ALLERGY EXPERT: BUYERS SHOULD AVOID JAGUAR'S CAT FUR UPHOLSTERY

Allergy experts say Jaguar's cat fur upholstery can cause
sneezing, wheezing, hoarseness and itchy intestines

The head of the nation's largest association of allergy doctors has released a memo urging Jaguar buyers to avoid vehicles equipped with the automaker's optional cat fur upholstery. "Well, I wouldn't call it a memo," countered Dr. Fundace Gesundheit, president of The Nation's Largest Association of Allergy Doctors.  "It's really more of a statement. Or maybe even a vigorous epistle," asserted the doctor.  Parksplug sat down with Gesundheit to find out more.

PP: So, you hate cats...

Dr. Fundance Gesundheit

Gesundheit: Oh God, yes. I always kick at them when they rub against my leg. Plus, their fur is filled with pollen, fleas, mold, dander and spiders.  

PP: Wasn't Dander a reindeer?

Gesundheit:  What?

PP: You're a doctor...do you mind if I ask you a few questions?  

Gesundheit: That's why I'm here.

PP: Right. First, what gender are you?  And secondly, why do you guys always tell me to show up 15 minutes before my appointment?

Gesundheit: Look, I'm here to talk about Jaguar cat fur seats.  

PP: Yes, sorry. Well, then, what about Alcantara fur? Doesn't that cause allergies, too?

Gesundheit: Alcantara isn't an animal and it's not a fur. It's ersatz fuzzy stuff made from dill weed and ethylene and then soaked in boiling vegetable water.  Plus, it's shaved before it leaves the factory, so it's hypoallergenic.

PP: I spray salt water in my nose every night before watching Swamp People.

Gesundheit: We're done here (gets up and leaves).  

STATE HIGHWAY SIGNS TO BE REWRITTEN IN HAIKU TO MAKE THEM MORE INTERESTING

BEFORE AND AFTER:  The unsightly Right Lane Ends, Merge Left sign 
above will be replaced by the more attractive and soothing Haiku version below,
says State Division of Highway Calligraphy Director Sphinx Gleason

ASTRONAUT TAKES BOTH SETS OF CAR KEYS INTO SPACE; WIFE PISSED

"FORTUNATELY, THE BUS SYSTEM WHERE WE LIVE IS PRETTY GOOD"

Soon-to-be-divorced astronaut Beeker Pugg

Astronaut Beeker Pugg, who is serving
aboard the International Space Station,
 holds up his and his wife's car keys 

Astronaut Beeker Pugg arrived last week at what will be his new home for the next year--the International Space Station.  Unfortunately, Pugg apparently forgot to check his pockets before leaving home and inadvertently took both sets of car keys into space with him.  

"My wife called and was like, 'Have you seen the keys to the car?'  She was foaming at the mouth she was so pissed," said Pugg.  "Fortunately, the bus stop is close by."  

Angry Astronaut's Wife
Chantix Pugg

"F***ing buttmunch space scum," barked Pugg's 34-year-old wife Chantix.  "What am I supposed to do, walk to work for the next year? I hope his f***ing space suit rips." 

 

NEW INSPIRATIONAL BOOK ABOUT CUSTOMIZING KIA'S HITS BOOKSHELVES

"Every once in a while you read a book that changes your life for the better.  This isn't it."
Unrenowned book reviewer Skindle Wooten

SMALL CAR OWNER HAS "HAD IT" WITH EXHAUST-SPEWING TRUCKS

Augie Firth, blackened from diesel exhaust
gnaws on his soot-covered thumb

Augie Firth's face and hands were smudged and his shirt was stained black.  "It's exhaust soot from a jacked-up diesel pickup that was idling in the lane next to me,"explained Firth, who drives a two-year-old Honda Fit.  "The (expletive) exhaust pipe was almost sticking through my passenger side window." 

Firth said when the truck accelerated from the light, it belched a huge cloud of black exhaust through his open window. "I couldn't even see my steering wheel." 

Firth added that the Tommy Hilfiger dress shirt he paid $60 for was ruined. "It was white when I put it on this morning. Now it's a (expletive) shop rag."  

"They're a menace to other motorists," Firth says, referring
to jacked-up trucks like the one above. 

In addition to astronomical dry cleaning bills, Firth says his wife will no longer hug him and "our couch is all stained and smells like a bus."

One solution, said Firth, is to require that exhaust pipes on higher vehicles exit to the rear instead of to the side.  "It's ridiculous.  Somebody should do something."  

LEVELOR ANNOUNCES PLAN TO PRODUCE VEHICLE GRILLE SHUTTERS

ONLY FOUR STYLES TO BE OFFERED INITIALLY, BUT SHUT THE **** UP, THERE ARE MORE COMING, SAYS COMPANY

BAMBOO
"Blamboo binds are a cost-efficient way to add texture and warmth to
the front of your vehicle," says Levelor spokesperson Buffee Arpaio.
We think she meant "bamboo blinds." 

