WORKERS COMPLAIN THAT NEW EXHAUST-POWERED TOOLS MAKE THEM WOOZY

Framing contractor Skeeter Weefles takes a break
after fumes from his exhaust powered 
nail gun made him " dizzy and cross-eyed"

The manufacturer's claims were promising: A new line of innovative construction tools powered by a vehicle's exhaust that promised go-anywhere capability without the need for batteries. But now some workers are complaining that they have been affected by the fumes leaking from the tools, resulting in grogginess, blurred hearing, partial tongue detachment and itchy glands.  

"I got all dizzy and cross-eyed every time I used it," said framing contractor Skeeter Weefles of his new nail gun, which is powered by the exhaust from his Chevrolet Silverado pickup.  "I'd rather go back to using a hammer and nails than be cross-eyed," he said.  

Other buyers complain that vehicles with smaller engines don't produce enough exhaust pressure to sufficiently power the tools. "The exhaust from my old Nissan Hardbody wouldn't hardly come out the end of the hose," said carpenter Wally Salinas. "My orbital sander wouldn't orbit; it just sat there and hissed," he complained.  "I had to spent $45K on a new Ecoboost F-150 just so my tools would work."  

PISSED OFF JAGUAR OWNER: "OLD ADAGE 'TAKE CARE OF YOUR CAR AND IT WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU' IS A LOAD OF CRAP"

Liam Bunger says his 19-year-old Jaguar breaks down frequently
even though he performs regular maintenance

"The most recent problems were a blown radiator, a flat tire and a black box with four prongs sticking out the side that fell from somewhere underneath the dash," said a morose Liam Bunger, the owner of a 1996 Jaguar XJS.  

Bunger insists his XJS is serviced regularly, saying,  "I even take it to a mechanic who has a British accent." I've taken wonderful care of this car, but it hasn't taken care of me. That old adage is a load of crap. I'm notifying Snopes."  

MAYAN CALENDAR PREDICTED THE DEMISE OF PLYMOUTH

According to the Mayans, the
Plymouth Prowler should have had a V-8

The archaeologist who last year discovered the fossil of a prehistoric Stig on a cave wall in Doorbell-upon-Avon in the English countryside is back in the news again.  

At a press conference this morning, Dr. Milgus Knopf of the University of the Unctuous Grommet announced his discovery that the Mayan calendar thousands of years ago predicted the end of Chrysler's Plymouth division.

Knopf said he spent "quite a while" studying the historic calendar that was discovered in 3114 B.C., which is near present-day Vancouver, B.C.  "The Mayans predicted the demise of Plymouth over two thousand years ago," said Knopf.  "They predicted two things would lead to the company's failure: the introduction of the Plymouth Breeze and the lack of a V-8 in the Prowler."  

Dr. Milgus Knopf discovered this fossil of
an ancient Stig in a cave in England

Knopf, whose name is pronounced Knopf, said "hours and hours" of work studying the calendar were nearly lost when the circular treasure fell off  the chiffonier in his office and shattered, but he was able to get another one at Crate and Barrel.  

44 YEARS LATER, SINGER DON McLEAN AGAIN DRIVES HIS CHEVY TO THE LEVEE. WE HAVE AN UPDATE!

Don McLean's 2012 Chevy Impala parked outside
the construction area where the levee once stood

In his 1971 musical hit American Pie, singer Don McLean described driving his Chevy to the levee only to discover the levee was dry.  44-years later, McLean again drove his Chevy--albeit a much newer model--to the levee to see if the arid, parched conditions that existed nearly half a century ago persist to this day.  

"The levee was gone," said a dispirited McLean.  "They're building a bunch of condos where the levee once stood. It's heartbreaking," he said, dabbing a tear with his crinkled left thumb.  

To make matters worse, the ignition switch on McLean's Impala failed when he tried to leave the site and the vehicle had to be towed back to town.

A new roadway now occupies land where
the dry levee was once located

IS IT JUST US OR.....

DOES BENTLEY'S NEW RETRACTABLE HARDTOP LOOK OVERLY COMPLEX?

