festite revealed today that after years of searching, his team of researchers has discovered "They" are the DeFazio family of Broken Bow, Nebraska."
“There’s Harold DeFazio, his wife Trixie and their kids Harold Jr. and Berta Fern, who was born with only one nostril,” revealed Festite. He added that the DeFazios first began serving as “They” nearly 20 years ago. “Before them, a couple named Duke and Doris Okeford was doing it, but they split up and therefore couldn’t be “They” anymore. Duke tried working solo and getting the ‘He says…’ thing going, but it never took off.”
The DeFazios declined to be interviewed for this story, although they did say you shouldn't use cheap gas in your car.
ORIGINAL ROBOCOP SLAMS FORD FOR "LETTING THE TAURUS GO"
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| "Ford has ignored the Taurus," complained the original Robocop |
"Back in 1987, the Taurus was something truly special," said Robocop. "It was fresh, exciting and futuristic. That's why we used it in the movie. But they've let it go," said the slightly rusted and oxidized science fiction star. "The car needs a complete update."
Indeed, since it's mid-80's heyday, sales of the Taurus have plummeted. In fact, the sole non-fleet sale of a 2014 model was to Burke and Fidget Mirkle of Paw Paw, Michigan, and they said they're thinking about trading it for an Avalon.
RONALD McDONALD HOUSES AT GM DEALERSHIPS TO AID RECALL-AFFECTED CUSTOMERS
Since the mid-1970's, the Ronald McDonald House charity has assisted thousands of families around the world by providing them with a place to stay while a family member receives medical treatment. Now the charity has announced it's expanding its reach by building new facilities at hundreds of General Motors dealerships nationwide.
"So many GM cars have been recalled lately that we saw a need to provide safe, affordable housing for vehicle owners while repairs are made," said charity spokesperson Cookie Sturdevant. "There's a real need here. Unfortunately, we could build thousands of Ronald McDonald houses at GM dealerships and it wouldn't be enough."
Sturdevant emphasized the charity's goal is to strengthen families. "We can do that by keeping them together right at the dealership instead of Mom or Dad sitting alone drinking bad coffee and watching Maury in the customer lounge," said Sturdevant.
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| Construction workers break ground on the new Ronald McDonald House at Pip Cugat Chevrolet in Chillicothe |
"So many GM cars have been recalled lately that we saw a need to provide safe, affordable housing for vehicle owners while repairs are made," said charity spokesperson Cookie Sturdevant. "There's a real need here. Unfortunately, we could build thousands of Ronald McDonald houses at GM dealerships and it wouldn't be enough."
Sturdevant emphasized the charity's goal is to strengthen families. "We can do that by keeping them together right at the dealership instead of Mom or Dad sitting alone drinking bad coffee and watching Maury in the customer lounge," said Sturdevant.
CHEVY TRUCK NEWS:
GM ORDERS WEIGHT LIMIT ON BUMPER STEPS AFTER DOZENS OF PICKUPS ACCIDENTALLY "CAPSIZED" BY CORPULENT OWNERS
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| Plus-sized Silverado owner Latimer Lempert inadvertently upends his pickup while standing on truck's bumper steps |
"We recommend that plus-sized owners put sandbags in the bed as a precaution. And for God's sake, don't sit on the tailgate."
GM Spokeswoman Sacagawea Fook
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| 2016 Suburban test vehicle with slide-outs |
GM HITS SNAG IN PLAN TO EQUIP 2016 SUBURBAN WITH
RV-STYLE SLIDE-OUTS
An inside source says GM is struggling to fit weather-proof recreational vehicle-type pop-outs to the 2016 Chevrolet Suburban.
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| Unidentified engineer is untangled by coworker as a panic-stricken half-woman watches |
When extended, the two hydraulically-operated slides could increase the passenger capacity to 16 or more, but according to the source, as it is now, at least six occupants would be "turned into pretzels" when the devices retract. "More work is needed," he said.
One engineer who had an extremely close call had to be untangled by coworkers after the slides closed unexpectedly on him as he worked in the back seat. He was unhurt but won't be able to ride a bicycle for a few weeks.
VATICAN ADMITS: "WE SHOULD HAVE ORDERED THE DEFROSTER" FOR NEW POPEMOBILE
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| A large crowd struggles to see the Pope though foggy Popemobile windows |
Spectator Earlene DiNucci
DEALERSHIPS SAY SHORTAGE OF GIANT BOWS WILL HURT VALENTINE'S AUTO SALES
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| "This is my last giant bow," lamented Mercedes dealer Jeasle Pinderhoof. "And it's the wrong color for Valentine's Day." |
"This shortage couldn't have come at a worse time," said crestfallen Mercedes-Benz dealer Jeasle Pinderhoof as he shook his head and brushed his tongue against his yellowish upper molar, a tooth that dentists would refer to as number 14. "I have one big bow left, and it's a blue one. I'm completely out of red ones, and red, of course, is the official color of Valentine's Day. You don't give your sweetheart blue roses, do you?" he said with tears welling in his eyes.
