PARTIES VOW TO FIGHT JUDGE'S RULING IN ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY CUSTODY CASE

BOTH SIDES CLAIM VERDICT IS UNJUST

A judge presiding over a contentious and closely-watched Adopt-A-Highway custody case handed down his verdict today, to the dissatisfaction of both litigants.  

Chaz and Eeelie McFeely, who divorced in February, had both sought full custody over the three-mile stretch of Route 114 just north of the town of Linus Hat, however, judge Cleotus Pasternak ruled that the couple must split the highway 50-50.  

"Ms. McFeely is the legal adopter of the westbound lanes of the highway, and Mr. McFeely will have full custody of the eastbound side. Each will have full rights to the yellow stripe on their side of the roadway, but nothing past the inside edge of said stripe," explained court clerk Babababarbara Ann Yorkleton. 

"My side of the road gets tons more litter, including those big rig recap chunks," Eelie McFeely complained to the judge, while Chaz McFeely claimed that "her road sign has a taller post than mine." He also accused his ex-wife of tossing trash onto his side of the road. She countered that he urinated on her signpost.  

Eelie McFeely stands on her side of the roadway while Chaz McFeely picks up trash on his side.  A restraining order
forbids each party to cross the center line.  

Losing his patience with the bickering couple, Judge Pasternak warned they would be held in contempt and lose custody of the stretch of highway altogether if they didn't follow the terms of the ruling and stop harassing one another.  

"It's too bad," said Eelie McFeely. "We used to have so much fun together picking up everything from cans to dog s**t.  But he cheated on me with some stupid 20-year old bimbo who doesn't know a f*****g thing about highway cleanliness," she shouted as she threw a glass bottle at a passing Scion.