MAN IMPALED BY HOOD ORNAMENT IN 1957 CAR ACCIDENT SPEAKS OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME

"I don't remember if it was off an Oldsmobile or maybe a Mercury," said Archie Quiggle said of the aircraft-themed hood ornament protruding from the left side of his head.
"My wife says it's my best feature. She keeps it polished up for me so it looks nice," said the 83-year old Tinkle Falls resident.    

Jet hood ornament has been stuck in Archie Quiggle's
head since a 1957 traffic accident

The chrome-plated hood ornament has been stuck in the side of Quiggle's head for 58 years. 

"Yeah, back in '57, a guy ran a stop sign and hit me broadside. His hood ornament broke off and sailed right through my window and stuck in my head," he said. "It hurt at first but not anymore."  

Quiggle said dozens of doctors over the years have offered to remove the shiny object, but he's declined.  "I keep my hair a little longer on that side, so I don't think it's really that noticeable, do you?"  

EPA STRIKE FORCE RAIDS VOLKSWAGEN HEADQUARTERS

Weeks after Volkswagen's bombshell admission that it cheated on diesel emissions testing, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency's Clean Air Strike Force raided the automaker's Wolfsburg, Germany headquarters and seized what the strike team leader called, "some Jettas and papers and stuff."

At the start of the assault, EPA Strike Force Commander Axl Sproing
prepares to light the fuse on the Glimmer-Thud distraction device

According to Axl Sproing, the commander of the EPA strike force, the team arrived aboard several whirlybirds around 6:00 o'clock this morning, which would be 9:00pm the night before in Beaverton, Oregon.

"We entered the Volkswagen property and, even though no one was there, we immediately created a diversion by setting off a glimmer-thud grenade, which is kind of like a flash-bang but much less powerful," said Sproing, who explained that, "Instead of going 'boom', it kind of goes 'kablooey!'" 

After the raid, the strike team enjoyed a satisfying lunch of Spaetzle and hefeweizen in the VW cafeteria before leaving the property.   

No other information was available, but stay with us for updates throughout the day. Or you can check back tomorrow.   

CAN YOU FIT IN A SMART CAR? NOW YOU CAN FIND OUT WITH THIS SIMPLE NEW DEVICE

Tens of people who would like to own a Smart Fortwo hold off purchasing one because they're concerned they might not fit comfortably behind the wheel of the diminutive two-seater.  

But a new device similar to the familiar carry-on luggage sizing device found at airport ticket counters might put prospective buyers at ease.  

"We call it the Smart Fit," said Smart spokesman Skiff Dickerson.  "We're putting them in all our showrooms and also in malls all over the country. If someone fits in the Smart Fit, believe me, they'll fit comfortably in a Smart Fortwo," promised Dickerson.  

"I'm too damned big," said an anguished Buckley "Buck" Buckley

Buckley "Buck" Buckley, 44, of East Ohop, has been considering buying a Smart car ever since his girlfriend Jellie Ruth fell in love with a midnight blue Fortwo Proxy Coupe she saw parked at the local Walgreen's and began passionately licking its windows.  

"God, she loved that little car," said Buckley, shaking his head.

But unfortunately, when he stopped by his local dealership, East Ohop Smart, to size up the Smart Fit, he discovered he didn't fit.  "I am too damned big," said an obviously devastated Buckley.  "My feet stuck out and my head is too high."  

Buckley, who became stuck inside the Smart Fit device, was eventually pulled out by his belt loops by the sales manager. "What am I going to tell Jellie Ruth?" he said as he walked forlornly through the Fortwos parked on the lot.    

FIRST PHOTO: 2017 LINCOLN LINCOLN

RAISED-ROOF SUV COMMEMORATES ABE LINCOLN AND HIS STOVEPIPE HAT

Lincoln today released the first teaser photo of its upcoming Lincoln Lincoln, a tall-roofed crossover that it says pays "even more homage" to Abraham Lincoln, according to the automaker.  We spoke with Lincoln spokesman Darnoff Guthelman about the vehicle.  

