MERCEDES-BENZ MASSAGING SEATS CHARGED WITH LEWD CONDUCT

Distraught S-Class owner Fuchsia Buttonwillow
claims she was victimized by massaging seat

Following a three month long investigation, misdemeanor lewd conduct charges have been filed against the "hot stone" massaging seats in the Mercedes-Benz S-Class.  

Prosecutors allege that the car's seats are providing much more than just a simple--and legal--massage.  

"We've received dozens of calls from embarrassed well-to-do people who claimed they were violated by their car seats," explained District Attorney Blanche Funderberg.  "We sent a police officer undercover wearing a Savile Row suit and he was also rubbed inappropriately.  In his report he stated that the seat refused to stop--it just continued touching him with mesmerizing little swirling motions even after he turned off the switch.  These abusive seats must learn that 'no' means 'no'," Funderberg said sternly.

Mercedes-Benz released a short statement saying the seats are designed to provide a therapeutic massage and nothing more.  "We are cooperating with authorities and will take whatever measures are necessary to remedy this situation, including providing counseling for these traumatized owners," said spokesperson Reinhart Einfahrt.  

S-Class sales have increased over 1,000-percent since the charges were announced.