OBAMA TO RENAME ALASKA PEAK AFTER GMC TRUCK

The White House announced yesterday that President Obama will officially change the name of Alaska's Mt. McKinley to Denali.  

Aerial photograph of Denali

"The President has always liked Vice-President Biden's GMC Denali and thought it would be a cool name for the mountain," explained White House spokesperson Midge Piano, who quickly clarified that Biden's truck isn't an actual Denali, but rather a Denali tribute. "You have to be a damn college football coach to afford a real Denali," said Piano.

At 20,237 feet (3,372.8 fathoms) Denali is the highest mountain peak in America, according to a booklet called, "The Highest Mountain Peaks in America," and was originally named after President William McKinley, who ordered the mountain built in 1889 to provide shade for Alaska's indigenous Athabaskan people.     

BUS STATION SPEED DATING EVENTS CANCELED

ATTENDANCE NEVER MET EXPECTATIONS, SAYS ORGANIZER

"It was kind of creepy," said bus station speed-dating participant Lavitra McFogg

After just four weeks, the organizer of the Friday night speed dating events at the downtown bus station are calling it quits.  

"Attendance just wasn't very good, especially among more um, stable individuals," explained organizer Flicka Zipser. "Plus, exhaust fumes from the buses idling out back leaked into the building. That didn't help."

Zipser said that while most female participants were employed local residents, some of the men appeared to live at the bus station while others wound up there after being given bus tickets upon being released from prison. "Boy, those guys were really excited about meeting women," Zipser whispered.  

THE GOOD NEWS: FORD IS RESURRECTING THE RANGER IN THE U.S.!

THE BAD NEWS:  IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE OLD ONE

Ford fans rejoiced for about a half-hour after news broke that a new mid-sized Ranger pickup would again be built and sold in the U.S.  

Then the photos surfaced.  

"It's the same truck they sold back in 2011, except they hung some new lights and a lame Aston-Martin grille on it." said disillusioned Ranger fan Pogo Speeler. "I waited more than three years for this?" 

Ford, however, claimed the new Ranger will meet the needs of thousands of aluminum can collectors, independent Dish Network installers, and former Isuzu P'up owners. 

"Well, I won't buy one," said Speeler, shaking his head. "I'd rather drive a Courier."  

VETERINARIAN'S NEW INVENTION KEEPS TEEN DRIVERS OFF THEIR PHONES

The same innovative veterinarian who two years ago invented a do-it-yourself pet neutering kit has another new gadget, this one targeting teens who use their phones while driving.  

The FoneCone should not be used while driving a convertible with the
top down during a severe rainstorm, said Dr. Salopeck

"It's a very inexpensive way to solve a pervasive and dangerous problem," said Dr. Pickles Salopeck. The device, called the FoneCone, prevents teens from holding a phone to their ear and also blocks downward vision to discourage texting.     

The device, available in sizes S, M, L and XL, comes in a neutral off-white color that the manufacturer claims will compliment any car interior hue.  It can be ordered from Dr. Salopeck's website, www.doctorpicklesfonecone.biz.  

TURBO LAG TASK FORCE WASTES HALF THE DAY JUST GETTING GOING, SAYS FACILITATOR

A five-person task force charged with finding new ways to eradicate turbo lag is sometimes ineffectual but seconds later can become almost uncontrollable once they do spring to life, says a facilitator who is trying to motivate the group.  

The five-member Turbo Lag Task Force starts out the day

"It's aggravating," said professional facilitator Bubinder Looie. "I sit there and sit there waiting for them to do something--anything," he said. "And then, all of a sudden, without notice -- WHAM! -- they spring to life and go like hell."

"When that happens, it's often difficult to control them," added Looie.  

CALIFORNIA OUTLAWS PAPER SERVICE DEPARTMENT FLOOR MATS

 

As more and more California landfills become landfulls, once-commonplace conveniences such as free grocery bags have gone the way of Circuit City and Planter's Cheez Balls. 

