NEW TRISCUIT SEAT COVERS JOIN WRANGLER OPTIONS LIST

Triscuit seat inserts are now available on all Wrangler models.  
Buyers can choose between original and tomato basil.  

Wrangler fans seemed sort of elated as Jeep introduced its new, highly-anticipated Triscuit seat cover option at a press conference yesterday.

"I'm sort of elated," said Jeep Compass owner and part-time Batteries+Bulbs clerk Votoff Musser, who, strangely, had a tattoo of an arm with a tattoo on his arm.  

"Before you ask, yes, the seat covers are actually formed using Triscuit crackers specially made for the Wrangler," said Jeep spokesperson Gluanne Vowel.  "If you've ever sat on a Triscuit, you know they're really grippy, so it's the perfect seat covering for an off-road vehicle," claimed Vowel.

Triscuit marketing director Ying Ling Barker told the crowd the cracker maker has long been involved in motorsports.  "High-fiber snack crackers and high-performance seat covers are our passion," he or she said while nibbling the right leg off a Teddy Graham.  

RELATED NEWS:  STEEL-BODIED WRANGLER WILL CONTINUE AFTER ALL, SAYS GUY OPERATING BACKPACK LEAF BLOWER IN PANERA PARKING LOT

A Gallium-bodied Wrangler test vehicle melts into a puddle
after being parked in the afternoon sun

Fiat Chrysler's plan to replace the Jeep Wrangler's steel body with one made of a lightweight metal called Gallium has been nixed, says a reliable but dusty source. 

After months of testing, it was discovered that Gallium has such a low melting point that just holding it in your hand turns it to liquid. 

The source said more than fifty gallium-bodied Wranglers were reportedly melted by heat from their own engines and had to be squeegeed off the facility floor.


   

STUDY: RAM TRUCK OWNERS FIND THE SOUND OF AN IDLING DIESEL ENGINE MORE AROUSING THAN...

You've seen it, too, right?  A guy sitting behind the wheel of an idling Ram diesel pickup in a parking lot for an inordinate amount of time.  No, we don't know what inordinate means either but we've heard other people say it.  

Anyway, why doesn't diesel dude just shut it off already?  

Now we know, thanks to a recent study performed by Dr. Delirio DeFumputty, a University of Minnehaha instructor of classes including Applied Neuroscience, Introduction to Saltwater Fish Behavior, and Why Should I Give a Shit About Pelvic Clenching?

According to DeFumputty's research (which would make a great name for a pub in Bakersfield), more than 95% of male Ram truck owners became more aroused when listening to a recording of a Cummins diesel engine than viewing a photo of an overfilled gas balloon replica of Paige Spiranac.  

And yes, Dr. D. also polled female Ram owners.  "All but one responded by saying, 'Leave me alone or I'll call the police.'  The other one requested more information about pelvic clenching classes." 

WHY ELON MUSK FIRED HIMSELF FROM TESLA

After weeks of being peppered with questions from reporters, Tesla CEO is finally explaining why he fired himself.  

"Having suffered a $700-billion drop in market valuation, it's no secret that Tesla needs new leadership.  I just wasn't working out, so I made the very difficult decision that I had to go," Musk explained.  

"So, last Tuesday, I called me into my office.  You know, honestly, I think I already knew something was up.  People were whispering behind my back.  I told me that I appreciated all the hard work that I had done but that I had no choice but to let myself go."  

Musk said that things became heated during the self-conversation. "I ended up having to alert security and having myself escorted out of the building.  It's just sad that it had to end that way."