C-CLASS CLASS C AMG: FIRST PHOTO!

Mercedes C-Class Class C AMG

MERCEDES-BENZ ENTERS RV MARKET WITH HOT ROD MOTORHOME:  C-CLASS CLASS C  AMG

"We would have released it sooner but we couldn't decide whether to call it the C-Class Class C AMG or the Class C 

C-Class AMG.  I'm still confused."  

Mercedes-Benz VP of Marketing Knut "K-Nut" Kaspar

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

"We all have Hoverounds, and
we love them!"
The Beach Boys 

"Round, Round, Get Around, I Hoveround"

Beach Boys record commercial jingle for Hoveround mobility scooter

INVESTIGATORS BLAME  "VEGAN INSURGENTS" 

 FOR WEINERMOBILE  TORCHING

"It's very sad.  But it sure smelled good. Let's go eat."
Arson investigator Cooter Cranz

HondaJet in final testing stages

HONDA'S SAYS ITS NEW BUSINESS JET  IS ALMOST READY FOR TAKEOFF       

APPLE'S CHEAPER iPHONE ALTERNATIVE FOR YOUR CAR

Apple iHad 

Apple iPhones, iPods and Ipads are finding their way into more and more new vehicles, but has Apple forgotten about those of us who barely survived the recession and can't afford their high-priced products? 

No.  The Cupertino-based company's new iHad--a clever device that makes it easy for anyone to list all the things they once owned before the recession--has just hit the market, and it's a superb low-cost alternative for your vehicle's dashboard.

The iHad features an 8.5" X 11" ruled writing surface made of a patented high-tech cellulose pulp material compatible with any ink pen.  The beautiful piano-black frame features a non-functional Home button and a revolutionary no-licking-required suction cup to attach the device to your car's dashboard.  

"The iHad is certainly right for the times," said tech blogger Luna Moon Spumacher, who added, "and at just $99.99, I think they'll sell millions of them."

While some complain that the iHad doesn't come with a web browser, camera, retina display, pixels, chips, or Wi-Fi, Apple counters that those features are available on their other products.  "I love my iHad.  It took me just a few minutes to list all the stuff I don't have and can't afford anymore," gushed unemployed eyebrow threader Cinnamon Poskey.  

DISAPPEARANCE OF CHECKER MARATHON LEADS TO NEAR EXTINCTION FOR CHECKER-PECKING BIRD

NEW SANCTUARY AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE  THREATENED CHECKERPECKER 

A Checkerpecker sits atop an old Checker fender at
the Save the Checkerpecker sanctuary in Yogi Schortz's backyard

The Checker Marathon, a vehicle most often recognized in taxicab guise, disappeared in 1982, and now scientists are warning that the Checkerpecker, a bird that relied on the car for its habitat, is in danger of extinction.

"The Checkerpecker is probably attracted to the car's yellow paint, and it pecked on the hood, fenders and trunk in an attempt to lure a mate," explained Yogi Schortz, a professor of ornithology at Larry and Bud's Barber College.  "Now that the Checkers are gone, we're seeing the birds disappear, too."

Schortz, who serves as president and sole member of the Save the Checkerpeckers club, recently opened a sanctuary for the noisy birds in his backyard.  "So far, we have one Checker fender and one Checkerpecker, but we're hoping to get more," he said.

CARFAX EXPANDS BACKGROUND CHECKS TO PEOPLE

Carfax, the company that provides vehicle history reports on used cars, has expanded their background check service to include people, a program they call CharFax (Char is short for "character").  "Say for example, you meet someone and you're thinking about starting a relationship with this person.  Getting a CharFax report first can help you avoid costly hidden problems down the road," explained company spokesman Pee Wee Livsickle.

Is he really "The one?"  Check him out
with a CharFax report

The report, which the company says will cost about $20, includes information such as true date of birth and marital status, the number of previous relationships and any emotional or structural damage.  Finally, the report classifies the person into one of four categories:  Good, Rebuilt, Salvage or Lemon.

A smartphone app is available that provides instant reports, said Livsickle, and stand-alone ATM-like CharFax machines can be found inside many bars.  "As our slogan says, 'Peace of mind before piece of..." he said, his voice trailing off.