Indeed, a new California law requires supermarket shoppers to supply their own reusable bags. Violators are locked in a freezer with a grocery checker who repeatedly asks, "Did you find everything you were looking for?"  

                                
FROM THE SUPERMARKET TO THE AUTO DEALERSHIP

But the recycling mist has now seeped out of the supermarket doors and down the street to your local auto dealership. 

"No more free throwaway paper floor mats in the service department," said Gonzo Usoz, general manager of Tiddle City Hyundai. "Our customers have to supply their own reusable mats if they don't want our technicians'  greasy shoeprints on their carpets."

"It sucks," said Hyundai Elantra owner Bossie Snell, toting
her reusable floor mats as she arrives for a service appointment

Next year, California will also ban the familiar "Monroney" window sticker which contains the MSRP, fuel mileage and more, and replace it with a more environmentally friendly version printed in soy ink on a hemp sandwich board placed next to the vehicle.  

NO BULL: LAMBORGHINI TO NAMES ITS CARS AFTER....WHAAAAT?

Renzo DeSpatula, Lamborghini's Marketing
Director, fights back tears

Head buried in hands, Lamborghini Marketing Director Renzo DeSpatula was enveloped in an air of despair.  

"Non so che cosa fare!" cried DeSpatula, which we think means, "Nuns eating cheese at the coast."  

The reason for DeSpatula's angst? The Sant'Agata-based automaker's tradition of naming its sleek vehicles after fighting bulls is nearing an end.  

Yes, after an era of cars with bovine monikers including Muira, Murciélago, Gallardo, and Aventador, the running of the bulls is over. 

Late last week, Lamborghini announced that it has entirely exhausted its supply of bull names. And with a new hypercar about to make its debut, the timing couldn't be worse.  

"Choices good few are there," said DeSpatula, whose primary language is something other than English. 


An unnamed Lamborghini employee told Parksplug the company will abandon bovine names and switch to chickens instead, and said company officials have spent long days poring over the list of Italian chicken breeds on the website mypetchicken.com.  


"Right now, the name of choice for the new car is Pollo Veloce," said the source.  

Pecking order:  The Pollo Veloce could become Lamborghini's first car in
recent years be named after a chicken rather than a bull

KOENIGSEGG'S NEW JET FIGHTER-INSPIRED SUPERCAR FAILS TO MEET EURO PEDESTRIAN SAFETY STANDARDS

Koenigsegg's new fighter jet-inspired Spetsa 

"We think it's the mirrors. We'll probably have to redesign them." 

Thorgisl Roostergaard,
Koenigsegg engineer

An EU auto safety engineer (L) analyzes the results
of a pedestrian safety test involving the Koenigsegg Spetsa

                                                                 



The release of Swedish automaker Koenigsegg's latest supercar has been postponed after the vehicle failed to meet European pedestrian safety standards.  

European Union safety inspectors confirmed that the Spetsa, which means "impale" in Swedish, did not pass tests but have not yet released an explanation for the failure.

"We think perhaps the mirrors are too big," said Koenigsegg design engineer Thorgisl Roostergaard. "We'll probably have to redesign them."   

The Spetsa's predecessor, the Koenigsegg Rikadumhuvud, was also delayed after the name would not fit anywhere in or on the car. A font change to Arial Narrow solved the problem.  

FIRST LOOK! NEXT GENERATION PRIUS CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

The Prius is shown inside the circle at the bottom. The top circle was
a mistake and we couldn't figure out how to make it go away.

Toyota's fourth-generation Prius, which will likely follow the first, second and third generations and will make its debut September 8th, was caught on camera earlier this week by Parksplug spy photographer Binga LaToot.

According to the photograph, the 2016 Prius will look just like the old one except for a revised 1998 Buick Skylark-like rear end and boomerang headlights.  

