IS THIS GILLETTE'S NEW SUV?

RAZOR COMPANY TO JOIN RANKS OF AUTOMAKERS WITH DEBUT OF MACH 4X4?

New Gillette 4X4 features titanium blades
and lubrication strip

Razor manufacturer Gillette today released a teaser photograph of its first vehicle, the four-wheel-drive Mach 4X4.  

Gillette Marketing Manger Beebeelynn Gnartoff claimed the SUV has features not offered by other automakers.  "It's the only vehicle with a grill that has double ultra-thin cutting foils plus three lower titanium blades with a lubrication strip,” said Gnartoff.    

HEADLINES WE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT

GUY WHOSE IDEA IT WAS TO PAINT FIRE ENGINES LIME GREEN IS FINALLY DEAD

Celebrations break out at thousands of fire stations across the country.





AUTOMAKERS COMPLAIN ABOUT STARBUCKS' NEW ONE-GALLON "TRENTA" CUP

Starbucks Trenta cup pictured
in new Ford Furlough

"We're maxed out.  If cupholders get any larger, we'll have to eliminate the front passenger seat."  Javier DeSususudio, Chief of Interior Design, Ford Motor Company

NICHE-FILLING BMW TO RELEASE FIVE-EIGHTHS TON PICKUP?

WILL BMW BUILD THIS FIVE-EIGHTHS TON PICKUP?

BMW, known for identifying and exploiting underserved vehicle markets, today confirmed a rumor that it will slip a five-eighths ton pickup truck into its seemingly full lineup next year.  A spy photograph of what appears to be a test mule popped up on BMW internet forums last week.  

While the company declined to release much information about the vehicle, an anonymous BMW insider claimed the hybrid truck will be equipped with a 55-horsepower electric motor paired with a twin-turbocharged 4.4 liter V-8, allowing the truck to travel approximately 270 feet using only the electric motor.  The source also said the vehicle will be named the T445iXDriveActiveHybridPritischenwagen, or "Prit" for short.  

BMW design head Horst "Lou" Pferdestärke claims such a truck makes sense, saying, "We need a pickup in our lineup, and sometimes a half-ton is too small and a three-quarter ton is too large.  We're even studying the feasibility of an eleven-sixteenths ton truck."     

Pferdestärke reacted angrily when a reporter pointed out that the vehicle shown in the photograph featured the renowned "Hofmeister kink" design feature.  "No!  I designed this.  It is not the same.  It is a "Pferdestärke kink!" he shouted as he stomped out of the room.  

HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT TO PLACE DISCOUNT COUPONS INSIDE ROADKILL

The next time you spot a dead animal in the roadway, you might want to stop and pick it up rather than just drive on by.  That's because highway department officials today announced a new plan to insert discount coupons for restaurants, theaters, salons and retailers inside roadkill.  "We believe drivers will stop and pick up dead animals in the hopes there might be a money-saving coupon inside," said highway department administrator Walter "Whirly" O'Chang. "It'll sure save us money by not having to pick up and dispose of all that roadkill."

Hair salon owner Peaches Findleweimer said she jumped on board as soon as she heard about the program. "I think it's great. I bought 200 coupons for discount perms that'll go inside dead raccoons. For the same price I could have had 300 skunk coupons, but who would stop for a dead skunk?" she asked, smiling wistfully.

O'Chang emphasized that motorists should remove the coupons and not take the dead animal with them to the business or retailer.

AMID DECLINING MOTORCYCLE SALES, HARLEY-DAVIDSON FOCUSES ON FITNESS EQUIPMENT

Slim Bob Elliptical Trainer

Harley-Davidson is an American manufacturing icon, but the motorcycle maker is still struggling to recover from the great recession.  ”We had to develop new products,” said marketing director Dorman “Pile Driver” Spootman while picking his teeth with a large dagger.

Their first new product, the Slim Bob elliptical trainer, has just hit the market and Harley employees are obviously proud of it.  ”It’s alright,” said Spootman.  ”It’s got a hole for your beer can.”

VOLVO WINS "BEST KEY TO PICK YOUR EAR WITH" AWARD FOR FOURTH YEAR IN A ROW

Award-winning
Volvo S60 key

Fajita Mufferberg's body writhed back and forth as she twisted the gold-colored key that was deeply inserted into her left ear.  "Oh...my...God," she exclaimed, her eyes closed.  The key was for a 2014 Volvo S60 sedan, and for the third consecutive year, the Swedish car manufacturer won top honors in the "Best Key" category at the National Ear Pickers convention in Nashville.   Judges presented elated Volvo representatives with the coveted Golden Ear trophy, saying, “The key's notches and grooves provide the most stimulating experience since Q-Tip discontinued their vibrating Q-Tickler model.”

Meantime, a half-dozen ear, nose and throat doctors picketed outside the convention center, one holding a large sign reading, “Nothing smaller than your elbow!”Hundreds of attendees waited in long lines at Volvo’s booth to get their hands on a free sample key. After her experience, Mufferberg, 32, of Alpaca, Wyoming, seemed dazed, and muttered, “I have to go sit down,” as Volvo staffers smiled and nodded.