FIAT MAKES DESIGN CHANGES AFTER POOR SHOWING IN CRASH TESTS
AUTOMAKER NOW CRASH TESTS "EVERY CAR WE BUILD"
 |
| A colorful lineup of new crash-tested Fiats for sale at a dealership in Crouch Lake |
After receiving marginal scores in government crash tests last year, Fiat claims it has made major modifications to its vehicles to improve occupant protection. And to prove it, the company is crash testing every car it builds before being sold to a customer.
"We want buyers to be confident that our cars are safe, and that's why we crash test every one of them after coming off the assembly line," said Fiat spokesperson Electra Cripe.
Cripe said testing every car allows buyers to see for themselves how each vehicle fared in tests before they make a purchase.
29-year-old Tinsel Henneman, who recently bought a bright blue Fiat 500 Sport with a crumpled front end, said she appreciates knowing her new car is safe. "The front is all smashed and it makes a really loud scraping sound when I drive, but at least I know it's safe," she said.
ANTI-SPEEDING CRUSADER DIES; INTERNED IN SPEEDBUMP
Grant Knob, 83, a retired highway worker who loathed speeders, died Thursday at his home and was buried in a bright yellow speed bump on E. Holperig Rd.
"Grant loved nothing more than standing in his yard waving his pruning shears at motorists and yelling at them to slow down," said Knob's twin brother Brant, who is also 83 but still alive.
When asked for comment, Tingo Kilgallon, the director of the city's streets and highway department, acknowledged that internment in a speed bump was an unusual request.
"Also, it's a speed hump, not a speed bump, you idiot," said the short-tempered Kilgallon.
 | |
|
"Grant loved nothing more than standing in his yard waving his pruning shears at motorists and yelling at them to slow down," said Knob's twin brother Brant, who is also 83 but still alive.
When asked for comment, Tingo Kilgallon, the director of the city's streets and highway department, acknowledged that internment in a speed bump was an unusual request.
"Also, it's a speed hump, not a speed bump, you idiot," said the short-tempered Kilgallon.
VETERINARIAN: DOGS NEED TO START CHASING CARS AGAIN
Vet Says His New Invention is the Perfect Solution for Fat Dogs
 |
| Before and After: Veterinarian Latworthy's own dog Fidget went from being fat and lazy to thin and fit after chasing after the Git-The-Kitty cat head hitch ball |
A recent article in Costco Connection magazine claims that casseroles have once again become a family favorite. But what really caught our eye elsewhere in the issue was the statistic that nearly 60-percent of dogs in the U.S. are overweight or obese.
To combat the epidemic, says unlicensed veterinarian Tungsten B. Latworthy, pet owners should encourage their dogs to get out and chase vehicles.
"For years, we punished our dogs for chasing cars," said Latworthy. "In hindsight, that was wrong, and as a result, we have millions of fat dogs in this country. We need to get them back out there."
 |
| The Git-The-Kitty cat head hitch ball |
But getting an overweight dog to exercise isn't easy. "They're lazy," said Dr. Latworthy. 'You throw a ball and they just lie there and look at you. That's why I developed the Git-The-Kitty cat head trailer hitch ball."
Latworthy's invention is a molded foam device that resembles an indignant cat and easily replaces a standard two-inch hitch ball. "Bolt the Git-The-Kitty onto your bumper or hitch and I guarantee your dog will chase you all day long," he said confidently.
When asked if he's earning a lot of money from his invention, Latworthy shakes his head.
"I just love dogs and I want them to be healthy," said Latworthy quietly as he hand-fed his dog Fidget a glob of Frito Casserole.
MOTORIST WITH U.S. MAP TATTOO MISTAKES HER OWN BELLYBUTTON FOR GRAND CANYON
"I should have checked a real map, I guess," said Oregon resident after following her own map tattoo to Illinois.
An Oregon woman with a U.S. map tattooed on her stomach mistook her navel for the Grand Canyon and drove her 2001 Ford Windstar minivan more than 1,100 miles in an attempt to visit the monument.  |
| Oregon resident Bubbles Boing explains how she mistook her navel for the Grand Canyo |
"I'm really bad at geography. I saw a deep hole on my tattoo and just assumed it was the Grand Canyon," declared 42-year-old Bubbles Boing of Agness, Oregon.
After following the map for 1,108 miles, Boing wound up in Millersburg, Illinois.
""I stopped at a Huck's Food and Fuel station and asked the clerk which road to take to get to the Grand Canyon," said Boing. "He said he thought it was somewhere in Arizona. That's when I discovered that what I thought was the Grand Canyon was actually my bellybutton."
"If I had an 'outie' instead of an 'innie', this never would have happened," said the downtrodden Boing, who had the map tattooed on her stomach decades ago at a county fair.
IKEA STORES TO SELL NEW VOLVOS
VEHICLES SOLD UNASSEMBLED BUT INCLUDE EASY-TO-FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS
IKEA, the huge blue and yellow stores that each year sell trillions of boxes stuffed with simulated wood panels along with a baffling array of doodads, cam locks, drawer glides, nut sleeves and screws, announced yesterday that its stores will sell the entire Volvo passenger vehicle lineup at its stores beginning next year.
 |
| IKEA shopper Fifi DeWickit examines a Skänka non-stick herring steamer. Behind her on display is a 2016 Volvo XC Medelhög, formerly known as the XC60 |
 |
| Illustrated assembly guide is easy to follow and includes Swedish help line phone number |
One difference that customers will likely notice is that Volvos sold by IKEA will sport new model names.
"Our unusual product names are a big part of our identity," explained Ostergaard, "and we want to continue that tradition."
