DOCTOR OFFERS TIPS FOR BIRD-FLIPPING DRIVERS WITH CARPAL TUNNEL

Wink Packard, a carpal tunnel
patient, demonstrates exercise

As many as 80% of Dr. Sanka Belcher's patients are chronic bird-flippers suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome.  "Your hand and middle finger can only perform so many bird flips, and once you reach that limit, you're going to have problems," said Belcher.

But the prominent physician, who achieved his boyhood dream of becoming both a hand doctor and urologist, said Bird-Flipping Carpal Tunnel (BFCP) can be prevented.  "Many of my patients are devastated because they think they're going to have to stop flipping off other drivers, but that's hardly ever the case," said Dr. Belcher.

He recommends that three times a day, chronic bird flippers perform the old rhyme, Here is the church and here is the steeple.  Open the doors and see all the people, while interlocking and twisting the fingers.  "Also, putting your thumbs in your ears and repeating 'nyahh, nyahh' five or six times while wiggling your fingers is a good muscle strengthening exercise," claims Belcher.  "Then, after your exercises, always soak your hand in a saucepan filled with warm pudding to relax the muscles and joints."  Dr. Belcher claims his techniques have changed his patients' lives.  "They're so happy and excited they flip off my receptionist and everyone in the waiting room on their way out," he chortled.

PARKSPLUG TRACKS DOWN ORIGINAL MUSTANG MODEL

50 years ago, Dichondra Moot would have no way of knowing she was posing with what would become one of America's iconic automobiles.  But there she was, grasping a surfboard on the beach next to a 1965 Ford Mustang convertible.  "I thought it was just another modeling assignment," she told Parksplug.  "Little did I know."

50 years ago:  Model Dichondra Moot poses with the new Mustang

Last week, Parksplug caught up with Moot, who now works as a livestock masseuse in 

Abner Plains, Wyoming.  "My friends think I should go back into modeling," she told us, 

"but I donated my surfboard to the local food bank five years ago."   

Now:  Dichondra Moot poses sans-surfboard with her 1986 Jeep Comanche pickup

DEMENTED MECHANIC ARRESTED FOR IMPROPERLY FLASHING ECUs

A customer took this photo of technician
Garmisch Plecker reflashing an ECU

A local automotive technician was arrested yesterday after a customer observed him "half-naked" flashing a car's engine control unit (ECU).   According to police, 40-year-old Garmisch Plecker was taken into custody on one charge each of indecent exposure and annoying an Acura.

"There's a right way and an immoral way to reflash a car's ECU," said police spokeswoman Midol Winchell, who resembles a young Bruce Dern.  "And the way he did it ain't right."

Police said Plecker's abnormal flashing process was observed by a customer who arrived early to pick up his Acura Integra.  "He's a sick man," said 28-year-old Caster Lamprey, who later acknowledged that his Integra, "has never run better."

NEXT BIG TRANSPORTATION TREND? PERSONAL TUNNEL BORING MACHINES

Dr. Winnie Lee Festite is a transportation futurist, a person who makes predictions about how people and things will move about in the future, and when asked about the next personal transportation trend, she doesn't hesitate.  "Personal tunnel boring machines," she said confidently.  In the 1950's, everyone thought we'd be piloting flying cars by now, but the technology just isn't there yet.  That's not the case with PTBMs," she claims.

Personal TBMs like this one might
become popular in the future

Festite believes four to six passenger tunnel boring machines will occupy 70% of American garages within fifteen years.  "Well, maybe not IN the garage;  why take up valuable space? Just burrow underneath the garage and park it there," she said, choking and spitting up saltine cracker fragments as she laughed at her own wisecrack.

TBMs will offer other advantages, too, said Festite.  "No traffic--if the freeway is clogged, just dig your own route.  Plus, imagine the fun and excitement when you return to the surface to see where you are." It should be noted that Dr. Festite recommends always calling the Call Before You Dig hotline before leaving home.  

ROMANTIC TRIANGLE INVOLVING TWO ASSEMBLY LINE ROBOTS AND FEMALE COWORKER LEADS TO FIRINGS

Two assembly line robots and their human coworker were fired today after they were reportedly involved in a romantic triangle that plant officials claim led to ongoing fights and arguments.  "It definitely created a hostile work environment," said fellow employee Gordie Knusterbunk, who asked not to be identified.