FORGET THE MID-ENGINE: NEXT-GEN CORVETTE WILL BE AN SUV

Fans of the Corvette are flooding online forums with comments--many of them impolite and off-color--after a spy photo appeared to confirm feared rumors that the next Corvette will be a sport utility vehicle.  "This is just awful news," wailed one poster. "It looks like the illicit love child of a Corvette and a Saturn wagon!" 

Spy photo suggests next-generation Corvette will be a high-performance
two-row SUV with plenty of cupholders

Gunther Slapsack shows off
his Corvette tattoo

But Gunther Slapsack, who calls himself, "The world's biggest Corvette fan," and went so far as to remove his shirt to show us the Corvette emblem tattooed on his chest, says the wagon might better suit his needs. "I'm pretty big, so I'd probably fit better in the wagon. I hope the seats are wide." Would he buy one?  "Aw hell, I ain't got any money," he replied, shuffling his feet.    

HEALTHIER EATING HABITS BLAMED FOR SHORTAGE OF FAST FOOD GREASE FOR CONVERTED DIESELS

Out of Luck:  A lack of business at this Krispy Kreme restaurant means
no grease for the owner of this converted Mercedes 

Thousands of diesel-engined cars, mostly old Mercedes-Benz and Volkswagen models, have been converted to run on waste vegetable oil. But owners of these grease burners say it has become very difficult to find fuel for their cars as more people adopt healthier eating habits. 

According to AAA spokesperson DeAugustino Spunkle, the grease shortage could result in ten or twelve people across the country having to cancel their summer driving vacation.  

"What's happening to this country?" asked agitated Mercedes 300SD owner Pyewacket Humphrey.  "I can't get oil from Krispy Kreme anymore because their business has dropped off. Same thing at McDonald's. Everybody's eating f---ing salads! Greasy food is American food. It's a real shame what's happening." 

JOHN DEERE CANCELS FACTORY DELIVERY OPTION

Factory delivery is popular among buyers of European cars, including Porsche, Mercedes-Benz, Audi, BMW and Volvo. In addition to a discounted price, customers who pick up their new car at the factory can tour Europe before shipping the vehicle back home to the U.S.  

But for most buyers of more agricultural conveyances, factory delivery just isn't as appealing. Yesterday, the John Deere Manufacturing Company, famous for its line of green and yellow tractors and equipment, announced the company is canceling its factory delivery option due to lack of interest among buyers.  "We only had one feller pick up a tractor this year. Nobody's interested in touring Illinois or Wisconsin on a tractor, I guess," said a forlorn Buzz Hooper, the former Manager of Factory Delivery who has been reassigned to Deere's hay baler division.   

Zeke Bocelli and his dog Skidmark cruise on the shoulder of Interstate 70 near Colby, Kansas. The pair picked up their new John Deere X300 at the factory in Wisconsin and are on their way home to Searchlight, Nevada.     

But Zeke Bocelli, who traveled with his dog Skidmark from their home in Searchlight, Nevada to the Deere factory in Horicon, Wisconsin, loved the program.  "Me and Skidmark got a factory tour and drove our new X300 mower all over town before we set out for home," said Bocelli.  At a little over 1800 miles at a top speed of 5.5 mph, the journey home will take a little over three weeks. "But that's with lots of coffee and potty stops, though," added a smiling Bocelli.  

THIEVES DISGUISED AS GUMBY STEAL CLAY MODEL OF NEW MERCEDES SUV

Next time, remember to turn on the flash: 
Police say this darkened clay vehicle was stolen by a couple of Gumbys

Police are asking the public for help in identifying two burglars who broke into a local automotive design studio and made off with a full-sized clay prototype of a Mercedes-Benz sport utility vehicle. "We got them on a security camera," said police spokesperson Gumdrop Snell.  "They're both green with red eyes, and one is shorter and has a more pointy head than the other suspect."  

Burglars dressed as Gumby appear to panic when they
spot a security camera at rear of design studio

Snell said it isn't known why the thieves stole the clay model or how they were able to drive off with it.  

"Maybe being Gumbys they felt some sort of kinship with the clay car, I don't know," said Snell, who added, "But we need to catch them before the sun melts the thing into an unidentifiable blob...like a Fiat 500," she said while drumming her fingers on her Taser.  