Because of heavy security, LaToot had to dress in a bison costume and shoot the photograph from approximately one parsec away.    

GEEK SQUAD STRIKE FORCE TARGETS HACKERS

The black and white Ford Transit van quickly accelerated through the intersection, red and blue lights flashing and siren wailing. The target: another hacker who was about to be taken down by the recently-formed Geek Squad Strike Force.  

Senior Strike Force Agent
Drago "The Dragon" Filippi

"Hackers are stealing America blind," said Geek Squad Senior Agent Drago "The Dragon" Filippi. "It's not enough for us to just spray canned air and remove malware anymore; we need to go after these criminals in the streets."  

To do that, Geek Squad strike force agents spend their day tracking hackers on the road, not sitting behind the counter at a Best Buy computer repair kiosk. 

"We get them when they take a break to hit Starbucks. Then we pull them over and take them down," explained Filippi as he watched traffic from the driver's seat of his black and white strike force van.   

"If the feds ain't gonna do it, we will," he said menacingly as he  drummed his fingers on the grip of his soldering gun.

A Geek Squad Task Force van stops a suspected hacker 

MISSOURI DMV WILL ALTER YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE PHOTO -- FOR A FEE

STATE IS REPORTEDLY MAKING DOZENS OF DOLLARS PHOTOSHOPPING LICENSES

A recent article in Guns & Ammo magazine reported that a whopping 84% of the population who have a driver's license are dissatisfied with their photo.  Furthermore, the report claims the other 16% are detestable, swell-headed nodcocks.  

BEFORE:  Yogi Heflinger was mildly overweight and
had thinning hair. (Note: his zip code has been blurred for
privacy purposes)  

Recently, authorities in the state of Missouri came up with a better idea--the first good one they've had since February of 1967 when they outlawed homemade gasoline.

The state now allows drivers to pay a fee to have their driver's license Photoshopped, and the state is reaping a pretty decent payday in the process.  

AFTER:  Heflinger paid $15 to have the DMV add hair
to his photo, plus an additional $20 for the Buff Package.
"Yup," Heflinger replied when asked if he was satisfied
with the changes.  

"We got folks around here who are so ugly they make blind people hurl," said Missouri Department of Motor Vehicles spokesperson Frigit Hofnaugle, who herself resembles an emaciated Steve Buscemi with corn rows.   

"So, it's good for our customers 'cause they ain't so homely no more and it's good for the state 'cause we're making money," said Hofnaugle as she brushed cigar ashes off her coveralls.  

According to Hofnaugle, the average fee paid to alter a license is $20. "For that price, we can Photoshop out a couple of moles and give you a mouthful of teeth."

    

PARKSPLUG Q & A

From Parksplug reader Nylot Dildodd:

I've heard Mazda has redesigned the upcoming Miata in an attempt to discourage the "chick car" appellation.  

PP:  Okay. Thanks for writing.  

ND:  Umm, wait, can I ask a question?

PP:  You just did.

ND:  I mean, another one?

PP:  Strike two.  Alright, go ahead.

ND:  What changes did Mazda make on the Miata to butch it up a bit?  

PP:  See photo below.

WE KNEW WE HAD SEEN THIS SOMEWHERE BEFORE...

(L) BMW M4         (R) Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000

FIAT TO TAKE ON HYUNDAI'S UPCOMING SANTA CRUZ PICKUP TRUCK!

FAKE SPY PHOTO PROVES FIAT'S SAN BERNADINO MINI-TRUCK IS REAL!

Fiat's San Bernadino pickup.  The diagonal crack in the pavement is thought to be an offshoot of the nearby Snotmy Fault. 

Parksplug reader Jolly Ribbles was delivering bowling trophies in Nooseneck over the weekend when he spotted this Fiat San Bernadino pickup parked out front of the Books n' Fudge store and captured a picture of it with his non-trusty Bell and Howell cell phone.  