Plant officials identified the involved parties as (from left)
T-9840 Nut Tightener, Biloxi Durward, and a C-2200
Laser-Eyed Fender Welder

According to officials at the Fetor River auto manufacturing facility, the woman, 37-year-old Biloxi Durward, was dating both robots at the same time.  "That led to a big fight," Knusterbunk stated.  "The smaller robot was dismounted and ended up on the ground in a pool of hydraulic fluid.  It was horrible."

A plant spokesman said criminal charges are pending against the larger robot, identified only as a T-9840 Line Nut Tightener.  "I think the big one was jealous because Biloxi was spending more time with the Laser-Eyed Fender Welder," said Knusterbunk.

OWNERS OF WRECKED KIAS CLAIM SOUL LIVES ON AFTER DEATH

Does the Soul continue to exist after death?  Narvel Dortz, whose Kia was crushed by a mysterious block of blue ice that fell from the sky, never thought so until a few days after his car was destroyed.  "I awoke in the middle of the night to see my old Kia Soul hovering in front of my bed.  It was spooky.  It was kind of a ghostly white color, which was weird because the original paint color was Alien Pearl Metallic," said Dortz.  "I think it came to say goodbye."

Apparition of Narvel Dortz's departed
Kia Soul appeared in his bedroom

Paranormal investigator Loonis Hyphen McGue has investigated at least a dozen such cases involving Kia Souls.  "The Soul definitely lives on after the physical car is gone," she said, an assertion that brings comfort to Dortz.  "I can move on now; I know my Soul is watching over me," he said.  "Just before it faded away, it beeped and flashed it's headlights at me."  

MAN SNEEZES WHILE BREATHING INTO DUI IGNITION INTERLOCK, BLOWS OFF DASHBOARD KNOBS

"I'm lucky I wasn't killed," said Will "Bill" Hill, shaking his head.  After Hill was arrested last year for

driving under the influence, he was required to install an ignition interlock device on his car.  Before he can start the car, Hill must exhale into the dashboard-mounted device.  If he has consumed alcohol, the car won't start.

Arrow shows distinctive bruise on Hill's face
from projectile-like ventilation button (inset)

It's a drill he's performed dozens of times, but yesterday, as he sat in his driveway getting ready to leave for work, he inadvertently sneezed as he blew into the interlock, causing a barrage of dashboard knobs to pummel his face.

"It was like a meteor shower.  The volume button hit my nose, and the A/C button chipped my front tooth.  But the worst was the ventilation button," he said, pointing to a red mark on his right cheek that clearly mimics the markings on the button itself.  "Everybody thinks it's funny but me," said Hill.  "What if it never goes away?"  

DRIVER AND HIS LAP DOG BOTH CITED FOR SPEEDING

A downtrodden Squirts Feezle shows
the speeding ticket he received

Squirts Feezle will have his day in court.  The five-year-old Labrador Retriever mix and his owner, Curtis Feezle, were stopped by police early today and both were ticketed for speeding.  "Squirts was sitting on my lap.  We were probably going too fast," Curtis acknowledged.  "But I don't think both of us should have been cited. I was in the driver's seat, but Squirts was driving, not me.  It's too bad.  We had just gone to Petco to bark at cats and had a great time, but these citations really put a damper on the day."

According to police officer Carver Starch, neither Curtis nor Squirts Feezle would admit to driving the car, which was allegedly traveling at nearly 50 miles per hour in a 35 zone.  "The dog was in the guy's lap, but I wasn't sure who was driving, so they both got tickets.  The judge will just have to sort it out."

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

Top scoring Volvo in
60mph crash test

NO DAMAGE!  VOLVO GETS TOP SCORE IN 60 MPH CRASH SAFETY TEST
Insurance Institute says vehicle wasn't even scratched in 60 mile per hour crash into barrier, although crash dummy's head separated and was later found inside the facility's lunchroom.