COURTS: PEOPLE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER ALLOWED TO DRIVE IN CARPOOL LANE

Bundy Falk claims to have four alter egos (clockwise from
upper left):  Althea, Shevelle, Iris and Archibald

Thanks to a recent court ruling, Bundy Falk can shred the dozens of carpool violation citations filling his desk drawer.   On Tuesday, Superior Court judge Wrigley Shoe ruled that drivers afflicted with multiple personality disorder can legally drive in freeway carpool lanes.

The law requires that vehicles in the carpool lane carry at least two passengers in addition to the driver.  "I have a pickup with no back seat, so I can only take two of them at a time anyway," he explained, adding, "All five of us are ecstatic," said Falk.  "Archie was so excited he wet our pants."

DOES NEW CAR SMELL CONTRIBUTE TO GLOBAL WARMING?

For many of us, the "new car" smell--along with the 84 monthly payments--is one of the pleasures of purchasing a shiny new vehicle.  But now a group of non-leading scientists claims the new car aroma is a major or perhaps even lieutenant colonel contributor to global warming.  Parksplug asked Dr. Denzil Borglum, an adjunct professor from the Fanoka Institute of Non-Sexual Tactile Communications and Environmental Studies for details.


DrB:  Is there a chair for me to sit in?

PP:  No, but feel free to lean against the back wall.  So, what's all this new car smell hubbub about?

DrB:  Our research indicates it's a contributor to global warming.

PP:  You'll have to speak up, you're way in the back of the room.

DrB:  I said we've concluded the new car smell is warming the planet.

PP: Which planet?

DrB:  It's melting the icecaps and putting polar bears out of work.

PP:  What can be done?

DrB:   We recommend buying the optional fabric sealant when you purchase a new vehicle.  It locks the smell into the upholstery so it can't escape into the atmosphere.  Plus, if you spill coffee on the seat, it's easy to clean up with a napkin or rag.  Oh, and the paint sealant is an excellent way to protect your investment for years to come.

PP:  You don't happen to sell cars on the side, do you?

DrB:  I'm sorry...what?  I'm way in the back of the room.

DOZENS FLOCK TO "PARKING LOT FIND" CLASSIC CAR AUCTION

Discovering a "barn find" vehicle is every auto enthusiast's dream.   But, there are significantly more parking lots than old barns, and  Hazy Butte-based Fagalde Auctions has become the leading seller of "Parking Lot Finds."  Here are some of the vehicles that were on the auction block last Saturday:

Rare Police Package Nissan Altima Coupe
Sold for $5,002
Black over black over black over black over black.  Said to have 141,000 original miles, plus approximately 17,000 hours of idling time.

Details:  Police package two-door Altimas are much more difficult to find than Ford Crown Victorias or Chevrolet Impalas.  Most police agencies prefer four-door vehicles so suspects don't have to be shoehorned into the back seat horizontally through the side window.  Minor urine stains on rubber floor mats, otherwise in good condition.  New owner can enjoy impersonating Japanese government agent.

 1996 Dodge Caravan 
God Bless America Edition
Sold for $1,000
Red over white over blue over red, white, and blue vinyl interior.  Only 57 God Bless America edition Caravans were built in the 1996 model year and this is one of only 55 remaining.  Paint is faded and tends to blow off while vehicle is being driven.  2.4 liter four-cylinder engine runs but makes intermittent sound like a chicken sneezing.  Likeness of either Ted Nugent or Kevin Bacon embossed in front headrests.  Well bought, the value of this Caravan will only increase.

2000 FORD E-450 Shuttle Bus
Sold for $3,500
White over yellowish spray-over paint blobs over blue interior.  Original owner said to have run an unlicensed mobile crematorium business out of vehicle.  Some scorch marks on floor and ceiling.
Auction company parked vehicle behind hedge so prospective buyers wouldn't notice wheels and tires were missing.  V-10 engine looks nice with polished dual-snorkel air cleaner.  Oil dipstick is longer than the vehicle.

