MOB ENFORCERS SAY TRUNK EMERGENCY RELEASE HANDLE KILLING THEIR BUSINESS

Glow-in-the-dark trunk release levers, first introduced in the 2002 model year, are credited with saving dozens of lives.  But not everyone is celebrating.  "This law has had a disastrous effect on what used to be a thriving industry," complained Frankie "Bones' Pietrobono, who described himself as a local businessman and "solutions provider."  

"Businessman" Frankie "Bones" Pietrobono
is anguished after discovering that a person he referred to as
"a trunk-based fellow carpooler" has vanished 

"I work hard to provide for my family," he said, "but these excessive and pointless regulations are hurting us little guys." One politician who is coming to the rescue of Pietrobono and others like him is Congressman Shick Molitor.  "Small businessmen like Frankie are the backbone of America," said Molitor, "and they need our help. I've already introduced a bill that would delete the glow-in-the-dark coating from the handle.  It's not a complete solution, but it's a start."

  

TIRE STORE USED COINS WITH SQUASHED GEORGE WASHINGTON HEAD FOR TIRE TREAD TEST, SAY POLICE

It's a simple test to determine if you need new tires: simply insert a quarter upside down into the groove.  The tread should cover at least part of George Washington's head; if not, you need new tires. But police say a local tire store used a counterfeit quarter in a ploy to increase sales. 

According to investigators, dozens of customers of Packy Sipes' World of Tires paid hundreds of dollars to replace tires that did not need replacement.  "With that squashed head, there's no way any tire could pass the quarter test," said detective Guster Horch.

Normal quarter (L) along with counterfeit coin

"It's just wrong," said Horch, holding up the fake coin.  "Look what they did to President Washington's head. He looks like a Neanderthal. We're talking about our first President; it's very disrespectful."  

The owner of the tire store, Packy Sipes, is no stranger to authorities.  Two years ago, he was convicted of misdemeanor moral turpitude after police found photographs of customers' lugnuts on his laptop computer.  

DRUNK MAN WELDS OLD RAMBLER MARLIN ROOF ONTO PORSCHE PANAMERA; NO ONE NOTICES

MY NAME IS PZEV: NAMING CHILDREN AFTER AUTOMOTIVE ABBREVIATIONS LATEST TREND

6-year-old Pzev Pinkus' first
name stands for "Partial Zero
Emissions Vehicle"  

Goodbye Jessica and Josh, hello Sulev and Abs.  While Jess and Josh might have topped the list of the most popular first names for girls and boys for nearly a decade, now they're not even in the top ten, said Dr. Munkle "Chuck" Weedamyer, an automotive sociologist at Tougaloo College.  

"The automotive-related abbreviations are really hot right now," said Weedamyer, "I have a male student named FWD, which is pronounced "Fwed," and Nhtsa has become quite fashionable for girls, except in those families who despise the government," said Weedamyer.  

Other popular auto-related names, according to Weedamyer, are Pzev, WOT, Abs and Tach for boys; and Chmsl, Gawr, and Pasm for girls.  "Sometimes the names are okay," said Weedamyer, "but I heard about twin girls named Ulev and Sulev, and parents who gave their daughter the unfortunate name of AWD.  That's just deplorable," said Weedameyer, shaking his head.  

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

It won't fly unless you unbolt it from the hood, reminds
hood ornament drone builder LoMar Bedanza  

Leavin' the hood:  
OLD HOOD ORNAMENTS TAKING TO THE SKIES AS DRONES

"Jet Head" drone is equipped
with a micro-jet engine

MERCEDES-BENZ REPORTEDLY FLUMMOXED BY AIRSCARF BELCHING ISSUES

"Ja, wir wissen nicht, warum die Luft verpesten."  

Monolingual Mercedes-Benz spokesperson Gretel Kammerdiener

Teaser photo of 2016 Buick BenGay 

WILL 2016 Buick BenGay COAX OLDER BUYERS BACK TO THE MARQUE?


ANOTHER NICHE!
BMW'S NEW XZ4xDrive28iSportsActivityTruckThing
All-terrain sports car gran turismo truck thing to debut in 2017; 
Three-cylinder, M and Alpina versions also on drawing board, someone claims.  

