ALLERGY EXPERT: BUYERS SHOULD AVOID JAGUAR'S CAT FUR UPHOLSTERY

Allergy experts say Jaguar's cat fur upholstery can cause
sneezing, wheezing, hoarseness and itchy intestines

The head of the nation's largest association of allergy doctors has released a memo urging Jaguar buyers to avoid vehicles equipped with the automaker's optional cat fur upholstery. "Well, I wouldn't call it a memo," countered Dr. Fundace Gesundheit, president of The Nation's Largest Association of Allergy Doctors.  "It's really more of a statement. Or maybe even a vigorous epistle," asserted the doctor.  Parksplug sat down with Gesundheit to find out more.

PP: So, you hate cats...

Dr. Fundance Gesundheit

Gesundheit: Oh God, yes. I always kick at them when they rub against my leg. Plus, their fur is filled with pollen, fleas, mold, dander and spiders.  

PP: Wasn't Dander a reindeer?

Gesundheit:  What?

PP: You're a doctor...do you mind if I ask you a few questions?  

Gesundheit: That's why I'm here.

PP: Right. First, what gender are you?  And secondly, why do you guys always tell me to show up 15 minutes before my appointment?

Gesundheit: Look, I'm here to talk about Jaguar cat fur seats.  

PP: Yes, sorry. Well, then, what about Alcantara fur? Doesn't that cause allergies, too?

Gesundheit: Alcantara isn't an animal and it's not a fur. It's ersatz fuzzy stuff made from dill weed and ethylene and then soaked in boiling vegetable water.  Plus, it's shaved before it leaves the factory, so it's hypoallergenic.

PP: I spray salt water in my nose every night before watching Swamp People.

Gesundheit: We're done here (gets up and leaves).