IS GM'S MAGNETIC RIDE CONTROL SUSPENSION TOO MAGNETIC?

MagneRide, or magneto-rheological shock absorbers, have led to significant improvements in ride and handling for vehicles ranging from Cadillacs to Ferraris.  But could the suspension be too magnetic?  That's what some motorists are asking after metal objects of all types and sizes became affixed to their MagneRide-equipped vehicles.

"I dragged a Weber gas barbecue from Tucson to Kerosene Hat, Wyoming last week," said frustrated Camaro ZL1 owner Futz Hambling.  "I don't even know who the damned thing belonged to or where I picked it up."

Cadillac owner Enos Winchester returns home from a short trip.  "Everytime I go for a drive, I end up
having to pry forks, gas cans and lawn mowers off my car," he complained.  
 

General Motors spokesperson Tapioca Wardle said the company is aware of the problem, which they say was caused either by solar flares or Chinese hackers.  "We have a software update coming," said Wardle.

BEVERLY HILLBILLIES FINALLY GET A NEW TRUCK

 Clampetts trade in rusty 1920's truck for new custom-built Ford F-550 flatbed 

 "We're happier than itchy pigs rubbing against a mud fence," said

front seat passenger Jed Clampett

PORSCHE AND JOHN DEERE JOIN FORCES TO PRODUCE HIGH-PERFORMANCE LAWN TRACTOR

They might seem like strange bedfellows, but there's no arguing with the results of Porsche and John Deere's collaboration that resulted in the X911, a high performance garden tractor that was unveiled at this week's big auto show at the Che W. Bushrod Pavilion in Lake Rathbun.   

The X911 TurMow features a 28-horsepower turbocharged water-cooled flat two and
PDK twin-pedal (forward and reverse) transmission.

Porsche/Deere plans to offer two X911 models, the $4,295 naturally aspirated base model and the $7,295 turbocharged TurMow, which the companies claim is the quickest production yellow and green garden tractor in the world, with the ability to zoom from 0 to 6 in 16.8 seconds, and a top speed of 9.  "You can't even see its cutting blades spinning, they go so fast," company spokesman Jürgen Umlaut said while demonstrating by spinning his index finger quickly in circles.  

Umlaut, dressed in crisp, tailored Ben Danke coveralls,  claimed a bagging system is not necessary as even the base model X911 "has enough power to simply blow grass clippings over the fence into your neighbor's yard."  

As with all Porsche products, the price climbs quickly as options are added.  The X911 TurMow displayed at the show featured the $1,850 Sport ChronMow Package, which includes Seat Active Suspension Management (SASM), which continually adjusts the angle and damping of the driver's seat based on lawn conditions, uni-xenon headlights and carbon fiber sun hat.  

VW BUS LOSES RACE TO MOVING SIDEWALK

After the race, Tongas Leeper laughs it up while loser Squeezer Snopf, in
driver's seat, cries uncontrollably

At first, 79-year-old Tongas Leeper seemed nervous.  But one minute later it was all over and he triumphantly held his plastic trophy high.

Leeper, standing motionless on a Fexler Industries F-470 moving sidewalk, reached the race's finish line long before the old bus.  "They had already presented me with my trophy by the time the VW crossed the finish line," Leeper said proudly.

In the driver's seat of the 1973 Volkswagen Type 2 Bus, which is a long-term Parksplug test vehicle, was junior editor Dewey "Squeezer" Snopf, who buried his face in his hands and cried his eyes out.  At press time, Parksplug officials had not decided whether to terminate Snopf's employment or install a turbocharger on the bus's engine.