HONDA DROPS ODYSSEY VACUUM CLEANER 
CREVICE ATTACHMENT AFTER RECEIVING HUNDREDS OF PRACTICAL JOKE
COMPLAINTS FROM PASSENGERS
"It's funny until it happens to you.  Someone always winds up crying."
Honda spokeswoman Yodle Louie

NEW COURSE TEACHES DRIVERS OF LARGE SUVs HOW TO USE TURN SIGNALS

FACTORY FIVE TO RELEASE MERCURY GRAND MARQUIS KIT

Although best known for their built-it-yourself Cobra kits, Massachusetts-based Factory Five says their goal is to serve all types of customers.  To that end, the company is releasing their latest kit, a replica Mercury Grand Marquis.  "We think the early 70's models were the best looking, so we modeled our fiberglass shells off those," said Marketing Director Biff Twooey.  "Our customers in their 70's and 80's really like the vinyl roofs and whitewalls, and no other manufacturer is currently serving that market," he said.  "We have four or five guys a week bringing in their Social Security checks to make a down payment."

Factory Five's Grand Marquis during the
construction process

According to Twooey, "Three or four hardy seniors should be able to complete the car in two to four years, including taking time out for naps and watching Murder, She Wrote reruns."  The basic Grand Marquis kit retails for $18,995, and options include plastic seat covers and a windshield-mounted compass.

CAR DEALER ADDS CHARGE FOR COFFEE AND COOKIES TO WINDOW STICKER

"They apparently thought no one would notice it if they used small print.  I'm pretty sure I'm outraged." Customer Ying Ling Barker

Local auto dealer Packy Pfunderthunt had built up a loyal customer base over the 40 years he's been in business.  

But now at least three of those customers say they're outraged and may never come back after the dealership began adding a small charge for supposedly free coffee and cookies in the showroom.  

"Three bucks for coffee and Pecan Sandies?  That's outrageous.  I get them for free at my bank," complained 72-year-old F. Bob Noimann, who was warming his feet in front of the dealership's electric fireplace.

Asked to justify the additional charge on vehicle window stickers, Pfunderthunt, who was in the bathroom at the time, shouted, "Hold your horses, I'll be out in a minute!"  He was still in there when we reached our deadline.  

AAA: DID YOU FORGET TO CHANGE OIL VISCOSITY AT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME?

We couldn't find a file photo of a
clock or container ofmotor oil and had 
to use this picture of a sandwich instead

AAA is admonishing vehicle owners that it's been more than a month since Daylight Savings Time began, which means it's also time to change your car's engine oil viscosity.

"Millions of motorists change their clocks but forget about their oil," said AAA spokesperson Stuey LeMunk.

As an example, LeMunk said owners who use normally use SAE 5W-20 motor oil during the winter, should have "sprung upward" to 10W-30 when setting their clocks forward last month.  

"It's very important," claimed LeMunk, "as not doing so can negatively affect your vehicle's engine timing. Just remember the phrase, 'Spring up and fall down'," he recommended.

MAGNETIC SIGN ASSOCIATION DECRIES FORD'S ALUMINUM-BODIED F-150

Magnetic sign
association spokesman
Jesus Wang tears up
at press conference

At a news conference today, a spokesman for the nation's largest magnetic sign association alleged that, "Ford is out to kill the magnetic sign industry with their new aluminum F-150 and someone needs to do something about it."  

Magnetic Sign Guild spokesman Jesus Wang explained that aluminum is nonmagnetic and "those magnificent signs featuring smiling realtors and leafy Herbalife ads just won't stick to it." 

Wang broke down in tears and had to be led away from the podium, but returned after resting and blowing his nose.

Magnetic signs:
A thing of the past?

When one reporter asked Wang if an aluminum vehicle would use less fuel than a steel-bodied one, Wang roared, "Well, that don't matter if all those plumbers and Merry Maids don't have jobs because their signs don't stick!"  

Asked for comment, Ford spokesperson Chiclet Donahoo stated, "Maybe they could just tape the sign on the truck."

ACURA TO MERGE MDX AND RDX IN 2016

Anonymous source

An anonymous Acura source is reporting that the morphing of the company's TL and TSX models into the 2015 TLX is just the first of several such unions to occur in the next five years.

"It's alphabet soup.  There are too many similar models with confusing names--ILX, TSX, TL, RLX and so on.  Even worse, there's only one vowel in the entire lineup; that's the I in ILX.  We need more vowels, or at the very least a 'sometimes Y'," he said.

