OUR VIEW: CHEVROLET NEEDS TO RE-THINK ITS PLAN TO GIVE 2015 SPARK SUBCOMPACT TO SUPER BOWL MVP

Enoch Moonves, quarterback of the football team at
 Van Nutt's Barber College, tries on the Spark

Chevrolet is reportedly re-thinking its plan to award this weekend's Super Bowl MVP a subcompact Spark.  

"What were they thinking?" asked barber college quarterback Enoch Moonves when we contacted him outside the Waffle House off Highway 76.  Moonves, who decided not to enter the restaurant after seeing the No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service sign on the door,  took us up on our invitation to try on our test Spark for size.  

After 45 minutes, he gave up trying to fit behind the wheel of the diminutive four-door and sat down on its roof to rest.  "Maybe Chevy will bump it up to a Malibu or something," he said.   

THESAURUS WEBSITE CLAIMS TRUCK MAKERS USED UP ALL ITS "TOUGH" SYNONYMS FOR THEIR ADS

Thesaurus.com complained today that GM, Ford and Ram depleted its website of all synonyms for the word "tough" for use in their advertising.  Thesaurus.com spokesman Rodan McElhinney said a visitor to the site alerted them to the synonym shortage. "He was trying to find a synonym for the word "tough," but the page was totally blank," said McElhinney.  "All the synonyms were gone. We're completely out."  

Out of Stock:  Thesaurus.com says truck makers
used up all its "tough" synonyms for use in their advertising

Thesaurus.com's investigation revealed that copywriters for the three truck companies had visited the site and searched hundreds of times for "tough" synonyms.  "They put them in their advertising; they got 'em all," said a frustrated McElhinney, "including durable, solid, stiff, firm, stout, brawny and even hard-as-nails."  

McElhinney said he has placed an emergency order with the company's synonym suppliers. "We hope to have at least some synonyms back in stock by this evening," he said, adding, "They put us in a tough spot."   

BREAKING NEWS! NFL OFFICIALS REPORTEDLY FIND PATRIOTS COACH'S TIRES UNDER-INFLATED

Unidentified sources claimed today that NFL officials performed a surprise inflation check of New England Patriots players' vehicles and discovered the tires on coach Bill Belichick's gold 2004 Mitsubishi Diamante were badly under-inflated.

NFL tire-checker Oceanus Duff manipulates the valve stem on New
England Patriots coach Bill Belichick's Mitsubishi Diamante

"I have to tell you, this doesn't look good for Belichick," said sports writer Prunella Vogle.   "He should have 32 psi all around and I heard the left rear was at 18.  It's certainly not a good way to head into the Super Bowl."

League investigators reportedly performed the spot-check as the team practiced this morning at the Arizona Cardinal's facility in Tempe.

NFL spokesman Howdy Kanute said the league would not comment on the allegations, saying, "The league won't comment on the allegations."

FIRST SPY PHOTO OF MAYTAG'S UPCOMING UTILITY VEHICLE

Automotive spy photographer Yakima Gluntz was once again in the right place at the right time, this time capturing a prototype of appliance maker Maytag's new off road utility vehicle.  

While Maytag declined to comment, the vehicle reportedly can be powered by either gas or electricity, and features a somewhat old-fashioned yet rugged Top Loader transmission.

A dial on the dashboard allows the driver to change suspension settings for different terrains, choosing from delicate, normal and heavy duty.

HATE USING THE BATHROOM AT WORK? CHECK OUT THOR'S NEW PERSONAL RESTROOM TRAILER

  ENJOY THE COMFORT--AND CAR MAGAZINES--OF YOUR OWN BATHROOM ANYWHERE YOU GO WITH THE NEW LIGHTWEIGHT DefiMate!

The DefiMate easily fits in the parking lot at work.  Just don't be
handing out keys to your co-workers

It's no secret:  Guys hate using the restroom at work. You can't relax, lock the door, and have the entire place to yourself like you can at home, and doctors warn that trying to stifle all those loud, abrupt bathroom noises that go prrrrrrrrrrrrt can lead to acute stress.  Worst of all, there are no car magazines.  

Thor, the world's largest manufacturer of recreational vehicles, employs a lot of men, and realizing their plight, the company decided to introduce the DefiMate, a lightweight portable restroom you can easily tow behind that Ram diesel of yours with the bitchin' eight-inch diameter through-the-hood exhaust stack.   