BLACK SHUTTERS
"Perfect for accessorizing today's 'murdered out' vehicles," claims Arpaio.
Choose from your favorite materials: PET, HDPE, PVC, LDPE, LGBT,
POLYSTYRENE, PAULY  PERRETTE AND POLYCARBONATE

PLANTATION SHUTTERS
"Simple, yet at the same time overpriced," gushed Arpaio.

VERTICAL BLINDS
Sections can be raised independently to control airflow or to create
the popular gap-toothed look

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO OF CADILLAC'S STILLBORN 1980'S V-SERIES!

1984 SEVILLE GUCCI-V PROTOTYPE

Eleven years ago, Cadillac dropped the Corvette's V-8 into the four-door CTS to create the marque's first production V-series model. But even most Caddy fans aren't aware that the company actually built a prototype V-Series sedan all the way back in 1984. 

Prototype of the 1984 Seville Gucci-V

According to Amen Sildenafil, who works at Cinnabon in Nampa, Idaho but claims to know a lot about stuff like this, Cadillac's management was split into two camps over the 1984 
Seville V-Series.    

One camp, which had better tents and even a small collapsible cooking stove, proposed a new high-performance version of the bustle-back Seville, while the other camp insisted that Cadillac remain a maker of luxury automobiles boasting white wall tires and mushy tufted velour seats dotted with hemorrhoid-piercing buttons.  

A compromise resulted in the vehicle pictured above, the Seville Gucci-V sedan, however, the program was quickly canceled after participants at a secret design clinic complained of stomach cramps and blurry vision after viewing the prototype.  

BORDER AGENTS ARREST MAN ALLEGEDLY TRYING TO SMUGGLE WATER INTO CALIFORNIA

"WITH THIS DROUGHT, WE'RE GOING TO BE SEEING MORE AND MORE OF THIS." 

 Some guy whose name we forgot to get

A Fusty Springs man was arrested yesterday for allegedly trying to smuggle water into parched California. Agents guarding the Oregon-California border say they stopped a silver four-door sedan attempting to cross the border after a police Pygmy Mastiff water detection dog barked once and then fell over dead. "That's the alert signal," explained agent Caster Camber. "We tend to go through a lot of dogs," he added as he leaned back and threw a handful of chewable Hartz dog wormer tablets into his mouth.   

"That water would have been on the street within hours if we hadn't caught him," said Camber, who, for some reason, prefers to wear a coffee filter on his head instead of a hat.  The unidentified suspect was arrested on smuggling charges and the water was booked as evidence.  

Border agent attempts to catch a fish--thought to 
be a Hose-Nosed Gooper--swimming in 
water smuggled in trunk of car

HAIR SOLUTIONS COMPANY INTRODUCES THE COUPÉ TOUPEE®

A company that bills itself as "the second-best hair restoration expert in the central time zone®" wowed the New York Auto Show crowd today with its new permanent hair solution for vehicles. "For more than 30 years, we've been providing hair solutions for our customers, regardless of whether they're just a little thin on top or hairless as a snare drum," said bouncy HairWear® spokesperson Posey Tiddle®.  "Now we have hair solutions for their vehicles as well," she chirped.  

"My wife loves our car's new look as much as my own!"  Customer Mork Twangly

HairWear® calls their product the Coupé Toupee®, which Tiddle® described as "a proprietary, advanced, space-age, high-tech, long-lasting, state-of-the-art, non-habit forming gluten-free vehicle hair solution®." 

The Coupé Toupee® looks completely natural and can be combed, colored or trimmed around a sunroof, says Tiddle®.  "And, just like our hair replacement solutions for men, it's completely car wash-safe."  She added that the company plans to unveil a new line of B, C and D pillar sideburns next month.   

INVENTOR SHOWS OFF HIS INNOVATIVE VASELINE ENGINE

"IT'S THE MOST EXCITING BREAKTHROUGH WE'VE SEEN SINCE, HMMMM...LET ME THINK...GEEZ, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S BEEN QUITE A WHILE. "  

Wiley Van Hooydonk, Head of Articulation of the Engine Engineers' League (EEL)

Barada Nikto pumps Vaseline into his
experimental inline four-cylinder engine

Barada Nikto is a on a mission.  No, not the type that would require that he dress in a suit and tie and ride a 10-speed bicycle around an unfamiliar area of the country with some other guy knocking on neighborhood doors. The idiosyncratic mechanic and self-described automotive tinkerer's mission is to unveil the world's first Vaseline-powered engine.

"Vaseline is 100% petroleum jelly," Nikto explained as his left eye blinked uncontrollably.  "By injecting it into the engine under high pressure, it burns five times cleaner than bacon grease, is knock-resistant, and also prevents chapping of the cylinder walls at the same time."

Nikto said Vaseline is the most promising of the fuels he's experimented with, which included garlic infused olive oil, liquified fireplace logs and Robitussin Nighttime Cough DM.  "The exhaust also moisturizes the asphalt on the roadway," he claimed.