"I was delivering bowling trophies and..." (we cut him off at this point because we already heard this part).  

The San Bernadino is Fiat's answer to Hyundai's upcoming Santa Cruz unibody pickup, and can haul some small cats or maybe four bowling trophies.  More information was available but isn't included here because we lost interest.   

RELATED NEWS!

New research by the University of Upsala shows that despite what many believe, exclamation points do not add excitement to headlines!  

OLDEST BARRETT-JACKSON VEHICLE PUSHER FINALLY HANGS UP HIS WHITE GLOVES

He was among Barrett-Jackson's first "pushers" when the Scottsdale-based vehicle auction company opened for business in 1971. "I was already 36 back then," said 87-year old Chester Pulaski, who, next week, will trade his trusty white gloves for "my Ameriglide recliner and a goddamned jigsaw puzzle."

"My hands hurt," complained 87-year old Chester Pulaski

His much-younger co-workers say Pulaski seldom complains, although he does acknowledge that the vehicles he pushes along the auction stage feel heavier than they used to.

"You ever try pushing a goddamned Charger Hellcat?" he barked.  "It's like trying to push a goddamned bus.  We've auctioned off a few of those, too."

Pulaski says he wants to retire while his health is still relatively good. "I've got a bit of rheumatism and my fingers are stiff and crunchy, but I can still out-push most of the young bucks around this place."

Barrett-Jackson spokesperson Blanchie Mogo said the company planned to give Pulaski his old white gloves as a retirement gift, but reconsidered after realizing they could auction them off for "four or five bucks."

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: HAVE AUTOMAKERS GONE TOO FAR WITH DIGITAL DASHBOARDS?

Dashboard cluster in Prindl Singh's 2013 Suzuki Kizashi

NO:  I love my digital dash, especially the happy little animated alarm clock. It reminds me of my late husband.  Prindl Singh, Beowawe, NV

YES:  My dashboard should just display my speed and how much gas I have left, not look like downtown Tokyo at night.  Bosco Winthrop, Pocahontas, MN

INTERNET SHOW "COMEDIANS IN CARS SPILLING COFFEE" GETS THE AX

"TOO DAMN MANY STAINS AND BURNS," SAYS PRODUCER 

The nearly unheard-of internet program Comedians in Cars Spilling Coffee has been canceled, a victim of costly medical insurance and car cleaning claims, according to Burl Skidmore, the show's producer.

Available only on Finnish video sharing website YouPutki, the half-hour show followed comedians as they drove around the Ypsilanti area and drank coffee in unconventional vehicles with no cupholders.  

"Se oli typerä ajatus," said YouPutki spokesperson Orvokki Erkkila-Vasquez when reached by phone in Helsinki. We couldn't agree more.  

Comedian Murdo Hatfield sustained 1.25 degree burns after spilling hot
coffee on himself during filming. Or taping. Or whatever it's called these days.

SIRIUS XM BROADCASTING NOTHING BUT DAFT PUNK AFTER SATELLITE SLIPS ITS ORBIT

Customers of Sirius XM's satellite radio service are flooding social media sites with complaints after one of the company's satellites slipped from its orbit late last night, drastically limiting programming.  

"Right now, all our channels are for some reason streaming nothing but Daft Punk," said Sirius XM spokesman Todo Musser.  "Our engineers are working hard to get the satellite back into its proper orbit so our customers can enjoy the entire lineup of great music and entertainment, including the Jenny McCarthy show," he added.

Musser said the 3,400 pound satellite "probably won't" fall to earth.  "If it does, then look out," he said laughing.  "It'll probably still be burning when it hits," said Musser, adding, "In the meantime, please enjoy Daft Punk."

GROUP HOPES TO RAISE AWARENESS OF CAPRICE BRUTALITY

"Caprice brutality is a nationwide problem and we're working to bring an end to it," said an impassioned Alvin Gout, president of the organization Stop Caprice Brutality Now! (SCBN!) as he slammed his fist down onto his desk, cracking the screen of the lime green Fitbit Zip he was wearing.  