Lincoln Lincoln in front of the Lincoln Memorial

PP:  You have the MKC, MKS, MKX and so on. Is the Lincoln Lincoln the beginning of a trend away from alphanumeric names?

DG: We don't have any alphanumeric names; there are no numbers, so they're just alpha names.  

PP:  Like Romeo?  

DG:  No, that's A-L-F-A.  We have no numerics and no Romeo.  

PP:  Why is the roof so tall on the Lincoln Lincoln?

DG: Surprisingly, it's very aerodynamic--especially if you get caught in a squall or haboob.  Plus, our analysts determined that the stovepipe hat like Lincoln wore is making a comeback. People will want to wear them while they're driving, hence the tall roof.  

PP:  Do you really think everyone will soon be wearing stovepipe hats?  

DG:  Maybe not everyone, but influential people like Deepak Chopra and Reese Witherspoon will almost certainly be early adopters.  

PP:  Will there be a Lincoln Lincoln Bo Bincoln package?

DG:  What?  

PP:  Never mind. What does "hence" mean?  

VW CREATES GOFUNDME SITE TO HELP PAY EPA FINES

Just days after news broke of the Volkswagen diesel emissions test scandal, the automaker quietly set up its own GoFundMe crowdfunding page to help it pay EPA fines that could reach $18-billion.  


"This is a difficult time, but we are blessed to still have customers who believe in Volkswagen," said spokesman 
Kuhlbert Schnipps.  

According to VW's GoFundMe site, they're blessed to have exactly two customers left, Howard "Howdy" Mussel and his wife Canola.  Ardent Volkswagen fans, the Mussels yesterday donated $143, leaving VW with an unfunded amount of $17,999,999,857.  

"We bought a brand new VW Squareback in '73 and drove it until it was consumed by fire last year," said Howdy.  "We loved it, especially before it caught fire." The couple, who no longer drive, buried the Squareback's remains in their Agapanthus garden alongside Putz, their late, beloved Rock Cornish Game Hen.    

RELATED NEWS:  WHAT WILL MARTIN WINTERKORN DO NEXT?  

Forced to resign, the former Volkswagen CEO told Parksplug "Ich möchte um sich zu entspannen," whatever that means.  However, we do know that he plans to rejoin the family singing group The Winterkorns, whose hit Mond über dem Biergarten (Moon Over the Beer Garden) hit #5 on Germany's Wilhelmboard Top 100 back in 1973.  

VOLKSWAGEN NEWS: WINTERKORN RESIGNS; MEDIA OVERUSES THE WORD "EMBATTLED"; VW UNVEILS A NEW LOGO

A renowned linguistics expert claimed that today's resignation of Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn led to such extensive overuse of the word "embattled" by the automotive press that it had to be taken out of service for a few days until it could cool down. "Reporters can probably start using it again on Monday," said linguist Dr. Balfour Smote. 

The diesel emissions scandal that led to Winterkorn's resignation also resulted in a one-third loss of VW's stock value over the past five days. Today, the Wolfsburg-based automaker unveiled a new logo that more accurately reflects its recent market losses.  

Before and After

MEET THE OTHER BENTLEY BENTAYGA

FASHION MODEL ACCUSES BENTLEY OF STEALING HER NAME :  "I HAD IT FIRST, I THINK." 

While Bentley is busily preparing for the 2016 introduction of it's $229,000 W-12 powered SUV, the Bentayga, lawyers for a British fashion model of the same name are contemplating whether to file suit against the automaker.  

Model Bentley Bentayga strikes what she
calls her "really angry" pose

"They're illegally using her name," claimed Gyro Mullins, an attorney for 24-year-old British model Bentley Bentayga. 

"We don't know if it's an intentional tort," said Mullins with a straight face. "But as soon as we figure that out, we'll probably go after them for something, maybe infringement, unauthorized reproduction, misappropriation, or some sort of copyright violation, depending on which of those would pay more," said Mullins.   