TWO NOSTRILS AND A CHIN BEARD: FIRST PHOTO OF UPCOMING BMW-TOYOTA SPORTS CAR

CAUGHT ON CAMERA! BMW'S NEW 3-SERIES "M-ish" SEDAN!

NEW LOWER-COST M-ish LINEUP WILL SLOT BELOW 

"M" AND "M-PERFORMANCE" MODELS

"No comment" has been the only comment from BMW about rumors that a third line of performance vehicles would join the "M" and "M Performance" models.  But Parksplug photographer Cheerio Pulgas was able to snap  the picture of the 

3-Series M-ish shown here (actually, over there ☞).

So, how do M-ish models differ from M and M-Performance vehicles?  To better illustrate this, Parksplug created a table. Then we placed the computer and keyboard on the table and typed the following details:

ENGINE:  Both will feature 425-horsepower 3.0 liter inline six-cylinder engines, but the M-ish will come standard with a vacuum leak, so it's not as fast as the more expensive M3.

TRANSMISSION:  The M3 features a either a six-speed manual or a double-clutch automatic.  The sole transmission available in the M-ish is a continuously variable single-speed transmission with inoperative shift paddles on the steering wheel.  

FUEL EFFICIENCY:  The M3 is equipped with an auto stop/start feature while the M-ish features only an auto stop. The driver must quickly restart the engine when the light turns green.

APPEARANCE:  Simply put, the M3 is much sportier looking than the M-ish Three Series. 
While the M3 boasts a carbon fiber body kit, the M-ish makes do with cut-rate denim fiber pieces.

INTERIOR:  The M3's heavily bolstered sport seats are more comfortable than they look. The much improved i-Drive system includes standard navigation system and will automatically take control of the vehicle should you need to lift a buttock to rip off a rumbler.  Perched atop the M-ish's dashboard is an eight-inch screen with a fixed map of Delaware.  

PRICE:  The M-ish vehicles will cost less. For example, the M3 has a $62,000 base price but typically stickers at around $147,000.  Even equipped with popular but pricey options like the engine-driven spinning propeller logo on its hood, the 3-Series M-ish should cost dozens of dollars less.

   

LAMBONI: THE WORLD'S FIRST HIGH-PERFORMANCE ICE RESURFACER

DEALERSHIP GRIEF COUNSELORS HELP EASE THE PAIN OF EXORBITANT AUTO REPAIR BILLS

Cupcake Nunchuk and her husband Chuck were concerned when the transmission in their five-year-old Land Rover began making unusual noises. "When I'd shift into drive it would go sheeeeng--bap--dvvvvvvt--clunk," explained Cupcake. "It also smelled like a burning goat," added Chuck Nunchuk. 

When they took their SUV to Baldemar Fagalde Land Rover-Jaguar-Suzuki (the dealership still has one new 2012 Equator left), they received the bad news--the transmission needed a complete rebuild at a cost of over $8,000. "The Sprag clutch went sproinnnng," explained mechanic technician Sigard Hoo. "That's probably what was making the dvvvvvt noise," Hoo said.  

Cupcake Nunchuk is comforted by service department 

chaplain Hadrian Swall (R) and her husband Chuck after 

determining they would "probably have to sell our damned

 blood plasma" to pay for their Land Rover's transmission repair

"Cupcake just fell to pieces when they told us how much it was going to cost," said Chuck. "First she cried, then she threw her dentures at the mechanic." Fortunately Hadrian Swall was there to comfort her. Swall is one of only a few auto dealership grief counselors in the country, but their numbers are growing. 

"I sit with them and stroke their ears and tell them it's going to be okay," said Swall. "After the Nunchuks calmed down, they decided to trade in their Land Rover rather than spend the money to fix it," he said. "I got them 25% off MSRP on a 2012 Equator."    

NEW FROM PARKSPLUG PRESS! HOW TO INSTALL YOUR OWN HOME ELECTRIC CAR CHARGER

Just purchased your first electric car, but don't want to spend thousands or even hundreds to have an electrician install a charger in your garage?  You don't have to!  With Parkplug Press's new guide entitled, "How to Install Your Own Electric Car Charger." you'll learn how to install your own electric car charger!  