Don't need no mirror...just a place to pour out old beer and put car magazines

You can set up the DefiMate any way you want to.  There's plenty of wall space for beer signs and antlers, and with the American Standard Siphonic Dual-Flush toilet and its comfortable, extra-wide seat (optional camo coating shown), you can read in comfort for hours.  Check out the DefiMate today.  As its manufacturer says, "We give a crap so you can take one."  

Go ahead and pee on the floor--ain't gonna
hurt nothin'

NISSAN CONSIDERED A GOATEE TO CONCEAL TITAN'S AGING LOOKS

"If It Works For a Man, It Should Work For a Truck, Right?" Nissan's Reisling Bubbalinga

Nissan considered simply adding a goatee to the
company's aging Titan pickup (above), but ultimately
decided on complete redesign

The Nissan Titan, which has remained largely unchanged since its 2004 debut, has finally been revamped; the new truck debuted at Detroit's International Auto Show earlier this month.  But one insider says the new truck almost didn't happen.  

Nissan Conceptual Designer Reisling Bubbalinga said planners came close to keeping the current truck for a few more years, equipping it with a goatee to conceal the effects of aging rather than spending millions to develop a new model.  

"Many men grow goatees to conceal wrinkles, sagging skin and other signs of aging," explained Bubbalinga, "I can't see any reason it wouldn't work for a truck."  

Before quashing the entire goatee idea, Nissan designers also created supplemental whiskers for the truck's side doors called Titan Chops, claimed Bubbalinga.  

TIRED OF TAILGATERS? THE TAILGRATER GETS THEM OFF YOUR BACK FOR GOOD!

It's become a frequent occurrence:  the thimble-headed goonluca behind you thinks you should be going faster--even though you're already driving 15 over the limit in the slow lane.  He inches so close to the back of your car that the fluctuating dipoles begin to resonate and hum like Roger Whittaker at an AARP convention.  

Saw a hole right through that jerk's
car with the TailGrater

Happen to you?  The solution is the TailGrater.  This inexpensive, lightweight device consists of a pair of circular cutting discs mounted to a carbon fiber rod that electrically extends from the back of your car and saws a hole through the numbskull's radiator, quickly incapacitating his vehicle.  

Imagine the fun the entire family will have watching the tailgater's vehicle disappear in a cloud of steam worthy of Mt. Pinatubo!  Order today! The TailGrater is approved by the Highway Patrol*.  

Have a grate day!  Tailgater, meet the TailGrater

                                                                                                                                        * of Turkmenistan

JEEP NIXES PLANS FOR WRANGLER HELLCAT

Jeep says the Wrangler Hellcat ended up like this
at some point during every test drive. "We got tired
of pushing the front end back down,"
said spokesman Guzmo Squelt

Sad news for Wrangler fans:  Jeep won't be building a Hellcat-powered Wrangler after all.  "After numerous wheelies and backflips, we determined that 707-horsepower is just too much for a 95-inch wheelbase," said Jeep engineer Guzmo Squelt (here at Parksplug, we're holding out hope for a Wrangler Unlimited Hellcat).  

This is the second concept vehicle Fiat Chrysler has canceled in the past few months. You might recall that back in November, we published a spy photo of a Viper-engined Fiat 500 test vehicle. 

The company was hoping to achieve greater economies of scale by equipping at least one other vehicle with the Viper's V-10 engine, explained a Fiat insider who requested anonymity.  But the car was canceled primarily for two reasons, says now unemployed engineer Pippo Guglielmo:  the 83/17 front-to-rear weight distribution and a 11.5-acre turning circle.  

Slightly front heavy:  Viper-engined Fiat 500
reportedly had an 83/17 weight ratio  

MAN COMPLAINS, "MY SELF-DRIVING CAR LEFT FOR WORK WITHOUT ME!"

A local man who inadvertently overslept said his car left for work this morning without him. "I usually leave around 7:30 am, but I didn't even wake up until 7:35 and my car had already left," said 37-year old Barkle Funx. "I called the office and they said my car was out in the lot."  

Barkle Funx had to work from home after his
Mercedes-Benz S550 left for work without him

Funx, who works as a certified private accountant, was surprised that his 2014 Mercedes-Benz S550 would leave on its own.  "Then again, you know, it is German, and they're very disciplined and punctual," he said.  

Funx said he would spend the day working from home.  "But we're definitely going to talk about this when the car gets home, I promise you that," he said heatedly.    

AN INTERVIEW WITH CADILLAC SPOKESPERSON CIABATTA MA

The new Cadillac ATS and CTS have been the subjects of rave reviews, so we thought it was time to sit down with company spokesperson Ciabatta Ma to see what else was coming down the pike.  Or pipe.  Whatever.