"I'm really really really really super angry," said Bentayga, who hails from Cornmeal-on-Fire, England. "I don't even know why they would name their stupid car after me," she squeaked, adding, "It doesn't even look like me. Plus, I had the name first, I think." 

Bentley was busy and couldn't come to the phone when we reached out to them for comment.  

THE CHEATING SCANDAL DEEPENS: VOLKSWAGEN HAD AN ASHLEY MADISON PROFILE, SOURCE CLAIMS

Or maybe the scandal widened rather than deepening.  Whichever, it turns out Volkswagen was cheating on more than just diesel engine emissions tests. An anonymous source who earlier claimed the automaker had a profile on the recently-hacked Ashley Madison online dating site today provided us with a copy of VW's listing.  

The profile, shown below, includes a gauzy, rather seductive photograph of what appears to be a Volkswagen Tiguan striking an alluring pose.  

It's not known if the company actually participated in any affairs.  When reached for comment, a Volkswagen spokesman shouted, "Stop calling me!" before slamming down the phone (which was an odd thing to do as it was a cell phone).  

The Ashley Madison site caters to married people who wish to cheat on their spouses. The site's slogan is, "Life is short, have an eclair." Or something to that effect.  

DAIMLER BOSS DIETER ZETSCHE SHOCKS FRANKFURT AUTO SHOW CROWD

"THE MOUSTACHE IS A FAKE!"  

Dieter Zetsche, the Chairman of Daimler and head of Mercedes-Benz, stunned a crowd of automotive reporters at the Frankfurt International Auto Show yesterday by unexpectedly revealing that his trademark walrus moustache is a fake. 

Dieter Zetsche shocked the crowd when he revealed his trademark
moustache is a fake

Knox Enoster, an editor for the website Car Snow (although it could be Cars Now--we couldn't read our own handwriting), said Zetsche was on stage to introduce Mercedes' sleek new Concept EIEIO, when he paused and suddenly ripped off his glasses.  

"His damn moustache came off with the glasses!" Enoster shrieked, spattering a bystander with spittle. 

Four automotive writers fainted at the sight of the clean-lipped Zetsche, and others left the show after complaining of confusion and wooziness, which was not believed to be life-threatening.  

"He blew us all away," said Enoster.    

WHAT'S NEW IN TRUCK GRILLES, YOU ASK?

Chevrolet and Toyota this week sent us photographs of their upcoming new truck grille designs, one accompanied by a hyperbolic press release reading, "An exciting new era of innovative and captivating frontal design begins now!"  Well, that was Chevrolet's announcement; Toyota just included a Post-It with a scribbly handwritten note stuck to the photo, reading, "New grille."     

Chevrolet Tahoe's new air filter/grille 

"The grille is actually the air filter," explained GM spokesman Dobie DeBoyd. "There is a significant increase in filtering capacity over the previous underhood filter. Plus, it changes color as it gets dirty. Pretty cool, huh?" 

For now, the filtering grille is available only on Tahoe and Suburban.  

Not everyone, however, is impressed with Chevy's new grille. 

"How the hell are we supposed to find enough shelf space to stock dozens of air filters the size of ironing boards?" asked Herculon Bieber, the assistant manager of the O'Reilly Auto Parts store over on E. Figmont.    

Toyota, meanwhile, claims its new zippered grille--which will be available on both the Tacoma and Tundra-- is "sporty looking" and will provide easy access for maintenance and repairs.

"Say you have to change the air conditioning condenser. Just unzip it and pull it out," explained Toyota spokesman Pepito Bismol, adding, "Wait, that sounds bad. Maybe I should say 'unzip the grille and disconnect the condenser'."  

Toyota says the zipper grille can also be ordered in a left-to-right opening model.  