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

Ford F-350 "Triply""Why have only
four rear wheels when you
can have six?"
Ford Chargé d'affaires for Trucks With
Six or More Wheels Barium Figg

OFFICIALS DEMAND THAT MOTORISTS QUIT USING AEDs TO JUMPSTART DEAD BATTERIES 

SPIED!  FORD F-350 ONE-TON TRIPLY CAUGHT ON CAMERA DURING SOMEWHAT NICE WEATHER TESTING

AIRBAG DEPLOYMENT DURING CRASH LEADS TO ACCIDENTAL SEX CHANGE

"I felt really bad for him.  Or her.  The victim, I mean."
Police Officer Corky Pundleman

SEGWAY LIMO TO BE DROPPED DUE TO POOR SALES

Segway Limo:  "We sold a half-dozen in Portland,
but that was about it."
Apollo Phunt,  White Collar Segway Employee 

NEW NISSAN ARGUMA IS JUST THE CAR FOR FEUDING COUPLES

No argument about it, Nissan will have a winner on its hands with its new Arguma.  "We routinely have couples come into our dealerships who argue about which car to buy and how much to spend," said Nissan spokesperson Daisuke Von Adlersflügel.  "And then they argue about everything else--their kids,  their in-laws, dealer undercoating, it just goes on and on.  We saw a market there."  

2015 Nissan Arguma features split, soundproof interiors

So, next year, Nissan's unique new Arguma will join the lineup.  The sedan's interior is divided into two separate areas with lots of soundproofing in between, the automaker claims.  

When shown a photograph of the car, Sissie and Blix, who argued about which last name they prefer to use, expressed interest in the car.  "I like it, but she won't," said Blix.  Sissie responded, "Hey (expletive), I happen to like it, so shut the (expletive) up."   Nissan says the #@&%ing Arguma will arrive at dealerships in September.

UPDATE:  Here comes the Honda Discord!  
Just hours after Nissan's Arguma was unveiled, Honda announced it will introduce its own model that targets bickering motorists called the Honda Discord.  The automaker did not release a photo or many details, but did claim the Discord's styling will be "quite different" from the Arguma.  "Their car looks like a pair of ugly glasses," said Honda spokeswoman Fresnel Popper.    

NEW STICK-ON DOG HEAD PERFECT FOR NON-PET OWNING DRIVERS

The Glass Lassie Golden Retriever model

A happy dog hanging its head out of a car window on a spring afternoon--it's a sight guaranteed to bring a smile to anyone's face.  And now, thanks to the Glass Lassie suction cup mounted dog head, even motorists without pets can join in the fun.

"I live in a small yurt and can't have a dog," explained 28-year-old Awabancha tea brewer Nutmeg Gooey, who had to stop mid-sentence when her silver tongue stud became lodged in the gap from a missing front tooth.  "Anyway," she contunued, "I got a Glass Lassie and stuck it on my car window and now everybody honks and waves.  It's great!"

The Glass Lassie is available in most breeds, including uncommon mixes like the French Peagle and Pit Poo.  The company also sells hypo-allergenic dog poop bags made from hemp and silk cocoons.  

NASA NEWS: LIFELESS MAJOR TOM FLOATS BY SPACE STATION WINDOW

Body of Major Tom floats
past space station

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station said they were shocked this morning to discover the body of Major Tom drifting by outside their window.  

Russian cosmonaut Aleksander Petrok, who first noticed Tom going by, said the incident was unsettling.  ”Я подумал, что это было прямое спутниковое телевидение, пролетавший,” Petrok said softly, shaking his head.  After being advised that no one had a clue what he had just said, he replied, ”Sorry.  I was surprised when I saw him, although at first, I thought he was the DirecTV satellite going by again.” 

During his last radio transmission before disappearing in 1969 , Tom requested that flight controllers, ”Tell my wife I love her very much.”  When controllers relayed the message to his wife Tachia, she reportedly just nodded and said, “I know.”

LED BROWS HOT NEW TREND FOR AUDI OWNERS

New Audi TT owner Starlet Quank
shows off her new LED eyebrows

The first time Starlet Quank gazed upon the shimmering LED running lights on the front of a new Audi TT, she was mesmerized.  "I just had to have that car!" she gushed.

But Starlet also wanted a pair of LED lights for herself.  "I was looking through the brochure and saw the new LED eyebrows for Audi owners and, of course, I wanted them right away," she said.

"Audi buyers love to accessorize," explained Audi spokesperson Ecoli Ralph.  "We're introducing an entire line of products, including LED earrings and dental grills.  One of our customers had Audi side blades tattooed onto the sides of his face.  It was captivating."