"We've got a huge inventory of vehicles and the financing is the best it's ever been, including rates as low as 2.5% for up to 72 months," said Pinderhoof, who added, "Of course that's on approval of credit, and rates, terms and conditions are subject to change without notice. We just don't have any giant bows!"
Sucaryl Sobplott, a spokeswoman for the League of Giant Bow Manufacturers (LGBM), said a strike by union bow loaders is holding up shipment to auto dealers. "The bows are just sitting in shipping containers. It's a sad situation," she said, sobbing.
INTERVIEW WITH VEHICLE INTERIOR CONTROLS ABBREVIATOR BUNKLE PETER
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| Retired Abbreviator Bunkle Peter |
84-year old Peter (a phrase we acknowledge sounds unseemly) at his home in East Retrop, Oklahoma.
PP: It's very nice to see you Mr. Peter.
Peter: Thks, but pls call me Bunkle.
PP: Wow, you even abbreviate when you speak.
Peter: After abbreviating for almost 60 years it's a hard habit to break. My wife Flo is always gettin' after me.
PP: Flo...is that short for Florence?
Peter: No.
PP: Oh. So, umm...PRNDL must have been your magnum opus.
Peter: That's a Dodge, right?
PP: No, it's---holy jumpin' Moses, what the hell is that?
Peter: That's my dog. She's a Hairless Pug.
PP: Looks like some sort of larvae.
Peter: Thks.
PP: Anyway, we were talking about PRNDL.
Peter: PRNDL was fine, but I'm most proud of CHK ENGINE.
PP: I've always wondered why it wasn't abbreviated CHECK ENG. It's shorter.
Peter: We thought about it and actually conducted a poll. No one could figure out what an ENG was. People weren't very smart back then.
PP: What other abbreviations did you create?
Peter: Oh gosh, there's hi, lo, AC and recirc--I'm especially proud of recirc--and O/D. My friend Bob Unguium created the abbreviation 4WD, and several years later I came up with AWD. He never spoke to me again.
PP: He thought you stole his idea?
Peter: No. I stole his Hairless Pug.
CAUGHT ON CAMERA! 2018 HYUNDAI HELOSTER
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| Marginally acclaimed auto spy photographer Dink O'Spool captured the 2018 Heloster during testing. |
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| Remember to duck when you get out. Unidentified Heloster sentry apparently forgot that part |
Freelance spy photographer Dink O'Spool spotted the vehicle parked out back of the Cracker Barrel in Sulphur, Louisiana. He was only able to shoot one photo before being chased off by a young, irritable yet oddly attractive flat-headed woman.
PISSED OFF GRANDPA RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO HAUNT "JACKASS" GRANDSON
GHOSTLY VISITS BEGIN AFTER GRANDSON TURNS INHERITED TRUCK INTO RAT ROD
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| Hovering apparition of Vance Knob was captured on camera by grandson |
Vance Knob is very angry. He's also very dead. Just before he died of acute bruxism last summer, Knob, who was no relation to feckless beat poet Trinket Knob, gave his beloved old pickup truck to his 22-year-old grandson Tab Knob, along with stern orders to take good care of it.
But within months,Tab, using a rented Sawzall and a borrowed auto body spoon, had turned the 62-year-old Chevy into a rat rod, a deed he now regrets. "Grandpa Knob shows up in my bedroom 'pert near every night and floats around in front of the bathroom door and yells at me," said a shaken Tab Knob. "He says I'm a jackass 'cause I cut up his truck."
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| Tab Knob turned his grandfather's old Chevy pickup into a rat rod |
Tab now says he'll return the truck to the condition it was in when he inherited it from his grandfather. "I like the chopped top and smokestack and stuff, but I'm tired of him hollering' at me and blocking my bathroom door. If I fix it, maybe he'll go back to bein' dead."
RAM APOLOGIZES FOR DAMAGE TO STONEHENGE DURING COMMERCIAL SHOOT
"It probably wasn't appropriate." Ram spokesman McWheemus Bartle
Ram has officially apologized to "the people of England" after two of the mammoth stones that make up the prehistoric monument Stonehenge were pulled down and dragged during a demonstration of the towing abilities of the 2015 Ram 3500 heavy duty truck.
"In hindsight, it probably wasn't appropriate," said repentant Ram spokesman McWheemus Bartle. One stone was toppled and the other dragged about 40 feet during the demonstration, which Ram had intended to use in a television commercial.
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| Ram 3500 pickup topples one stone while dragging another at England's prehistoric monument Stonehenge |
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| A worker walks near the toppled stones |
Paxton Botwright of the English Heritage Authority, the group that oversees Stonehenge, commented incredulously, "I'm gobsmacked. We thought they just wanted to shoot with the monument in the background, not pull the bloody thing over."
"We didn't think it would be such a big deal, but I guess we were wrong," said Ram spokesman Bartle, adding, "Needless to say, we'll put the rocks back up the way they were."
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