AIR FORCE AUGMENTS BUDGET BY AIR DROPPING WEALTHY PEOPLE AT VACATION DESTINATIONS

A respected Major General today told members of a Congressional hearing that the Air Force should be allowed to continue air dropping wealthy individuals and their families over their second homes and ritzy vacation spots. 

The practice, which reportedly began at least a while ago if not longer, was brought to light by whistleblower Hialeah Schlipper, after an air dropped family of four in their Mercedes-Benz G63 AMG drifted off course, landing in her garden, crushing her prize-winning Black-Eyed Susans. 

An Air Force C-17 Globemaster airdrops a 2016 Range Rover Sport containing
Spin and Blair Winstead-Hamilton and their children Seraphina and Atticus
near their winter cabin.  

"I can't even afford Uber," complained Schlipper as she helped her cat Dickens groom himself. "Yet these fat cats get a ride on the taxpayers' dime."

Not so, testified Air Force Maj. Gen. Fauntleroy Bob, who, after ten minutes of badgering, finally acknowledged that, yes, his name does sound backward.

He testified that such air drops are paid for entirely by those being transported.  

"If some guy pays us $50K or so to perform a simple low-level extraction of his family over, say, Jackson Hole, that's less money that Joe and Jane Taxpayer have to pay," Bob said.    

No decision was announced, and before adjourning for the day to hit Red Robin for happy hour, Congressional members ordered subpoenas for Joe and Jane Taxpayer. 

TOO FAST FOR PAINT, SAYS BUGATTI...AND OTHER NEWS

CHIRON TOO FAST FOR PAINT

The carbon fiber body of the 2017 Bugatti Chiron will go without paint for at least the first year of production, the automaker reports.

"It's just too fast for the paint," said Bugatti spokesman Victor (pronounced "Veek-tor") Oneandateux.  During high speed testing, the paint blew right off the car, landing in very expensive little flakes on the track, which then had to be vacuumed up, he said.  

When asked why paint sticks to 600 mph jets but not the $2.5 million, 1500-horsepower supercar, Oneandateux threw his éclair at us and snarled, "Aller loin imbécile et me laisser seul!"

We don't know what that means, but with the word imbécile in the sentence, it probably isn't nice.  

BugAtti IS A REALITY -- WE HAVE PROOF!

Despite Volkswagen Group's denials, rumors about the existence of a smaller, less-expensive Bugatti called the BugAtti stubbornly keep popping up across the auto blogsophere.  

Recently, while visiting Hardshell, West Virginia, Parksplug reader Augie Constable photographed a prototype BugAtti that was parked at Hoist Castle, the former home of Prenable J. Flogoat, the man who coined the term Lightning Round.

Parksplug reader Augie Constable says he photographs only in black and white
because it "underscores the emotion manifested in the subject matter." Dork.
 

Little is known about the BugAtti (or Flogoat, for that matter) including which engine will power the two-tone roadster and whether it's built upon Volkswagen's MQB platform, which underpins pretty much every freaking thing in VW's portfolio save the Neoplan Cityliner tour bus.  

Hoist Castle is closed on Sundays.  

WHAT AUDI'S LOGO WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE HAD THERE BEEN A FAMILY FEUD

FIRST AUTONOMOUS SCHOOL BUS PULLED FROM SERVICE AFTER CHILDREN DROPPED OFF AT STRIP CLUB

Thirty kindergartners who thought they were going to an indoor play center were instead dropped off at what a school district official called a "gentleman's club" yesterday morning. 

The five-year-olds were aboard an experimental self-driving school bus--the only one of its kind--when an apparent malfunction caused the autonomous  bus to drive to the wrong location.  

"It was supposed to take them to the Laugh and Dance Club," explained district spokesperson Flaminia Sprig. "Instead, it dropped them off at a place called the Lap Dance Club. We feel terrible about it."  

According to Sprig, the problem appears to have been caused by an electronic failure. "Technicians discovered that some little jackanapes apparently spilled his Mango Melon SoBe on the inertial measurement unit, frying the hell out of it," she said, adding, "The little brats aren't supposed to bring any drinks on the bus."  