XZ4xDrive28i (etc.) test mule 

LAMBORGHINI'S NEW MOUTH APPLIANCE ASSISTS OWNERS WHO CAN'T PRONOUNCE "HURACÁN"

Say Oo-ra-kahn:  Lamborghini spokesman 
Michelangelo Firt demonstrates the 
LamboClamp pronunciation device

Lamborghini's supercars are stunning to look at and a blast to drive, but have names that can be challenging to pronounce. That includes the Italian automaker's newest model, the Huracán, as well as predecessors Gallardo and Murciélago, to name just three.  


But Lamborghini claims its new device, the LamboClamp, will have Huracán owners flawlessly pronouncing their car's name in minutes.  It's a lightweight, carbon fiber oral appliance that clamps to the wearer's face, perfectly positioning the lips and tongue for proper diction.  

During a demonstration, Lamborghini spokesman Michelangelo Firt affixed the dark gray clamp onto his face, splaying his lips and unveiling lower teeth the color of Corn Nuts.   "Oo-ra-kahn," he uttered provocatively, the word oozing from his clamped mouth like natural gas leaking from a brothel's water heater. 

"That's remarkable," said Huracán owner Spinner Joe Mucket.  "Until now, I've had to hook my index finger under my lower lip to pronounce it correctly, which is a pain.  And my fingers are really salty."    

Lamborghini is in the process of developing a
clamp for the Murcielago, a much more complex
task than the Huracan clamp was, say engineers

GOOGLE STREET VIEW PHOTO CAR DRIVES THROUGH VIAGRA SPILL

Google Street View car after
driving through Viagra spill

A One of Google's Street View camera cars is temporarily sidelined after it drove through a Viagra spill on the interstate north of downtown.  

According to police spokesperson Oodith Yoing, the powdered Viagra spilled when the truck carrying it rolled over after swerving abruptly to avoid a cigarette butt in the lane.

The Viagra coated the entire vehicle, including the camera mast, say police.  "Suffice it to say, it's not driveable," said Yoing.  "It's been over four hours and the mast is still, uh, extended.  I don't know whether to call a doctor or a mechanic." 

DOZENS OF CUSTOMERS COMPLAIN ABOUT BAD HAIRCUTS AFTER MOBILE BARBER VAN IS INADVERTENTLY PARKED ON CURB

"I DIDN'T NOTICE THE VAN WASN'T LEVEL.  I FEEL AWFUL."

Barber Scotty "Scooter" Skeets 

"This will take forever
to grow out," said a
tearful Marvin Hopner

Scooter 's Mobile Barber van sits askew with the driver's side
wheels on the curb.  "I didn't even notice it," claimed the owner

"Stupid bastard.  He ought
 to learn how to park.  I feel
like kicking his ass," said
irate customer Pippo Nicoletti

ASK PARKSPLUG: SHOULD I FILL MY TIRES WITH NITROGEN?

Dear Parksplug, 
I've ordered new tires for my Oldsmobile Firenza GT from a big box store.  I will also get a roasted chicken while I'm there.  The tire salesman said they would put nitrogen in my tires instead of air.  Is this a good idea?  
Inigo

Dear Inigo,
No!  Do not let them fill your tires with nitrogen.  Have you ever seen what happens to a banana when it's frozen with nitrogen and then struck with a hammer?  The banana breaks up into zillions of little pieces.  You don't want your tires to shatter into broken banana fragments, do you?  No, Inigo, nitrogen should only be used for frozen banana demonstrations on Youtube and freezing off warts. By the way, sorry about your father.  

Dear Parksplug,
When I turned in my leased Jeep Compass, they charged me $200 for excessive wear and tear.  I know what "wear" is, but what is "tear?"  

Also, the picture below, along with the headline, "Koenigsegg Teases New Supercar" appeared in my favorite car blog (not yours).  Do you have any information about this new supercar?
Blaine

Dear Blanche,
I know the blog you're referring to.  The staff members are all homely North Korean sympathizers who are addicted to over-the-counter antihistamines.  The photo depicts not a new Koenigsegg but, rather, a poorly drawn sketch of a seagull flying southwest.  Sorry, one question per reader.  