In one recent case, police arrested 36-year-old Arby Twitchell
for Caprice brutality. Police say that like Twitchell, most
suspects are angry men with oblong heads

According to Gout, the number of Caprice brutality cases has been on the rise over the past few years.

"Most of the victims are the less popular '91 - '96 Caprices.  And this is something that doesn't happen with foreign cars," he said, adding, "It's strictly domestic abuse."  

Stop Caprice Brutality Now! is holding a march this Saturday to raise awareness of the issue.

"We don't know yet where the march will be held, but we're inviting everyone to join us at 8:00am," said SCBN! spokesperson Sonnet Crunch.

The location of the march is unknown
but the route will probably look
something like this.  

PAPUA NEW GUINEA WANTS TO BUY ALL 578,000 RECALLED RAM TRUCKS

An island nation that has among the fewest vehicles per capita in the world is hoping to get a quick boost by buying more than a half-million Ram pickup trucks that Fiat Chrysler has agreed to buy back from owners due to non-repairable steering defects.

Fiat Chrysler spokesperson Lavender Faloney acknowledged today that the automaker is in negotiations with Papua New Guinea--a country of seven million people that occupies half of the island of New Guinea--to purchase the trucks. 

"We are very excited. The only vehicles we have now are some Ford Fiestas and Hyundai forklifts," said Ficksen Oxlob, Papua New Guinea's Minister of Transport. 

Even though a photograph of a Ram pickup would have been more
applicable to this story, here's a picture of a Caravan instead. 

Oxlob was undaunted by the steering problems affecting the trucks, explaining, "Steering is not necessary here. Perhaps someone drives into the sea; that is all that could happen." 

The recall and buy back order came after months of negotiations between Fiat Chrysler and the U.S. Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Pickup Trucks. 

FIRST LOOK! FIAT HELLGNAT CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

Fiat Chrysler has been mum about the prospect of a much-rumored new Fiat Abarth model equipped with the automaker's new not-quite-high-performance HellGnat supercharged 1.4 liter engine. 

2017 Fiat Abarth HellGnat wrapped in camo and parked against a swirly wall at Fiat headquarters

But after being caught on camera by intrepid Parksplug photographer Piso Mojado, who was hunting mud puppies in a fetid sewage lagoon outside Fiat headquarters, it's a given that the HellGnat-powered coupe is destined for production. 

"At first, I thought someone had just left a set of wheels and tires in front of a swirly-painted wall," said Mojado.  "But then I looked closer and noticed there was a car there."

In addition to the supercharger, the Fiat HellGnat reportedly features several moveable aerodynamic flaps, a 525 CCA battery, and bright exhaust tip extension. It's expected to go on sale just in time for Tazio Nuvalori Day celebrations.    

DONALD TRUMP AND BERNIE SANDERS SQUARE OFF IN DEBATE TODAY

Even before the start of debates within their own parties, GOP candidate Donald Trump and Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders have decided to face one another today at the Cheesecake Factory Arena and Convention Center.   

"We realize it's early, but we believe it is important for the American people to, uh, I think they, I'm sorry...crap, I forgot what I was going to say," said Ronnie L. Biswalt, the debate organizer and the owner a small folding chair rental company. 

Sanders' (L) and Trump's tour buses parked outside the Cheesecake Factory Arena and Convention Center. Note that
Trump's bus is so big it sticks out into the right margin.  

"The Colonel will talk about the issues of concern to the American people, including replacing the giant telecommunications conglomerates with a simple wiki," said Sanders spokesperson Feather Nsaid.

Trump spokesman Jingo Peruke said he hadn't spoken with the candidate as Trump had been stuck for hours on an inoperative escalator inside the convention center.  

The debate will be televised live on the WTF-TV.