According to the source, who was difficult to hear due to the cardboard box filled with styrofoam peanuts he wore on his head to protect his identity, the next phase will combine the MDX and RDX sport utilities to create the MRDX.  

"We reminded the boss that people called the Toyota MR2 'Mr. Two', and that MRDX could be a lot worse than that, but I don't think he got it."

MEET AL CANTARA, THE MAN BEHIND THE MATERIAL

You're undoubtedly aware that Alcantara is a leather-like material used by many automakers to cover seats, steering wheels, dashboards and other interior components.  But chances are, you've never heard of Aloysius "Al" Cantara, the material's developer.  Parksplug recently interviewed Cantara at his 200-acre ranch near Buenos Aires named Rancho Cerca de Buenos Aires.

Al Cantara (file photo)

PP:  What is an Alcantara?

AC:  An Alcantara is a three-legged animal that we breed and raise here at the ranch.

PP:  Three-legged?

AC:  Yes, it reduces our footprint.  We like to say that we care about the environment.

PP:  I like to say that, too.  (both laugh)  What does an Alcantara look like?

AC:: Similar to a three-legged harbor seal with a cute face and a tail like a snowshoe hare's.

PP:  Hmmm.  I can't seem to picture that.  Are these free-range animals?

AC:  Oh, no.  Alcantaras need structure, otherwise they get into mischief like tearing out fencing and smoking cigarettes.

PP: You use their hide for the upholstery?

AC: Yes, they molt several times a year according to their Wikipedia page.

PP:  So they just turn into a gelatinous blob?

AC: Molt, not melt.

PP: Oh.

BMW TO SUPPLEMENT OLD BLUE-AND-WHITE LOGO WITH ACTUAL SPINNING PROPELLER

BMW's optional spinning propeller.  The company recommends waiting
until it stops spinning to open the hood

Despite the fact it's a myth that BMW's iconic blue and white logo represents a spinning propeller, the company has decided to offer an optional spinning propeller embedded into their cars' hoods.  

"It looks cool, don't you think?" asked BMW designer Hartmut Schweegenscheimer. "Plus, it helps with engine cooling," a claim he made while rubbing the remaining nub of his pinky finger, severed by the propeller when he opened the hood without allowing the blade to spool down.

According to sources, BMW will charge $1,800 for the propeller option, plus another $600 for red and blue painted prop tips (shown above).    

SCIENTIST CLAIMS CUTTING INTO AUDI RINGS REVEALS CAR'S HISTORY

An Audi ring (left) after the outer
layer has been removed 

"Remember, measure twice, cut once," admonished Dr. Weaver Stignit as he carefully guided the four adjoined metal rings from an Audi grille through a specially-made saw.  Removing the top layer of aluminum revealed darkened concentric rings like those inside a tree trunk. "This old Audi had a tough life," Stignit said as he leaned over to study the rings.

 Weaver Stignit was once a dendochronologist, a person who studies tree rings.  But one day about ten years ago, on a lark, he removed the four rings from the front end of his boss's Audi A6 and ran them through a table saw.  "That day, I went from being a dendochronologist to being an Audichronologist. An unemployed Audichronologist," he said.  

"Measure twice, cut once" is the
first rule of Audichronology
claims Dr. Weaver Stignet

"This car was about 25 years old," said Stignit, pointing at the rings.  "Probably an Audi 80."  

Then, pointing to a dark area near the top of one ring, he explained, "It also sat in the sun a lot."  Stignit also determined that the car was driven mostly around town, with little freeway driving.  "At least it didn't have root rot," he laughed.   

RELATED STORY:  AUDI TRIES TO MAKE ITS CARS EASIER TO TELL APART BY LINKING NUMBER OF GRILLE RINGS TO MODEL NAMES

A2 Grille

2016 Audi A1 Grille

Acknowledging that it can be difficult for some to tell its cars apart, Audi officials today announced new Audi logos will reflect the car model.  

For example, European market Audi 1 will have only one ring in the grille, while the flagship A8 will feature eight rings.  The change will debut on 2016 model cars.