PP:  Want some coffee?

CM:  Sure.  Got any Bailey's? 

PP:  It's only 9:00am.

CM:  Not in New York.  That's where our headquarters is now.  Right across the street from Just Salad.  But they also sell soup; isn't that weird? 

PP:  Boy, it sure is.  Anyway, you must be proud of the success of the ATS.

CM:  You mean the CT4.

PP:  I do?

CM:  Yes, as soon as JdN1 came in he started changing the names.

PP:  What's a JdN1?

CM:  Our new boss.  He used to be known as Johan de Nysschen, but we're going all alphanumeric. As soon as the paperwork goes though I'll be CMM6.
  
PP:  That's much less confusing.

CM:  We think so.  

PP:  Anyway, back to the CT4.  I had a chance to drive a CTS with the twin-turbo 3.6, and---

CM:  You mean the CT5.

PP:  Um, yes.  The CT5.  Anyway, that turbo 3.6 is really---

CM:  The LF3.

PP:  I thought it was the CT5.

CM:  Yes, the LF3 is the engine in the CT5 V-Sport, which used to be the CTS V-Sport.  

PP:  (to office assistant) I'd like a Bailey's, too, please. Anyway, the LF3 must make the ATS--I mean the CT4--quite a performer.

CM:  It would if the LF3 was in the CT4, but it's only in the CT5, or CTS.  The ATS or CT4 is equipped with the LF4.

PP:  Dang, look at that...our time is up.  Thanks for coming.

CM:  I'll tell JdN1 you said hello.

PP:  Oh great, thanks.  (to office assistant) Where the hell is my Bailey's?

DODGE TEASES CHARGER PAROLEE PACKAGE

Dodge has confirmed jailhouse rumors that it will offer a Parolee Package for the 2015 Charger.  "We think parolees who have paid their debt to society constitute an untapped automotive market," said Dodge spokeswoman Bubbles Suggs.  "Until now, most parolees looking for an affordable car with primer finish, mismatched wheels, missing hood, rusty panels and duct-taped broken windows were pretty much limited to late 70's Camaros. Now they can get the same features in a new car with a warranty."  

According to Dodge, the $200 Parolee Package, payable in cigarettes, also includes loud exhaust and various burned-out exterior lights. "And the tow hooks make it much more convenient during police contacts," Suggs added.   

The Dodge Charger Parolee Package.  It looks worse in person

FOREIGN HACKERS HIT CAR'S BACKUP CAMERA

UNAUTHORIZED PHOTOS OF GARAGE DOOR, FEET  POSTED ON INTERNET

The victim identified this as the inside
of his garage door. An insulated door
wouldn't have cost much more

Internet security experts say they're working to determine who is behind the alleged hacking of a vehicle's backup camera and the public release of numerous images from the camera.  The owner of the vehicle, a man named Sonny who requested that his last name not be disclosed, said he doesn't know why he was targeted.  "This is just a guess, but maybe somebody got Sonny and Sony mixed up." 

Experts are trying to determine whether there are three
people in this hacked photo or six one-legged individuals

"We think they're foreign hackers--maybe from Nevis--but I can't speculate as to why they chose this car or why they posted these particular photographs," said an official looking Caucasian man wearing sunglasses and a very nice dark gray Men's Wearhouse suit.  "They had a BOGO sale.  I have another suit just like this one except it's brown," he explained.  

ROLLS-ROYCE ACKNOWLEDGES THAT SPIRIT OF ECSTASY'S WEIGHT "OUT OF CONTROL"

2013 Spirit of Ecstasy

After months of silence, Rolls-Royce admitted today that the company's famed Spirit of Ecstasy hood ornament has a weight problem. 

 "Yes, well, she has chuffed up a bit, hasn't she?" acknowledged Rolls spokesman Quillan Bagley.  Parent company BMW has reportedly given Rolls a strict order to place the SofE on a diet.  "She has gained about 90 grams," said stern BMW Engineering Director Bamber Übergewicht, "This makes the car less, how do you say, aerodynamische," he added.

2015: "She has chuffed up a bit,"
admits Rolls-Royce

Increased drag isn't the only negative consequence of the weight gain, however.  Some customers complain that the corpulent sterling silver Spirit whistles at highway speeds and is too large to retract into the car's expensive, handmade radiator shroud when the ignition is turned off. "It's also quite difficult to see around her while you're driving," said  distressed Wraith owner Cord de Borasco.  
    

