A set of automobile floor mats can cost more than $200. To many people, that price seems exorbitant for a product consisting of four small plastic squares or rectangles. So Parksplug asked Pat Fisselouver of Pat and Pat's Mats, a top online supplier of vehicle floor mats, why the price is so high.
PP: Mat, why are mats so expensive?
Pat:: My name is Pat, not Mat.
PP: Sorry. Your company is called Pat and Pat's Mats. Which Pat are you?
Pat: The other one.
PP: Pat, why are Pat and Pat's Mats so expensive?
Pat: Pat and Pat's Mats mats are not just mats. We like to call them automotive flooring protection systems.
PP: Do you actually call them that?
Pat:: No.
PP: Isn't $200 for a set of floor mats a bit steep?
Pat: There's a lot of costly skill and technology involved in making Pat and Pat's Mats. For example, all our mats have sculpted channels to trap water, dirt and small animals. We have a gifted Italian sculptor named Aldo Abatesciannidebene who carves each channel by hand. We wooed him away from the soap industry, where he carved the words "Irish Spring" into millions of bars of soap.
PP: How are Pat and Pat's Mats made?
Pat:: Ah, I love to talk about our manufacturing process. I think you'll find this very interesting.
PP: Great. Go ahead.
Pat:: I can't. It's a trade secret.
PP: Darn.
Pat: But I can tell you that we use a lot of resins. Expensive, gooey resins. And molds and other stuff, too.
PP: And that justifies the high price?
Pat:: Did I tell you Aldo is leaving to return to Irish Spring?
PP: No, you didn't mention that.
Pat: Do you sculpt?
CALIFORNIA SEEKING VOLUNTEER DRIVERS TO TRANSPORT SALMON DUE TO DROUGHT
 |
| Salmon fingerling gets ride in Andalusia Dank's car |
"We have about 30-million fish to move, so we're looking for maybe ten million volunteer drivers," said state fisheries spokesman Garth Spleerman. "And if each volunteer transported four or five fish we'd only need six million drivers."
 |
| Andalusia Dank laughs as salmon fingerling spins in circles inside bowl |
Dank quickly swirled the water in the bowl with her finger, and watched with joy as the resulting whirlpool enveloped the spinning two-inch-long fish. "Wheeee!" shouted the ebulient Dank.
Those interested in becoming a volunteer fish driver should contact the State of California Department of Fisheries. Ask for Augie.
TESLA ANNOUNCES PLAN TO SELL CARS AT NEIGHBORHOOD GARAGE SALES
 |
| Tesla Model S on display at Twyla Blark's garage sale |
At a press conference yesterday, the electric car manufacturer announced it will begin selling its $70,000 Model S at neighborhood garage sales.
"We think buyers will love the convenience of being able to buy a new Model S and some used bedsheets at the same time," said beaming Tesla spokesman Rob "Bob" Beekerman.
Not surprisingly, the country's largest dealership association denounced the plan. "It's un-American and bad for consumers. Who's going to sell them undercoating and an extended warranty?" barked NAACTBRRVFDOA spokesman Ferman Dwales. But Twyla Blark, whose garage sale was the first to offer a Model S for sale, disagreed. "It was great. Lots of people stopped to look at it, and I ended up selling everything, including my ex-husband's prosthetic nose."
MAN WHO TEASED NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS WITH ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC FOUND BLUDGEONED
 |
| Orgus Quibb |
Police spokesperson Cookie DeStephanipples said the man was identified as 37-year old Orgus Quibb, who lives nearby. "He got beat up pretty good, but he'll be okay," said DeStephanipples. "We found a bent wiffle bat nearby," she added.
Neighbors felt little pity for Quibb. "He got a kick out of playing the same song the ice cream man plays, and he laughed when all the kids ran outside with their ice cream money only to discover the music was coming from his old pickup instead of the ice cream truck," said 80-year-old resident Rustolea Fitch. "He got what he deserved."
Police have no suspects and a copyright violation is pending against Quibb for unauthorized use of "Turkey in the Straw."
DODGE: NÜRBURGRING "RACETRACK" TAILLIGHTS NOT A BRIGHT IDEA
 |
| Dodge Charger "racetrack" taillight design |
To keep things fresh, Dodge planned to update the taillights every few years with a design that matched a real road racing course, beginning with Germany's famed Nürburgring.
But the company has since scrapped the plan. "The Nürburgring taillights looked like an upside-down map of West Virginia," admitted Dodge Chief of Design Ahmed Mantovani. "The only worse race course was Road America in Wisconsin; it appeared to be something from a poster in a urologist's office," said Mantovani.
 |
| Failed "Nürburgring" design |
TOYOTA BUILDS, THEN MISPLACES, THE ONE-BILLIONTH CAMRY
 |
| A tired and frustrated Boyd Mizuno (foreground) searches for silver "one-billionth" Toyota Camry |
"We know it's silver, but we made 20,000 silver ones that day and we don't know which one it is," said Toyota manufacturing plant manager Genichi "Boyd" Mizuno, pointing to a paved lot containing thousands of similar-looking new vehicles.