A8 Grille

DRAG RACE STYLE STARTING LIGHTS TO REPLACE TRADITIONAL TRAFFIC LIGHTS

"WE THINK IT'LL MOVE TRAFFIC ALONG FASTER AND ALSO BE A LOT MORE FUN FOR MOTORISTS" Traffic Engineer Gert B. Choskey

A silver sedan (left) beats a black SUV off the line at the corner of
Fiss and Ipswich Streets near downtown

TRAFFIC TEETH DENTISTRY BECOMING A LOST ART

Dr. Yves Howdie fills a large rusty cavity in a traffic tooth
at the entrance to Hemlock Acres County Park

Dentist Yves Howdie gently maneuvers his drill around the back of the large steel traffic tooth.  

"See all this gravel and road tar buildup?  We'll remove it and then sharpen the tooth," he explained before inadvertently lacerating his own thigh with the spinning drill.  "And like I always say, bad traffic teeth lead to bad traffic problems."

For more than 30 years, Dr. Howdie has been the only dentist taking care of the county's traffic teeth, which can be found at the entrances to many parking lots and garages, as well as the county park.  

"I used to work on people," said Dr. Howdie, "but my patients' saliva made me sneeze and I got tired of buying People magazine for the waiting room.  Do you know how much that costs?  It's criminal.  Now I work outside and I love it."  

Dr. Howdie describes scenes such the one above
as "my office."  

But Dr. Howdie worries about who will take care of the local traffic teeth once he retires.  

"My rhomboid is warped and I have permanent dimples in my kneecaps from kneeling in gravel all day long, so I don't know how much longer I can go on."

While Howdie would like to see dental schools add more traffic teeth programs to their curriculums, he says, "I don't see that happening, unfortunately."

"Without a dentist to work on the traffic teeth, it'll be left to the guys in Public Works. They're nice guys, but they can't even take care of their own teeth," said Howdie.  

SPACE NEWS: ORION'S BELT ON LAST HOLE

SCIENTISTS ABOARD AIRBORNE OBSERVATORY BLAME OBESITY EPIDEMIC 

Orion's Belt, part of the constellation Orion, has expanded to the point that it's down to its last hole, said astronomer Dr. Huang O'Flaherty.  

Addressing members of the International Conference of Astronomers yesterday, O'Flaherty said, "Good morning.  Thank you for coming today."  

Then, he went on to tell the audience that Orion's Belt has expanded so much there's no more room.  "The stars are bulging over the belt and there aren't any more holes," he said.    

Artist-enhanced photograph of the
enlarged Big Dipper with old,
faint outline underneath

Astrophysicists claim obesity is to blame for the deformation of the cluster of stars.  "There's little mankind can do," O'Flaherty explained.  "I mean, it's not like we can take an ice pick to make another hole in the belt."  

He also stated Orion's Belt is not the only star cluster that has grown fatter.  "Have you seen the Big Dipper lately?  It looks like a baked potato with a straw stuck in it.  So much for heavenly bodies."  

TRADITIONAL LIBRARIES TURNING TO ADULT BOOKMOBILES TO BOOST MEMBERSHIP

Septum County's new $300,000 bookmobile

While many traditional libraries are experiencing dwindling membership numbers, others are thriving, thanks to a new twist on an old tradition.  

Bookmobiles, which were once common, have faded away due to increase costs and declining popularity, and are rapidly being replaced by new adult bookmobiles.

"We were skeptical when we started our first adult bookmobile route two years ago," said Septum County Library Director Dichondra Mellenkamp.  "But it's been great for business.  The number of female patrons remained static, but our male membership has jumped 800-percent!  The old bookmobiles were usually old school buses, but now we have a $300,000 coach with hundreds of books, videos and an private movie lounge area."

Adult bookmobile
patron "Vince"

Parksplug spoke with one patron, who identified himself only as Vince, as he stepped out of the bookmobile carrying a plain paper bag.  "I like it," he said.  "I borrowed two books and bought a...uh...novelty.  You can't borrow those, you have to buy them."  

Vince asked us not to publish his photograph (left) and then slipped away into a darkened alley.  
  

PSYCHOLOGIST CLAIMS DRIVING FREE LOANER CAR LEADS TO SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES

Unidentified driver tries to cover his face while driving loaner car

A prominent mental health expert advises customers to think twice before taking advantage of an auto dealership's free loaner car.  