This easy-to-follow guide has more pitchers pitcures than words and is easy-to-follow.  

Forget bewildering terms like hot, neutral and ground;  In "How to Install Your Own Electric Car Charger," everything is referred to by color.  For example, black, white and green, for example.  

Don't wait!  Get your copy of "How to Install Your Own Electric Car Charger" and learn how to install your own electric car charger today!  

Results shown are not typical. Your results may vary. Not all customers will qualify.  All information contained in this guide is subject to errors, omissions, inaccuracies, defects, unknown facts and the weather.  May cause unexpected darkness of the stool.  

SNEEZING FITS THREATEN MASTER PINSTRIPER'S CAREER

Professional pinstriper Ollie Doppler tries unsuccessfully to squelch yet another sneeze

AS AUTO INDUSTRY GOES DIGITAL, SPEEDOMETER NEEDLE MANUFACTURER SEARCHES FOR NEW MARKETS

SPEEDLE SETTING SALES RECORDS SELLING NEEDLES 

TO BLOWGUN-SHOOTING PYGMIES 

Analog speedometers are slowly going the way of the incandescent bulb and actor Skeet Ulrich's career. As more and more automakers install full digital dashboards, analog speedo makers have hit upon hard times.  Except one.  Speedle, a manufacturer of speedometer needles dating back to the mid-1950's, has struck pay dirt by selling their pointed, bright red plastic wares to blowgun-shooting Pygmy hunters. 

Speedle Marketing Director Darius Funicello demonstrates how to shoot
a speedometer needle-firing blowgun for a group of Pygmies

"They love them," said Speedle Marketing Director Darius Funicello. "Unlike their old darts, the needles don't dissolve in the poison, which is quite powerful as it's made from a mixture of curare and Scott's Liquid Gold, and being bright red, they're easy to spot so you don't accidentally sit on one."  

According to Funicello, Speedle is not just making money, but setting all-time sales records. "It's all because of the Pygmies.  We love 'em," he said, adding, "I just wish Blix was still around to see this." Sadly, Blix Cammerammeran, Speedle's former CEO, died two years ago from an overdose of fish oil pills.  

VW CHANGES MODEL NAMES TO MATCH AUTOCORRECT SPELLINGS

Volkswagen is finally giving in.  After years of having the names of its cars modified by autocorrect software, the automaker has decided to permanently change the names of many of its vehicles.  

"We give our cars unique names. But owners tell us they're tired of the automatic spelling corrections every time they type the name of their car. So, we're changing the model names to be consistent with autocorrect," said Uwe Uwe Ichmussjetztgehen, Volkswagen's Geschäftsführer of Automotive Etymology.   

Not all VW models will change. For example, autocorrect considers Beetle to be spelled correctly, so that car will keep its name.  Here is a list of the old model names followed by the new ones: 




GTI..........................FYI

e-Golf......................e-ggnog

Jetta........................Jetsam

Passat.....................Passable

CC...........................CCTV

Tiguan.....................Tijuana

Toureg.....................Tourniquet

Eos..........................Ed's

LONG DIESEL ENGINE DIPSTICKS A CHALLENGE FOR SHORT-ARMED PEOPLE

A group of short-armed people is demanding that manufacturers of diesel engines find a solution to what they complain are overly long oil dipsticks.  "I have short arms.  But does that mean I shouldn't be able to own a diesel pickup and check the oil like everybody else?" asked 37-year old Cleo Wenceslaus, the owner of a late-model Chevy Silverado equipped with a 6.6 liter Duramax engine.  He demonstrated for Parksplug how he is forced to lie on the ground and wrestle with the 11-foot long dipstick in order to check the oil.  "It's like a damned anaconda," said Wenceslaus.  

He and other short-armed oil checkers have sent a letter to diesel engine makers asking for a solution to the problem. "I should have bought a gas truck, I guess," Wenceslaus lamented before asking Parksplug reporter Yehudi "Bob" Chippendale for help in inserting the dipstick back in its hole.   

Cleo Wenceslaus demonstrates his dipstick-removal technique.
"Sometimes I have to hire someone to help me put it back in again," he complained.