CAR SALESMAN GOES BERSERK AT BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION AFTER SHOUTING "HIP HIP" AND GETTING NO "HOORAY" IN RETURN

A 34-year-old car salesman was arrested last night after what began as a happy event–a birthday party for a colleague– turned violent.  According to an unnamed customer who was at the dealership to have his sparkplugs rotated, about 20 employees of Megalopolitan Ford-Kia-Husqvarna were celebrating service advisor Pengus Woochit’s 30th birthday.  

Police arrest salesman Wick Dooley
following dealership birthday party fracas

“They sang ‘Happy Birthday'," said the customer," and then one salesman shouted, ‘Hip Hip!’ but no one said ‘Hooray’ and he just went nuts.”

Police said the salesman, later identified as 34-year-old Wick Dooley, grabbed a cardboard
Se Habla Espanol sign and struck several colleagues with it and also set fire to a stack of odometer mileage disclosure forms.

Police arrived and arrested Dooley, who reportedly was despondent over his failure to meet his monthly corrosion protection sales quota.  “It was scary,” said the anonymous customer. “From now on, I'll be the first to yell 'Hooray'!”

FERRARI BOSS QUITS, LICENSES HIS NAME FOR EYE CHARTS

Just days after longtime Ferrari boss Luca Cordero di Montezemolo announced his resignation, he has disclosed that he will lend his name to the National Optometric Association for use as a doctor's office eye chart.  

New Luca Di Montezemolo
eye chart

“It's a welcome change," said NOA Director Dr. Iris Sclera.  “Patients were getting bored with lines like LPEDCEPFDZ and so on,” said Sclera.  

di Montezemolo disclosed that he resigned after Fiat chairman Sergio Marchionne insisted that Ferrari develop a model targeting wealthy hip-hop singers called the Ferrari La La La Ferrari, an order di Montezemolo refused to carry out.  

SCHOOL OFFICIALS ASK KEN BLOCK TO STOP DRIFTING WHEN DROPPING OFF HIS KID

Ken Block drops off his son at school Monday morning

The principal at Mary Louise Fagumbo High School has asked rally driver Ken Block to discontinue his practice of drifting around the school parking lot when dropping off his son, Chip, in the morning.  

"It's fun to watch, but it's a distraction for the students and it fills the building with tire smoke," said principal Newt O'Dool.  Block said he didn't realize he was causing a problem and won't do it anymore.  "I was just driving like I always do," he explained.  

MAZDA 3 GRILLE BRACES BECOMING MORE POPULAR

Dr. Buzzene Squeet is an automotive orthodonist, and for the past year, she has limited her practice to just one patient--the Mazda 3.  "The car has a very nice smile, but by applying braces, we can turn that into a beautiful smile,"claims Squeet, an energetic woman who cracks her neck in a very alluring way as she speaks.  Many Mazda 3 owners apparently agree, as her office parking lot is filled with the four and five-door compact cars. 

2014 Mazda 3 with braces 

The braces stay on for six months, explained Squeet.  That's long enough to correct the downward droop of the grille's horizontal bars.  "During that time, though, owners must floss the grille daily to remove squashed bugs and road tar," she admonished as she adjusted the grille rubber bands on a meteor gray 2014 four-door.  "But you wouldn't believe how pleased these little cars are when their braces come off," said Dr. Squeet as she smiled and cracked her neck.  

SOME POLICE DEPARTMENTS TRADE EX-MILITARY VEHICLES FOR LESS AGGRESSIVE MODELS

After widespread debate over whether public law enforcement agencies should acquire former military combat vehicles, at least one department is focused on projecting a less aggressive and friendlier image.  

Chief Bronnie Teetzle of the Stump River Police Department and Farm Supply proudly rested his hand on his newest acquisition, a former parking lot tram that will serve as a SWAT vehicle.  "Looks like a train, don't it?" he asked as he massaged the vehicle's faux smokestack.  

According to Teetzle, the "train" rests on a 1972 International Harvester Metro van chassis.  "Feller over near Cussnard Springs had it stored in his barn til the dry rot fungi ate up the barn," he explained.  "We traded him a police hat and a dartboard for it.  We can't wait to take it on a SWAT callout and wave to all the youngsters."   