Teams have been searching the area for three days without success. "We've probably walked by it about nine times already," said a frustrated employee, shaking his head.
SIX THINGS THE CHEVROLET CRUZE AND THE UNDER ARMOUR PERFORMANCE JOCKSTRAP HAVE IN COMMON
 |
| Chevrolet Cruze |
2. Neither comes equipped with a cup, although both have cup holders
3. Both provide excellent support for two front occupants
4. Both handle well and feature plenty of headroom
 |
| Under Armour Jockstrap |
5. Both are washable, although jockstrap components could snag on whirling car wash brushes
6. Stick shift: Both accommodate one stick that can be shifted. Carefully.
NEW FORD CELEBRITY AIR BAG IGNITES CONTROVERSY
 |
| Controversial Rob Ford air bag shown inflating from vehicle steering wheel after rear-end collision |
Customers can choose from supplemental restraints bearing the likenesses of Harrison Ford, Gerald Ford, Betty Ford, and even legendary New York Yankees pitcher Whitey Ford.
But controversy arose when former Toronto mayor Rob Ford was added to the list. "Some poor driver gets in a crash, and to make matters worse, Rob Ford blows out of the steering wheel? That's outrageous," claimed agitated drug and alcohol counselor Ingot Cheesewell.
When asked for a response, Ford Motor Company spokesman Howie DeRumpis commented, "I knew we should have gone with Tennessee Ernie Ford."
CAUGHT ON CAMERA! THE AUSTIN-GEELY BUG-EYED SPRITE!
 |
| 2016 Austin-Geely 蟲-Eyed Sprite photographed during testing |
UPDATED SPRITE TO BE FIRST PRODUCT OF NEW BRITISH-CHINESE JOINT VENTURE, SAY INSIDERS
The small roadster, to be called the
蟲-Eyed Sprite in China, is the first of several planned vehicles from the new British-Chinese company Austin-Geely.
"They haven't announced whether they'll build it in England or in China, or somewhere halfway between, like Muynak, Uzbekistan," said auto industry analyst Bubbles McTeague. "I'd put my money on Muynak, because there's plenty of land available for a factory, plus many opportunities for recreational boating."
McTeague added that, based on what she's heard, the new Sprite will feature all the fun and unreliability of the first one.
EIGHT THINGS THE MASERATI GHIBLI AND COCO 9500R BIDET HAVE IN COMMON
Heated seating: The Maserati Ghibli seats four while the Coco 9500R bidet only accommodates one (which most people feel is appropriate anyway).
Manual shifting: The Maserati’s automated manual gearbox features steering-wheel mounted shift paddles. The Coco has no paddles, and shifting while sitting on it just makes the seat creak.
Ventilation Fans: The Ghibli’s airflow can be directed at the windshield, face or feet, while the bidet’s fan blows...um...from underneath. As with real estate, it’s all about location, location, location.
Plumbing: Admittedly, the 250-degree liquid coursing through the Ghibli’s piping is much hotter than that dispensed by the Coco. Remember, the goal when using a bidet is cleanliness, not pasteurization.
Dual Exhaust: The Ghibli’s twin satin-finished pipes poke out from under each side of the rear bumper. Very sporty. The Coco’s dual nozzles aren’t chromed, nor do they look especially sporty, but they do oscillate as they squirt.
Passionate Owners: Maserati owners shun other exotic cars. Likewise, Coco
Sporty Names: Ghibli is named after a hot North African wind while Coco sounds like your neighbor’s dachshund’s name. But 9500R evokes adventure; just like Elantra GT does.
High Price: The 2014 Maserati Ghibli starts at just over $65,000. The 9500R can be had for $369; expensive for a toilet seat, but you won't have to license and insure it.
THE LAST WORD:
You’d look totally cool sitting behind the wheel of the Maserati; sitting on the Coco 9500R, perhaps not so much.
BIG WIN FOR U.S. POSTAL SERVICE IN BAJA 500
It was celebration time yesterday for the half-million employees of the U.S. Postal Service after the federal agency took the checkered flag in the challenging Baja 500 off-road race. A race-prepared USPS Grumman LLV truck beat back entries from competitors UPS, FedEx and DHL to win the coveted trophy in the light to medium-duty package delivery vehicle class.
Winning race driver Jon (pronounced "John") Feetersley told Parksplug that modifications to the winning truck were few. "We bored the motor out from 2.2 liters to 2.3, and put a new set of Hankooks on it, and that was about it," said Feeters.
Baja race committee president Buck Riviera said the trophy will be FedEx'd to the Postal Service tomorrow.