"It seems like a great deal," said psychologist Dr. Frostrane "Frosty" DelVecchio, "but these mobile billboards, as I call them, are so embarrassing to be seen in, many people suffer self-esteem issues as a result of driving them.  One patient of mine required six months of therapy after driving a loaner car for two days."  DelVecchio's advice?  "Either rent something from Enterprise or take the bus."

MAN CAVE CAR SOFAS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

Smart Car Sofa

Pontiac Aztek Sofa

ELON MUSK'S COMPANIES TESLA AND SpaceX COLLABORATE ON MODEL S EJECTION SEAT

Engineer Orchid Platt recently escaped injury
when she separated from the ejection seat
during testing.  

Two of Elon Musk's companies, automaker Tesla and rocket manufacturer SpaceX are said to be in the final testing phase of an ejection seat for the Model S.  

"This will be a feature offered by no other automaker," said Tesla spokesperson Epiphanie Moot.  "We believe it will be especially popular with carpoolers, as it really speeds up the dropping-off process."

Tesla hopes to offer the seats within six months, although Moot acknowledged engineers were still working out some bugs.  "During our last test, the ejectee separated from the seat.  She was woozy, but okay."

COMMUTERS COMPLAIN ABOUT SWEDISH DAY LABORERS BLOCKING TRAFFIC NEAR IKEA STORE

A man who identified himself only as Haldor
approaches traffic in front of the Ikea store.
"I need work. I build boats," he said.  

Police are cracking down after receiving complaints from motorists about a large group of Swedish day laborers that approach drivers stopped at the red light in front of the Ikea store.  

"I know they're just looking for a job," said motorist Bucolia Abisco, "but they walk right up to my car window holding a carpenter's axe in one hand and a mug of Bryggkaffee Mörkrost in the other.  They ask if I need any boats built.  It's scary."

According to Abisco, she reluctantly switched from Ikea to Bed, Bath and Beyond.  "But, I really miss my Skorpor Fullkorn every morning," she said forlornly.  

A BUNCH OF DIRT AND AN OLD SUBARU IS ALL THAT'S LEFT AFTER ENTIRE STATE OF OREGON FLEES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

STATE LEAVES NOTE SAYING IT "CAN'T TAKE LIVING ABOVE CALIFORNIA ANYMORE" 

All that remains:  Large patch of dirt
and '79 Subaru (not visible)

The entire state of Oregon disappeared sometime during the early morning hours yesterday, leaving behind nothing but 98,000 square miles of dirt and a 1979  Subaru Brat.  

While Oregon's current whereabouts are unknown, Kentucky wasted no time in expressing interest in moving to the newly vacant site between California and Washington state.  "We can get along with 'pert near anybody," said Kentucky Land Office Director Goby Lee Harkiss.  

Those interested in purchasing the Subaru should call the U.S. Department of the Interior at (202) 208-3801 and ask for Mary Lee Penhalligan.  

CAR WASH SAYS NEW PROZAC INTERIOR SCENT ALLEVIATES ROAD RAGE

Cilantra Sheets smiles following another
visit to the car wash

Like many motorists, Cilantra Sheets used to despise her commute.  "It seemed like everyone on the road was so angry. You know, tailgating and flipping off other drivers--it was crazy."

But a recent trip to the car wash changed everything for Cilantra.  "I had a rough day at work, and on the way home, some jerk tailgated me for miles.  I was really upset. Then I stopped at the car wash and the clerk suggested I try their new Prozac interior scent.  What a difference it made!"  

Cilantra now has her car washed so frequently, its red paint has been entirely worn away, leaving just a dull primer finish behind.  "It's okay, I love gray!" she said, blinking her glazed eyes.

ONE-INCH KEYSTONE PIPELINE APPROVED

One-inch Keystone XL
pipeline, shown here, will
deliver a couple of gallons of
crude oil per day

A compromise that will shrink the long-delayed 850-mile-long Keystone XL oil pipeline from 36-inches in diameter to just one inch has led to a green light for the project, according to government sources.

TransCanada's
T. Boone Wormley

“It's a win-win.  The oil company gets their pipeline and the environmentalists are happy,” said beaming White House spokesman Corky Velarde.

However, TransCanada, the company that will operate the pipeline, expressed disappointment with the agreement.  ”Jesus Murphy, instead of 830,000 barrels a day, we’ll be lucky to get a gallon through this measly pipe," said exasperated company spokesman T. Boone Wormley.  