GASTROENTEROLOGIST-TURNED-MECHANIC RECOMMENDS TAILPIPE EXAM EVERY FIVE YEARS

Dr. Goblo-Ben Hennemeyer performs an
exhaustoscopy on a Land Rover

Dr. Goblo-Ben Hennemeyer gently guides the thin, flexible tube into the Land Rover's tailpipe.  It's a exam he recommends all vehicles undergo every five years.  We interviewed Dr. Hennemeyer about the procedure:

PP: You're both a gastroenterologist and a mechanic?

 DrH:  We prefer the term technician.

PP:  So, you're both a technician and a mechanic?  

DrH: No, I meant...never mind.  Yes, I am.

PP: Tell us about this procedure.

DrH:  It's called an Exhaustoscopy and basically, we extend a flexible tube with a little camera mounted on it into the tailpipe all the way to the vehicle's exhaust manifold to screen for sooty growths and muffler polyps.

PP:  Sounds painful.

DrH:  No, we disconnect the battery.  Actually, the worst part is the gallon of Gunk MotorMedic you have to circulate through the engine the day before.  Just when you think it's all cleaned out of the system, another squirt comes out.

PP:  Oh my.  What about vehicles with dual exhaust?

DrH:  It takes longer, but it's important to do both sides.  The worst are cars like Corvettes that have four exhaust pipes.  Thank God people don't.

PP:  I never thought about that.   It must be quite different performing this exam on vehicles versus a human patient.

DrH:  Yes.  People tend to complain more but we don't see a lot of rust-through.

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

"I like potatoes better,"
growled motorcycle enthusiast
Myles "Mayhem" Keebler

IN EFFORT TO PROMOTE HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE, HARLEY-DAVIDSON TO REPLACE POTATO, POTATO POTATO ENGINE SOUND WITH BRUSSELS SPROUTS, BRUSSELS SPROUTS, BRUSSELS SPROUTS

No one was injured when this party bus flipped over.  Police said the driver
lost control when obese pole dancer Liesel Stump began gyrating

TWIRLING OBESE POLE DANCER ON PARTY BUS CAUSES VEHICLE TO OVERTURN

HEY, THE TOYOTA 4RUNNER DOESN'T LOOK ANY WORSE UPSIDE-DOWN!

BEFORE

According to a recently released poll of SUV enthusiasts, every single one of them was "aghast" at the front-end styling of the new-for-2014 Toyota 4Runner.

Naturally, we wondered if it would look better upside-down, so, employing a Milwaukee 12-amp Sawzall reciprocating saw and a can of Super Sticky Wicket industrial adhesive, we inverted the front end.  The consensus?  It didn't look any better, but it didn't look worse, either.

AFTER
Note:  Please keep cats away from
industrial adhesives.  Cletus is fine but will
"hang" with "Willem" for several days

"I like the change.  It looks like there are quotation marks on either side of the grille," said respondent Cheerio Sakamoto, who added, "I thought the original front end looked too much like Willem Dafoe."

OVERHAULIN'S CHIP FOOSE STYMIED BY FIAT MULTIPLA

WITH THE CLOCK TICKING, GOOFY CAR REPORTEDLY HAS RENOWNED DESIGNER "AT THE END OF HIS ROPE"

Automotive designer Chip Foose, who has fabricated hundreds of award-winning custom vehicles, broke down on the set of his television show Overhaulin' last week after spending nearly the entire alotted week trying without success to come up with an idea, any idea, for customizing a 1959 Fiat Multipla.

Chip Foose tries in vain to produce a design for the Fiat
behind him.

"I feel bad for Chip," Overhaulin' team member Wrigley Bulboff said while caressing a rubber bushing.  "He just sits there muttering to himself and sketching for hours on end surrounded by a huge pile of crumpled drawings."

The team typically has seven days to produce a design and complete the project, and the deadline looms just 12 hours away.  "I guess if he doesn't come up with something, we'll just put in a new stereo and spray some Armor All on it," said Bulboff.