ONE-THIRD OF AMERICAN DRIVERS CAN HONK THEIR HORN WITH THEIR STOMACH
 |
| 39-year old Clover McPugh proudly demonstrates how she can honk her horn without using her hands |
"In fact," stated Fooser, "drivers often honk by accident because their stomach is so close to the wheel."
She said such inadvertent belly honking has led to serious road rage incidents. "I strongly advise people to avoid areas with lots of fat drivers and guns," said Fooser.
SPY PHOTO: IS THIS THE NEW SILVERADO FAMILY TRUCKSTER?
Rumors that Chevrolet would add a Family Truckster package to its Silverado lineup have been swirling about the blogosphere for some time. But a photograph taken by legendary automotive spy photographer Akrod Peeler indicates the well-lit truck will become a reality.
The image shows the Silverado with the full Family Truckster package, including additional front lighting and side wood appliques. A deceased elderly woman strapped to the roof was not depicted.
Chevrolet design manager Stuey Gazoonta, when asked for comment, told Parksplug he now works for Fiat but will be leaving next week to take a position with Donfeng Motor Group.
 |
| The Silverado Family Truckster: Coming soon? |
Chevrolet design manager Stuey Gazoonta, when asked for comment, told Parksplug he now works for Fiat but will be leaving next week to take a position with Donfeng Motor Group.
PARKSPLUG READER PROFILE
Editor's note: Each week--or at least every once in a while--we'll profile one of our readers. Right now, we only have one reader, so for the foreseeable future, we'll be profiling him over and over.
Cwaig Gwant says the first thing people want to know upon meeting him is, how did he get his unusual name? "When my mother was a kid, she was trying to lick cake icing off a whirling electric beater. The doctor managed to unfurl her tongue, but after that, when she talked, her R's were all messed up," said Gwant solemnly.
Cwaig considers himself a "car guy," and is in the process of building a tribute 1998 Oldsmobile Alero Pace Car out of parts he's found alongside the interstate.
"So far, I have some door trim, a motor mount and a wiper motor," he said, pointing to some greasy parts sitting near a blackened wall in the garage. "My friend Buckley and I were spraying each other with brake cleaner and I guess we were too close to the water heater," he explained, pointing to the wall.
What does Cwaig enjoy most about Parksplug? "I don't know," he replied.
 |
| Parksplug reader and Olds Alero Fan Cwaig Gwant |
Cwaig considers himself a "car guy," and is in the process of building a tribute 1998 Oldsmobile Alero Pace Car out of parts he's found alongside the interstate.
"So far, I have some door trim, a motor mount and a wiper motor," he said, pointing to some greasy parts sitting near a blackened wall in the garage. "My friend Buckley and I were spraying each other with brake cleaner and I guess we were too close to the water heater," he explained, pointing to the wall.
What does Cwaig enjoy most about Parksplug? "I don't know," he replied.
AVIATION NEWS
IN COST CUTTING MOVE, GOVERNMENT TO TURN OVER AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TO BIRD WATCHERS
The Federal Aviation Administration today announced it will turn over all U.S. air traffic control duties to bird watching clubs beginning next fall.
"I think it'll work out great," said Congressman Cubby Wunch, who authored the legislation. "It'll save taxpayers millions of dollars, and besides, bird watchers are already used to standing for long periods of time looking through binoculars."
Wunch also announced that he plans to resign from Congress next month in order to spend more time with someone else's family. "My family is okay," he explained. "But I really like my neighbor's wife and kids more."
"I think it'll work out great," said Congressman Cubby Wunch, who authored the legislation. "It'll save taxpayers millions of dollars, and besides, bird watchers are already used to standing for long periods of time looking through binoculars."
 |
| Rep. Cubby Wunch |
SEARS ADMITS AUTOMOTIVE TOOL REALLY DOESN'T DO ANYTHING
 |
| Craftsman Auto-Buddy |
Sears spokesperson Wendeeee Calpido said the company will stop selling the Auto-Buddy immediately.
"Unfortunately, that means that customers who have already purchased the tool will probably have problems finding parts for it down the road," warned Calpido.
AVIATION NEWS: TSA BLOWS UP SUSPICIOUS PASSENGER
"The male subject was very nervous, had no identification or luggage, and refused to take off his shoes," said TSA spokesman Pablo Watanabe.
"We dealt with the situation the same way we handle a suspicious package," Watanabe explained. "First, we had a dog smell him. Then, we squirted him with a water cannon, but he was still acting suspiciously, so we had no choice but to blow him up."
Officials say no one else was injured and the suspect was moved to a remote location at the airport before being detonated. No flight delays resulted from the incident, although most of the airlines were late anyway.
CITY TO INSTALL AIRBAGS IN LAMPPOSTS TO PROTECT TEXTING PEDESTRIANS
"This is a real problem. Half our young people are walking around with chipped front teeth and squashed noses," said city councilman Cletus Wongwood.