Sprig praised Ryder Forkhalter, the manager of the Lap Dance Club, who allowed the kindergartners to come inside until a second bus arrived to take them to the Laugh and Dance Club. "He was very nice. It was cold outside."

PARTIES VOW TO FIGHT JUDGE'S RULING IN ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY CUSTODY CASE

BOTH SIDES CLAIM VERDICT IS UNJUST

A judge presiding over a contentious and closely-watched Adopt-A-Highway custody case handed down his verdict today, to the dissatisfaction of both litigants.  

Chaz and Eeelie McFeely, who divorced in February, had both sought full custody over the three-mile stretch of Route 114 just north of the town of Linus Hat, however, judge Cleotus Pasternak ruled that the couple must split the highway 50-50.  

"Ms. McFeely is the legal adopter of the westbound lanes of the highway, and Mr. McFeely will have full custody of the eastbound side. Each will have full rights to the yellow stripe on their side of the roadway, but nothing past the inside edge of said stripe," explained court clerk Babababarbara Ann Yorkleton. 

"My side of the road gets tons more litter, including those big rig recap chunks," Eelie McFeely complained to the judge, while Chaz McFeely claimed that "her road sign has a taller post than mine." He also accused his ex-wife of tossing trash onto his side of the road. She countered that he urinated on her signpost.  

Eelie McFeely stands on her side of the roadway while Chaz McFeely picks up trash on his side.  A restraining order
forbids each party to cross the center line.  

Losing his patience with the bickering couple, Judge Pasternak warned they would be held in contempt and lose custody of the stretch of highway altogether if they didn't follow the terms of the ruling and stop harassing one another.  

"It's too bad," said Eelie McFeely. "We used to have so much fun together picking up everything from cans to dog s**t.  But he cheated on me with some stupid 20-year old bimbo who doesn't know a f*****g thing about highway cleanliness," she shouted as she threw a glass bottle at a passing Scion.  

WINNING RACE DRIVER UNABLE TO REMOVE SUIT DUE TO SEVERE OVERBITE

A driver who won a 250-mile stock car race yesterday was unable to remove his jumpsuit

Driver Skeeter Burlinger

following the competition due to his buck teeth, track officials said.  

Emergency responders attempted to help 28-year old Skeeter Burlinger by pulling upwards on the suit while he "looked straight down with his hands in the air," said track spokesperson Duckie Skupper. "But they still couldn't get it off--even after it was unzipped." 

According to Skupper, Burlinger has a pronounced overbite. "It's like he has a bear trap in his mouth," she said.  

When we asked Burlinger for comment, we couldn't understand his reply.  

DMV ACCUSED OF DEPLETING WORKFORCE OF CRANKY WORKERS

Ask any small business owner. Retaining good employees is difficult these days.  But many business people say the Department of Motor Vehicles is making it even more difficult by hiring away their most cantankerous workers.   

Donde Nivels, who owns a small hardware store specializing in left-handed sprinkler parts, said he recent lost a longtime employee to the DMV.

Buzz "Mr. Sprinkler" Fesserman standing outside the DMV.
"Don't call me that," he shouted at the photographer. "And
get the hell out of here before I knock you cold."

"We called Buzz 'Mr. Sprinkler'," he said, referring to 72-year old Buzz Fesserman.  "Not because of frequent urination issues, which he did have, but because he knew more about sprinkler systems than anybody." 

"He'd yell profanities at customers and passed gas when he coughed. Everybody loved him.  It's a shame. Now he's gone...working for the motor vehicle department," Nivels said, shaking his head.  

And Nivel's isn't the only local store to lose a staff member to the DMV.  At Tinkle's Scrapbook Shoppe just down the block, owner Tinkle Bettencourt tearfully spoke of a former employee, 65-year old             Carmelita Intestino.  

"She always smelled like Icy Hot," said Bettencourt, wiping her eyes. "She was grumpy and hated everybody, but she always showed up on time.  Then one day she said she was going to go hand out driver's licenses and she was gone."