SALES OF AIRPORT TUGS SOAR AS BIG SUVs DISAPPEAR

Fans of large, body-on-frame SUVs are finding they have fewer models to choose from than just a few years ago.  While sales of smaller crossover utility vehicles continue to skyrocket, the smaller, lightweight vehicles often don't meet the needs of many active families who carry a lot of gear and tow boats or trailers.

Enter the new Runway Funway.  Powered by a Cummins six-cylinder diesel boasting 1,080 lb. ft. of torque, the Funway is brawny enough to tow nearly anything on wheels.

The Runway Funway is adapted from an airport tug, so there's no shortage of towing capacity

The Runway Funway--adapted from a heavy-duty airport "pushback" tug--can be fitted with optional living quarters for up to eight people and still have plenty of room for motorcycles, ATVs and other toys.  

Oh, and about that towing capacity:  Funway owner Gleason Milkner, a retiree who suffers from chronic electrical surges in his neck and probably shouldn't be driving at all, told Parksplug he once inadvertently dragged his  39' travel trailer 400 miles before realizing the trailer brakes were locked.  "It sure was smoky," he laughed.

DIRTY, HUNGRY AND PISSED OFF: MAN WHO WAS ACCIDENTALLY BURIED WITH TIME CAPSULE AT DEALERSHIP 25 YEARS AGO FINALLY UNEARTHED

25 years did not fly by for Larry Dick Zindle.  Back on May 1st, 1989, Zindle was inadvertently buried along with a time capsule he was placing in the parking lot of Futz Delahee Toyota, and yesterday, during the 25th anniversary celebration during which the capsule was unearthed, so was Larry Dick Zindle.

Larry Dick Zindle (center) climbs out of hole.  Dealership
owner Futz Delahee is shown at right

"Where's that (expletive) front loader operator?" shouted an enraged Zindle as he swung a shovel.  "That (expletive) dumped a half-ton of dirt on me.  I'll kill him."

Police had to be called after Zindle chased screaming middle school band members around the parking lot.  "I get that he's upset," said Officer Sig Gizzard, "but it wasn't the kids' fault."  No one was injured but one 13 year old boy complained of a buckled oboe.

Dealership owner Futz Delahee said he felt bad for Zindle and will try to make it up to him.  "I offered him a Fresca and a 20% discount on paint protection."

FIREFIGHTERS: TOO MANY POLICE IMPERSONATORS AND PHONY COP CARS

NOT ENOUGH FIREFIGHTER IMPERSONATORS, UNION COMPLAINS

Firefighters complain there are two many fake police cars
and not enough firefighter impersonators

Just days after the fourth person in three days was arrested for driving a phony police car and impersonating a officer, the president of the local firefighters union said his organization is considering filing a lawsuit claiming discrimination against firefighters.  

”You hear about people impersonating cops all the time, but hardly anyone ever impersonates a firefighter, and that’s discrimination,” said PAFFITSWAOA president Graham-Bub Heckenlebber.  "How many fake fire engines do you see people driving around in?  I rest my case," he scowled.   

Heckenlebber added that the union plans to institute a free training program in the future for would-be firefighter impersonators.  ”This is an important issue and we feel it’s also incumbent upon us to do our part to bolster the ranks of firefighter impersonators.”

FIRST PHOTOS OF CHEVY'S NEW CORVOLT HIGH-PERFORMANCE HYBRID

For the past year, General Motors brass has declined to discuss rumors of a higher performance version of the Chevrolet Volt hybrid electric passenger car.  But those rumors were confirmed at a press conference today, and photos of the new Corvolt were shown to the press.

Front view of new Corvolt

"The Corvolt will be the only performance hybrid on the market," said Chevrolet's Assistant Vice-President and Director of Marketing, Human Resources and Facilities, who goes only by "Bob".   The Corvolt's enhanced performance was achieved by tuning the motor for 241-volt electricity instead of the normal 240, unplugging the air conditioner, and adding "another dollop" of lithium to the battery pack.

Four backup lamps mimic Corvette's
exhaust outlets

The Corvolt's handling should also be much sharper than the standard Volt's, as it borrows GM's vaunted Magnetoheterosexual dampers from the Corvette.  "We thought about calling it the E/28,"said Bob, "but we thought that might be too confusing."