Testifying before the council was 22-year-old Reisling Custinudder, whose face was bruised and bandaged after she walked into a post while texting.
Because of her large bandages, her testimony was largely unintelligible, but it sounded something like, "Brruee magoff prppertinfner welgen seefer." The entire council nodded in agreement and then unanimously approved the expenditure.
MERCEDES-BENZ MASSAGING SEATS CHARGED WITH LEWD CONDUCT
 |
| Distraught S-Class owner Fuchsia Buttonwillow claims she was victimized by massaging seat |
Prosecutors allege that the car's seats are providing much more than just a simple--and legal--massage.
"We've received dozens of calls from embarrassed well-to-do people who claimed they were violated by their car seats," explained District Attorney Blanche Funderberg. "We sent a police officer undercover wearing a Savile Row suit and he was also rubbed inappropriately. In his report he stated that the seat refused to stop--it just continued touching him with mesmerizing little swirling motions even after he turned off the switch. These abusive seats must learn that 'no' means 'no'," Funderberg said sternly.
Mercedes-Benz released a short statement saying the seats are designed to provide a therapeutic massage and nothing more. "We are cooperating with authorities and will take whatever measures are necessary to remedy this situation, including providing counseling for these traumatized owners," said spokesperson Reinhart Einfahrt.
S-Class sales have increased over 1,000-percent since the charges were announced.
FORMER TONIGHT SHOW HOST LENO ABANDONS HUNDREDS OF CARS IN NBC LOT
The parking lot at NBC's Burbank Studios is stuffed with cars. But they all belong to one person--former Tonight Show host Jay Leno. And NBC would like him to come and pick them up. "He just left them. And, of course, there aren't any Cobras or Ferrari's--it's all just junk," complained Darwood Sickles, the NBC executive in charge of the Burbank studios.
According to registration records, Leno owns approximately 51-million vehicles, or about 20% of all cars, trucks and SUVs in the US. That's more vehicles than the fleets of Hertz, FedEx, UPS, and the U.S. Postal Service combined.
Sickles said Leno would frequently drive one vehicle to work and leave it there, never to use it again.
"He left about 50 old Buick Riattas, a Mitsubishi Starion with no engine or interior, and, for some reason, about 200 beat-up Olds Achievas," Sickles said while walking through the lot. "We're taking an inventory now and getting ready to call in the tow trucks. It pisses me off."
According to Sickles, the only vehicle abandoned by Leno that might be of any value is the world's only steam-powered Volvo PV544. "We might get a grand for it if we can find some museum that wants a steam-engined Volvo."
 |
| Employees inventory vehicles abandoned by comedian Jay Leno after he left the Tonight Show |
Sickles said Leno would frequently drive one vehicle to work and leave it there, never to use it again.
"He left about 50 old Buick Riattas, a Mitsubishi Starion with no engine or interior, and, for some reason, about 200 beat-up Olds Achievas," Sickles said while walking through the lot. "We're taking an inventory now and getting ready to call in the tow trucks. It pisses me off."
According to Sickles, the only vehicle abandoned by Leno that might be of any value is the world's only steam-powered Volvo PV544. "We might get a grand for it if we can find some museum that wants a steam-engined Volvo."
NEW FUEL NOZZLE PROMISES RELIEF FOR "LEFTIES"
Mention "Lefties" and "Righties" and someone will assume you're ranting about politics. But not this time. We're referring to which side your vehicle's gas filler door is on, and in this case, there are a whole lot more lefties than righties.
"It's not fair. I always have to wait in a much longer line than those people," complained motorist Candelabra Fopp. "Righties cruise right up to the pump. I usually get stuck behind at least two or three cars," she added as as she gassed up her Daihatsu Charade. "It's not fair."
"It's not fair. I always have to wait in a much longer line than those people," complained motorist Candelabra Fopp. "Righties cruise right up to the pump. I usually get stuck behind at least two or three cars," she added as as she gassed up her Daihatsu Charade. "It's not fair."
But relief may be in sight for Fopp and other exasperated "lefties." A new extended fuel nozzle called the AmbiGas, which allows motorists to refuel from either side is in the final stages of testing and could show up at a gas station near you by late summer.
"It's pretty neat," said Cord Goots, spokesman for AmbiGas, LLC. "You can stand on one side of the car while refueling on the other side. Heck, you could probably even have a smoke while you're pumping gas, although we don't recommend it," said Goots, smiling.
"It's pretty neat," said Cord Goots, spokesman for AmbiGas, LLC. "You can stand on one side of the car while refueling on the other side. Heck, you could probably even have a smoke while you're pumping gas, although we don't recommend it," said Goots, smiling.
 |
| The AmbiGas nozzle allows motorists to fill up from either side of their vehicle |
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)