"Now every time I smell Icy Hot I burst into tears," said a blubbering Bettencourt.  

PARKSPLUG'S NEW PRODUCT SHOWROOM

MotorMucil

New MotorMucil, with natural sillyum fiber, prevents fuel system blockages and keeps things flowing smoothly. The manufacturer also claims regular use can help prevent Irritable Throttle Syndrome. Available wherever engine laxatives are sold.   

The Star Sprinkler

Can't afford a Rolls-Royce but would love to have the Wraith's twinkling Starlight Headliner in your Plymouth Sundance?  You're in luck, Buck! 
The manufacturer of the Star Sprinkler claims the handheld device will project half-dozens of non-twinkling stars onto your vehicle's headliner.  

A clever combination of LED flashlight and a Moen polished-nickel shower head, the Star Sprinkler features four settings, including The Universe, Solar System, Meteor Shower and Nighttime Sky Over Carmi, Illinois.   

CHEST NEST RESTRAINT SYSTEM
The Chest Nest is an amusement park-grade restraint system for your car. The maker claims the device holds even the most squirmy occupant in place while traveling, then swings up and out of the way when you arrive at your destination.  

You must be at least this
tall to use the Chest Nest 

Always keep hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times. Remain seated until you arrive at your destination and vehicle comes to a complete stop.  

FIRST LOOK: THE 2017 PORSCHE PANERA!

SAME CAR, MORE BREAD

2017 Porsche Panera, shown here in optional Asiago Cheese Focaccia finish. Standard finishes include Ciabatta, Whole Grain and Tomato Basil.

NISSAN MAILS PARKSPLUG A CARDBOARD TUBE CONTAINING A ROLLED-UP TEASER PHOTO OF THEIR UPCOMING CROSSOVER

Nissan's next crossover, shown in the photograph below, is said to be an amalgam of the current Pathfinder and a future, much more curvaceous Juke. And, no, our source says it will most certainly will not be dubbed the Puke.  

An analysis of the photo indicates the crossover will be a swoopy-roofed, short-wheelbased, low-hooded, droop-chinned, bat-winged, large-tired, boomerang-lighted and turbine-wheeled two-row vehicle with abundant rear overhang.  The parchment-colored cardboard tube in which the photo arrived was round--as most tubes are--with a convenient easy-to-open end.  

Nissan's as-yet unnamed crossover will not be called the Puke, according to somebody.

RESTORATION JOB ON ONE-MILLIONTH CORVETTE "UNACCEPTABLE", SAYS MUSEUM

After more than 18 months, repairs have finally been completed on the one-millionth Corvette that was damaged after being swallowed by quicksand inside the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Kentucky. But rather than jubilation, the unveiling of the noteworthy sports coupe was met with profound disappointment.  

"It didn't turn out well," said museum spokesperson Royd Hemmer.  "We used a body and fender guy we found on Craigslist who said he was a Corvette expert. Obviously, that wasn't the case."  

The One-Millionth Corvette has returned to the National
Corvette Museum after 18 months of repairs

Hemmer explained that the museum saved "thousands" on the restoration because, "the guy works on cars in his backyard on nights and weekends." 

"To be fair, he did tell us from the beginning that he'd probably have to use some parts from other Corvettes and that he doesn't have a paint booth," said Hemmer. "At least he got all the sand and stuff out of it."  

STATE FARM ADDS "CONEHEAD SURCHARGE" TO CUSTOMERS' BILLS

Do you review the line-by-line charges on your monthly auto insurance statement?  Most most of us don't, but Radon McChutney, an alert Parksplug reader who hails from Corkle Forks noticed a $3.50 "Conehead surcharge" buried deep within her State Farm bill.  

We contacted the insurer for an explanation.

Radon McChutney noticed this Conehead surcharge on her monthly State Farm statement. She apparently
didn't notice, however, that she was charged twice for Property Damage.  Someone should tell her.  