MORE DETROIT AUTO SHOW NEWS:

MERCEDES: THE MAYBOX, AN ULTRALUXURY, HANDCRAFTED VAN TO JOIN THE LINEUP IN 2017

FORMER BMW DESIGNER CHRIS BANGLE SPIED TAKING PHOTOS OF M6 COUPE

TODAY'S DETROIT AUTO SHOW DEBUTS: JEEPER SWEEPER AND THREE-CYLINDER ECOBOOST F-150

Jeeper Sweeper 

Jeep and Ford introduced new models at the Detroit Auto Show today.  Jeep unveiled it's Jeeper Sweeper, a Wrangler with a large street-sweeping roller brush that replaces the front wheels and tires.  "Municipalities simply can't afford to sweep streets on a regular basis anymore, so we're proud to help civic-minded Jeep owners step up and take over some of these duties," said Jeep spokesman Pulgas Bift.  

Jeep says an easy-to-empty 115 cubic-foot storage bin with leaf storage tray replaces the Wrangler Unlimited's rear seat.  

It's in there somewhere:  Ford's 1.0 liter EcoBoost
DOHC  I-3 sits at the bottom of the 2016 F-150 engine bay

Ford is on a roll with its new EcoBoost engines, according to Ford.  "We're on a roll with our new EcoBoost engines, said Ford spokesperson Chlamidia Gunderson.  The company announced today that it will add the 1.0 liter three-cylinder EcoBoost engine to the 2016 
F-150 lineup. Ford says the truck equipped with the 123-horspower three is expected to achieve EPA fuel mileage ratings of 29 city and 33 highway, or real world mileage of about 14 mpg combined. "It looks like a spa pump," said show goer Izzy Plummer.       

HARLEY-DAVIDSON'S NEW WALKER FOR AGING BIKERS

After  riding motorcycles for almost 60 years, Cletus "Worm" Tiddlinger recently decided it was time to hang up the keys.  "One day I was riding my Harley over to the pancake house to meet a buddy," said Tiddlinger, who lives a few miles outside Tucson, Arizona, "and I somehow got turned around and wound up in Canada. My ol' lady was pissed."  Worm also suffers from a wilted coccyx, which his doctor says is a result of spending years perched on an unstuffed motorcycle seat.  

But while Worm isn't riding anymore, he still has a Harley.  "It's about the purtiest thing I ever seen," he beamed while showing off his new Harley Old Bob walker. "Blanche, my ol' lady, loves it, too.  I just wish she could ride on the back," Tiddlinger said wistfully.  

Cletus "Worm" Tiddlinger poses with his new
Harley-Davidson Old Bob

CHAOS AT AUTO SHOW AFTER HAND SANITIZER DISPENSERS ACCIDENTALLY FILLED WITH AROUSAL GEL

Police fired rubber bullets and firefighters used water hoses today to restore order after hand sanitizer dispensers at the North American Auto Show in Detroit were inadvertently filled with arousal gel. “When I arrived, a dozen people rushed over and began groping me and licking my earlobes,” said police officer Al Thacker. “Even my pepper spray wouldn’t repel them.”

“It was the best auto show I've ever been to,” said attendee Belinda Lou Benofski

Fire Captain Norburt Wang said the incident, which was caused when an unidentified COBO Center employee accidentally filled dozens of hand sanitizer dispensers with K-Y Date Night Intense Arousal Gel instead of Purell, even drew spectators away from the new Ford GT on display.  

Show organizer Swoosie Bonanno, whose dress was torn and wig was missing, described the scene as surreal. “It was crazy. People were going at it right there in the aisles while firefighters sprayed water on them. One woman even zoomed up and down the aisles on a mobility scooter doing drive-by gropings.”

Bonanno said the employee who made the error won’t be disciplined. “He’s really a good kid.  Besides, he only has one eye.” 

ANGRY CROWD OF CHAIN SMOKERS AND OBESE PEOPLE RIOT AT CORNER OF HAPPY AND HEALTHY

The intersection of Happy and Healthy was the scene of a large fight yesterday between crowds of chain smokers and sedentary obese people, according to police.  "A fat guy coming out of the Walgreen's store bumped into a smoker in the parking lot, and that started the whole thing," said police sergeant Spooter Wolper, who estimated that 200 people were fighting at one point.    

"It was a real angry crowd," said Wolper.  "But the smokers and the obese people fought each another for only a minute or so before they all got winded and had to sit down." 