The changes are as follow:
Current Name IKEA Name
XC90 XC Hjälpmedel
XC60 XC Medelhög
S60 S Köttbullar
S80 S Fartyg
V70 Cross Country Vagn 70 Fyrhjulsdrift
NEW L.A. TREND: "CELEBRATION OF MILES" FOR DECEASED CARS
On a sunny, warm Los Angeles day, Merkle hosted a celebration of miles for his 2011 Ferrari 458 Italia, which, according to technicians, passed due to complications from a malformed crankshaft.
 |
| Serge Merkle pauses next to his deceased Ferrari |
Mohammed Wasco, 48, of Rancho Pico de Gallo, who recently lost his 2013 Porsche Boxster to a parking lot collision with a runaway Hyster forklift, said the celebration of miles was cathartic.
"It was wonderful. We relived so many memories, like the day we bought her...and lowering the top and motoring down a winding road on a beautiful spring afternoon. Even my mechanic and all his kids I put through college were there."
COSTCO TO SELL "FOUR-PACKS" OF VOLKSWAGEN JETTAS
 |
| Costco shopper Corky Palumbo grimaces after hearing about the Jetta four-pack promotion |
"We're sell in bulk, so I think this will be especially popular among Mormon families and small businesses who have an immediate need for a small fleet of vehicles," said Costco spokesperson Calliope Merkle.
SPELLING ERROR CAUSES GOP TO INADVERTENTLY DEFUND OBAMACAR
PRESIDENTIAL LIMO REPOSSESSED; CONGRESSMAN ADMITS, "WE LEFT OUT THE 'E'"
A seemingly simple typographical error by House Republicans has resulted in the repossession of President Obama's Cadillac limousine.
"We meant to defund Obamacare but we left off the "e" at the end," explained an embarrassed Senator Efrem Vert, who asked that the state he represents not be identified.
 |
| Senator Efrem Vert answers reporters' questions at a Capitol Hill news conference today |
The President is scheduled to arrive home late this evening from Germany, where he has been attending the G-7 meeting, which, taking a cue from Infiniti, will be renamed Q7. He will be picked up at Andrews Air Force Base by senior Uber driver Comoudin Pignataro.
SCION SALESPERSON TOPS LIST OF LONELIEST JOBS IN THE WORLD
WORSE THAN WORKING AT AN ANTARCTIC RESEARCH STATION, SAYS PSYCHOLOGIST
 |
| Scion salesman Hercules Doyle catches a few winks at his desk |
"Sometimes weeks will go by when I see no one but my co-workers," said a melancholy Hercules Doyle. No, he's not an astronaut assigned to the International Space Station, nor is he an Alaskan crab fisherman. For nearly a year now, Doyle has worked as a salesman at Silas Matusich Scion in downtown Fluvanna.
"It's a lonely existence," confirmed psychologist Dixie Hupper, who compiled the list of loneliest occupations with Scion occupying the top spot. "Our research shows that even cantankerous lighthouse keepers experience more human interaction than Scion sales people," she said.
"I think I sold an FR-S back in January, but it could have been February," said Doyle, who added that every once in a while someone will come in off the street to get a free cookie from the customer lounge.
GOOGLE SELF-DRIVING CAR CAUSES ACCIDENT, FLEES SCENE
POLICE ARREST CAR'S ON-BOARD PROCESSOR FOR RECKLESS DRIVING
 |
| Unidentified police officer struggles as he attempts to take combative processor into custody |
"The processor refused to exit the vehicle when directed to do so by the officers," said police sergeant Shitzu O'Callahan. "Officers had to force it out using crowbars and wire cutters, and it continued to resist after being removed from the vehicle." Police said the rest of the vehicle was not involved and was released without charges.
"We haven't identified the processor yet due to a 404 error on our end, so I can't comment at this time," said Google spokesperson Pitot Tuber.
OBSERVANT PARKSPLUG READER PHOTOGRAPHS MAGICIAN DAVID BLAINE SITTING IN TRAFFIC
 |
| Magician David Blaine's Porsche Cayenne is shown stopped in traffic on southbound Howitzer Rd |
SAE TO SIMPLIFY MOTOR OIL VISCOSITY NUMBERS
 |
| SAE Lubricants Artisan Victor Richter |
Fortunately, a new, less confusing labeling system devised by the Society of Automotive Eccentrics (SAE) is in the works. We spoke with SAE Lubricants Artisan Victor Richter in our garage office about the upcoming change.
PP: Welcome Victor. Thanks for coming.
VR: Do you have a bathroom I can use?
PP: No, but the raised planter beds are right outside.
(Richter is gone for 15 minutes and then returns)
PP: You were gone a long time.
VR: You know, those raised planter beds are hard to sit on. What are they, redwood?
PP: Uh, cedar, I think. First question: Is motor oil with a lower viscosity number thinner or thicker than oil with a higher number?
VR: Oh jeez. I should know that. Thicker, I think.
PP: Tell us about the new viscosity designations.
VR: Well, no one understands 10W-30. So we want to simplify it to Thicker W Thick.
PP: Wasn't he the President once?
VR: Who?
PP: Never mind. What's the "W" stand for?
VR: Oh man. I think it was "Walker", wasn't it?
PP: What?
VR: I have to go to the bathroom again.
PP: Use the bed with the radishes in it.
DOES ELECTRIC POWER STEERING CAUSE MAN BOOBS?
 |
| Dr. Octavio Stich |
"With a hydraulic system, there are pumps and pistons and brackets and stuff, so it takes a greater effort to steer the vehicle. But with electric power steering, there's, like, no force required because basically you're just moving electrons," explained Stich. "And no effort leads to more men with moobs," he said, using a term frequently used by college-age males and testosterone enthusiasts.
Once rare, electric power steering has proliferated throughout the automotive world because of its fuel economy benefits. Ironically, the only global manufacturer that continues to fit its vehicles with hydraulic steering is Tata.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)