"We are proud to feature Beldar and Prymaat Conehead in our advertising because they're representative of thousands of courageous immigrants who left their homes and fulfilled a dream of becoming proud American citizens," said State Farm spokesman Elfego Hingeman, adding, "Our customers are honored to unwittingly financially support such diversity in television programming." 

When we called McChutney back to relay State Farm's explanation, she said "Hello."  We then said, "hello." She said "hold on, I have another call." We're still holding on.  

CHEVROLET CHANGES NAME OF ITS SUBCOMPACT SPARK, ADDS MOWER ATTACHMENT

CHEVY HOPES NAME CHANGE TO SPECK WILL DIFFERENTIATE IT FROM LARGER SONIC

Chevrolet Speck with mower attachment

Chevrolet, who has been encountering significant buyer confusion between its two small cars, the Spark and the Sonic, have decided to change the name of the smaller vehicle.  

"We think Speck more appropriately describes the car and also better contrasts it with the larger Sonic," said Darling Sunderfugg, who actually doesn't work for Chevrolet but often conducts phony press conferences on the automaker's behalf.  

In addition to the new name, Chevrolet is also releasing a mower attachment for the Speck. 

"It snaps right on to the back of either the Spark or Speck and makes quick work of lawn mowing," said Sunderfugg. "It's a Chevy that mulches," she said, snorting as she chuckled.  

MERCEDES SL'S NEW REAR-FACING VIDEO MONITORS KEEP OTHER MOTORISTS ENTERTAINED

"IT'S A SILLY $8,500 OPTION THAT DOES NOTHING BUT SCREAM 'LOOK HOW RICH I AM!'" Jaguar F-Type owner Argus Duhasset

Pricey luxury roadsters are virtually stuffed with digital display monitors nowadays, the 2016 Mercedes-Benz SL included. 

Rear-facing video monitors mounted in the two-seat SL roadster's
headrests aren't visible to the car's occupants

But what's different about the Benz Sportlich Leicht's video screens is that, other than the one in the center of the dashboard, neither of the two occupants can see them.  That's because the two rear-facing wide-screen monitors are mounted in the back of the driver and passenger seat headrests.

"Like some other available options, such as the illuminated Mercedes-Benz logo, it serves the purpose of communicating to others the owner's station in life," explained Mercedes spokesperson Umlaut Schmidt, whose real name is Gladys Sanchez.  

Others, however, disagree. "It's dangerous," said Benno D'Ognard, a self-described performance artist who was walking by on wooden stilts and sporting pierced love handles. "Other drivers will tailgate you for miles just so they can watch the movie."  

Once again, Hyundai declined to comment.

HYENA EATS HYUNDAI SONATA HEADREST AT DRIVE-THROUGH WILD ANIMAL PARK

A 90-pound hyena named "Bub" ate a headrest off a late-model Hyundai yesterday at a drive-through 

habitat for retired hyenas.  

"This is exactly why we always tell folks to keep their windows closed," said Maynard Phlegming, the manager of the How "Bout Them Hyenas? wild animal park that lies about five miles one direction or another outside of Chueystoke. 

Bub with Sonata headrest

"Hyenas love leather--especially from them Korean cars for some reason--and this is what happens when people don't follow directions," said Phlegming.    

The rear seat passenger was reportedly trying to coax the hyena to move toward the car by holding a ham sandwich out the open window.  

"The fella apparently wanted to take

one of them selfies with Bub," explained Phlegming. "But Bub snatched the headrest instead."

"It certainly could have been worse," said Phlegming. "He could have snatched that damned ham sandwich. But people don't think about that," he said, shaking his head.     

Hyundai did not return a call requesting comment.  

PARKSPLUG HEADLINES

EV CHARGER RAGE A GROWING PROBLEM IN SILICON VALLEY

Police say complaints about so-called "Electro Hogs" are on the rise, along with reports of vandalism.  