Police attempt to break up aggressive crowd at the corner of Happy and Healthy

ACURA TO MERGE ENTIRE LINEUP INTO JUST ONE VEHICLE

Acura has decided to combine all the vehicles in its lineup into one vehicle.  Instead of selling the ILX, TLX, RLX, RDX and MDX, the automaker will only offer what it describes as a "sport sedan utility vehicle" called the ITRMX.  And yes, there will be an ITRMX SH-AWD model.

When asked the rationale behind merging all of its models, ill-tempered Acura spokeswoman Anistheesia Ricketts looked up from her iPhone and snarled, "All the damned cars looked alike anyway."  Can't argue with that.  

Acura ITRMX test mule photographed someplace really gray.
Our sources say the vehicle's final design is 
expected to be pretty much the same.  
Well, maybe a little different.  

The grille of the production version (above), will 
feature an aluminum blade the size of a 
Cessna propeller, along with nearly 
microscopic Chiclet headlights.  At least
 it looks happy.  

RAM INTRODUCES NEW "RAMBOX THING"

Innovations continue to flow from Ram Trucks.  At a press conference in Auburn Hills today, the truckmaker introduced their latest product, the Rambox Thing.  "Everyone needs a hand now and then, especially when he or she is on the job," explained Nero Blankenbaker, Ram's Vice Assistant Co-Director of Technology. "And the Rambox Thing is the perfect helper."

According to a company press release, the optional Thing can "do everything from handing you a tool to holding the other end of a tape measure."  Blankenbaker also added that many people fill the Rambox with ice and cold beverages for weekend camping trips and that Thing can even pop the top and hand out ice cold beers.  "Just keep it away from your wife," he said with a wink.

Rambox Thing hands over a wrench

BUZZ FROM THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

Despite Ford's denials, we hear a new Ranger for the U.S. market will debut in two to three years.  One Ford insider, who requested anonymity, described the mid-sized pickup as looking "sort of like a big Aston-Martin Ranchero."  A judge has ordered a psychiatric evaluation for a 36-year-old Minnehaha man who spent four years building a Pontiac Aztek "tribute".  Jiffy Lube plans to install decompression chambers in each of its 34-billion shops after employees working in the lower-level pit were afflicted with the bends. Winka Jo Nordleg, a 42-year-old Grunt Hat resident, was paroled this week after serving three years for washing her Alfa Romeo with Dawn dish soap.  A homeless family of four was discovered living in the customer lounge at Chuey Medusa Chevrolet in Pasodula City.  Manager Dichondra Sue Fooch said, "We just figured they were waiting for parts to come in."   Upscale mens' clothier Berndt Focaccia will partner with Pep Boys to offer a line of designer timing belts.  According to spokesman Gianello Sonovabichi, A croc-embossed reversible leather belt for a Lexus LS runs about $600 not including labor.  More cities are trying to figure out how to combat the scourge of illegal street bowling.  In one town, anarchist bowlers fleeing from police left behind a gasoline-fired pin setter and battery-powered hand dryer.  Complaints are surfacing about power shortages resulting from electric car chargers. Residents of one city say the chargers are sucking up so much juice that their clocks run slow and a one-hour television show runs 1.5 hours.  The Department of the Interior is demanding that off-roaders stop drawing maps in the dirt with a stick. "It damages the topsoil and make the dirt saltier," explains Department spokesperson Toofie Bonsquat.  

DOCTOR SAYS NEW HONDA FITBIT TOO STRENUOUS FOR SOME

"Get more exercise!"  It's a goal that occupies the top slot on many New Year's resolution lists. But one doctor warns that a popular new fitness device can actually lead to dangerous overexertion.  

The 2,650- pound Honda Fitbit, which is lugged along by a harness-equipped user, was a popular Christmas gift last month.  But Dr. Branislav Pittleman warns it's not for everyone.  "Unless someone is adept at, say, pulling an Airbus with his teeth, I really can't recommend it," said Pittleman, who said he's seen Honda Fitbit-using patients with injuries ranging from third-degree harness welts to wheezing lung grunts, both of which can lead to lethal clamminess.  

37-year-old Donzil Tripe pauses to throw up on the beach while
working out with his new Honda Fitbit

The Honda Fitbit's manufacturer countered that the device's instruction manual, which can be found at http//www.hondafitbit/models/users/support/manuals/automatics/somemoreslashes, 
advises users to start slow and ensure the transmission is shifted into neutral.