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

PORSCHE GT3 OWNERS PROHIBITED FROM 
DRIVING ON NO-BURN DAYS

Dinan Isetta

BMW TUNER DINAN TO OFFER HIGH-PERFORMANCE ISETTA PARTS  

PLANS FOR BULLITT-EDITION FORD KA FOR EUROPEAN MARKET SCRAPPED

"Apparently no one there has seen the movie," said forlorn Ford of Europe spokeswoman Saltina Hoofnaugle.

CAUGHT ON CAMERA!  ASTON-MARTIN'S NEW
CENTER CONSOLE MOUNTED ATM
"That's way cooler than an infomercial screen."  Aston-Martin blogger Algernon Stignitt

Aston-Martin Rapide with center console ATM

THOUSANDS OF ANGRY CUSTOMERS SIGN PETITION DEMANDING THAT HOME DEPOT, "STOP HONKING THOSE DAMN FORKLIFT HORNS!"

POLICE ISSUE ALL POINTS BULLETIN FOR BANK ROBBERY GETAWAY CAR

OFFICERS SAY SUSPECT ESCAPED WITH HUNDREDS OF 
"NEXT WINDOW PLEASE" PLACARDS

Fuzzy surveillance photo of
suspect's Plymouth Breeze.
Courtesy of fuzzysurveillancephotos.com

Police are looking for a bank robbery suspect driving a late 90's Plymouth Breeze after the man allegedly stole approximately 120 "Next Window Please" placards from the First Clodpate Banque.  

Bank manager Libra-Fawn DeMedved told Parksplug, "Banque is pronounced bank, not bank-cue, you idiot."  She then went on to add that the bank was filled with customers when the unidentified robber entered.  "He had a simulated weapon and threatened to simulate killing all of us if we didn't lie on the floor," DeMedved said, sobbing.  "It was horrible--the floor was so dirty."

Police say a mask worn by the robber fell off during the robbery.  "It's one of those celebrity masks, maybe Michael Bublé," said Detective Mumbo Callister, who added, "We've sent it to the state crime lab to have it checked for DNA and nose prints."  Police are asking for the public's help in locating the Plymouth Breeze, the robber and Michael Bublé.  

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES:

GM RECALLS EVERY VEHICLE THEY'VE EVER BUILT...EXCEPT THIS ONE

------->

Some business owners complain that parking spaces
for the homely are located too close to buildings

BUSINESS OWNERS COMPLAIN THAT DESIGNATED PARKING SPACES FOR THE HOMELY ARE  TOO CLOSE TO BUILDINGS. 

"THEY NEED TO PARK FATHER OUT. THEY'RE SCARING OUR CUSTOMERS," SAID ONE MERCHANT.                               ----->

BAUSCH AND LOMB UNVEILS PRESCRIPTION WINDSHIELD

Prescription vs regular windshield:  Upper portion
of windshield features prescription glass; blurry
lower half does not.  Courtesy Bausch and Lomb

Bausch and Lomb's
Wañda Mañaña

Optical company Bausch and Lomb today introduced what they claim is the world's first prescription vehicle windshield.  "With this wonderful new product, drivers can leave their glasses at home," said Bausch spokesperson Wañda Mañaña.  

The company will offer a full line of prescription windshields, including bifocal, trifocal, quad focal and UV blockers.  

Bausch and Lomb declined to discuss pricing, but did note that vision insurance will pick up some of the cost of the prescription windshield.   

POUNDING ON BUTTON OVER AND OVER REALLY DOES MAKE THE "WALK" LIGHT CHANGE FASTER

Turns out that moron standing on the corner repeatedly whacking the button to change the crosswalk light was right.

According to a University of Puyallup research project, pushing the crosswalk button more frequently and with greater force actually does make the "walk" light change faster.  

"We were shocked," acknowledged Civil Engineering and Ancient Dialects professor Tapioca Barth.  "I see people kicking and hitting the button, and I always thought they were idiots.  I guess I was wrong."  

The project, funded by a $4,000,000 grant from the U.S. Department of Transportation, showed that forcibly hitting the button repeatedly reduced pedestrians' waiting time by an average of three yoctoseconds.