One Tesla owner complained to police that the driver of a Nissan Leaf damaged his car while forcibly unplugging it, claiming, "He bent my prongs." 


FIRST LOOK:  RAM'S NEW TERA CAB!

"Bigger is better," was Ram's mantra back in 2006 when the Mega Cab debuted. The 22-inch cab stretch proved to be so popular that Ram has now skipped right over "Giga" to bring to market the Tera Cab.  

The 48-inch stretch provides Checker Aerobus-like rear passenger space, says Ram. Regrettably, the four-foot bed will only hold a 4 X 8 sheet of drywall if you break it in half.  

Ram's 2016 Tera Cab 2500 pickup barely fits on this page

FIRST, THE GUY WHO FIXES YOUR CAR WENT FROM BEING A 
MECHANIC TO A TECHNICIAN. NOW HE WANTS TO BE 

REFERRED TO AS "DOCTOR"

Augie Wendling, who refers to himself as "Dr. Augie," is spearheading the "Doctor" campaign.

"We're doctors for cars, right?" he asked rhetorically, and, we have to say, 

more than just a little bombastically

4 INDICATIONS THAT YOU'RE A PORTLAND DRIVER

ONE:  While Ubering to the community vegetable garden, your driver is forced to thread his way between a guy walking his therapy micro pig on a leash and a dozen nude protestors dangling from ropes off an overpass.

TWO:  While getting into your vehicle, you accidentally impale yourself with the wooden stick protruding from a Voodoo Doughnuts "voodoo doll" that you inadvertently left on the seat.

THREE:  You have two Volvo PV544's.  One has been converted to electric power and the other runs on organic virgin hemp oil.

FOUR:  The car you're driving is registered to a feral cat doula named Pheather who sometimes lives in a yurt in the vacant lot next door. While she seems friendly, she's been rendered unintelligible by her nine tongue studs made from fossilized tree sap.  

"IT'S NOT FISH-LOOKING ENOUGH" REPLIES FORD WHEN ASKED WHY CURRENT TAURUS ISN'T SELLING

Ford wants to recapture the Taurus's
"fish years," like this 1999 model

A top Ford spokesman today told automotive reporters and a school nurse who acknowledged being in the wrong conference room that the reason the current Taurus isn't selling well as that, "It isn't fish-looking enough."  

"We had great sales numbers when the car resembled a fish," said Lyle Sturm. "Our mission now is to hire some great designers who can draw fish; perhaps an Art Center graduate who minored in ichthyology."    

CRASH VICTIM'S ADVICE: USE CAUTION WHEN BUYING A USED DRIVER TRAINING CAR

COMBINATION OF PASSENGER SIDE BRAKE PEDAL AND WIFE'S RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME "WAS A DISASTER," HE SAYS

Searching craigslist, Knurl McFaskett of Doughboy Springs happened across a discussion forum for atheist discount coupon traders. But that wasn't what he was looking for.  

"I hadn't even had a chance to peel off the  'student driver' 
stickers yet," said Malibu owner Knurl McFaskett

"I was actually shopping for a good, late-model used car for a bargain price," said McFaskett, a retired flyweight Sumo wrestler.  "That's when I saw the listing for the Malibu."

The 2008 Chevrolet had served since new as a driver training car, and at just $7,500, McFaskett knew a good deal when he saw one and purchased the vehicle. 

Like many driver training cars, McFaskett's Malibu was equipped with a second brake pedal in the passenger-side footwell.  

"I figured I'd eventually get around to removing it," he said before admitting, "I should have done it right away." 

You see, McFaskett's wife Urina Mae suffers from restless leg syndrome, which caused her to repeatedly but inadvertently slam on the car's brakes, he said.  

"We've been rear-ended, oh, eight or ten times, I suspect," said McFaskett.  "I finally stopped fixing it."  

Asked what advice he would give to someone considering the purchase of a used driver training car, McFaskett replied, "Just take out that damned second brake pedal.  And do it right away."