NEW DEVICE ENSURES AN UNRULY TEEN WON'T RUIN YOUR FAMILY VACATION

Few things can turn a family driving vacation into a nightmare faster than a sulking, rebellious teenager in the back seat.  But makers of the CanTeen say their new product solves that problem.  "Simply secure the defiant teen inside the soundproof yet comfortable CanTeen capsule, and then sit back and enjoy the ride," marketing director Muffin Nooberhoff explained.

The company says while the CanTeen will fit in the back seat or cargo area of most larger cars or SUVs, the water heater-shaped capsule can also be strapped to the vehicle's roof rack.  "Although we don't recommend it, we've heard of parents who put their defiant teen in a CanTeen and then store it in a shed or the back of the garage until the kid is 24 or so," chuckled Nooberhoff.

BEST VEHICLES FOR THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

According to Cooking Light magazine,  four out of every 100 U.S. citizens--or about 
30 percent--are enrolled in the Federal Witness Protection Program.  For those individuals, choosing the right vehicle can be critical.  As a public service, Parksplug offers the following suggestions:  

YES

NO

______________________________________________________

MAYBE

NO
_____________________________________________________

YES

DEFINITELY NOT

IS THIS THE 2016 CHEVROLET ÜBERBAN?

There has long been talk that Chevrolet will produce the Überban, an extended-length version of the popular Suburban, but thanks to Parksplug photography intern and Lady Foot Locker assistant manager Biscuit Piscopo, we now have proof such a vehicle exists.  

Note drop-down tag axle--seen here in the raised position--in front of rear tire

The SUV, which has six side doors, is approximately 30-feet long, and appears to have a dump truck-style non-driven tag axle to increase the weight capacity.  

Piscopo photographed the Überban after it exited a fast food restaurant.  "It took up the entire drive-through lane from 'Order Here' to well past windows one and two," said Piscopo.  

NASA NEWS: LIFELESS MAJOR TOM FLOATS BY SPACE STATION WINDOW

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station said they were shocked this morning to discover the body of Major Tom drifting by outside their window.  

Major Tom as seen from
space station window

Russian cosmonaut Aleksander Petrok, who first noticed Tom going by, said the incident was unsettling.  “Я подумал, что это было прямое спутниковое телевидение, пролетавший,” Petrok said softly, shaking his head.  After being advised that no one had a clue what he had just said, he replied, “Sorry.  I said I was surprised when I saw him, although at first, I thought he was the DirecTV satellite going by again.” 

During his last radio transmission before disappearing in 1969 , Tom requested that flight controllers, “Tell my wife I love her very much.”  Controllers relayed the message to his wife Clovis, who reportedly nodded and said, “I know.”

WOULD ELVIS DRIVE...A BUIXUS?

If he was around today, what would The King of Rock and Roll drive?  Here at Parksplug, we were curious about that, too, so we contacted Dr. Custer Buspi, a professor at Kosciusko Institute of Transportation Studies and Poultry Science in Mississippi.

The Buixus

"Elvis would be 79 years old," said Buspi, a master of the hammered dulcimer, "so he would want something comfortable yet elegant.  He loved Cadillacs and other large, comfortable cars, but he wouldn't be interested in today's CTS or XTS."

Unable to identify an existing vehicle that might satisfy The King's tastes, Buspi directed his top student, 23-year-old Bulova DenDong, to design and build one.  Ten months later, the Buixus was unveiled.

"Lexus wasn't around when he died, but we think Elvis would have loved it for its luxury and reliability, so we started there and added big chrome bumpers and tall rear fins from a late 50's Buick, a velour interior and other items," explained the bobbed-nosed DenDong.

Sadly, the sole Buixus was destroyed during road testing when winds from a fierce haboob caught the tail fins and flipped the vehicle onto its top.  "Elvis would have loved it," whispered a melancholy Buspi.  

FORD CLAIMS NEW SUPER DUTY TOWS 356,800 OUNCES; GM, RAM JOIN THE FRAY

TOWING WARS HEAT UP ANEW AFTER FORD SWITCHES FROM POUNDS TO OUNCES

A war of weights has broken out again among the Big Three.  Ford fired the first salvo by listing the maximum towing capacity of its Super Duty pickup in ounces instead of pounds.  As shown in the 
graph below from Ford's new print and internet advertising, the automaker claims its F-350 DRW pickup can tow nearly 357-thousand ounces.   

Ford's advertising includes this graph comparing tow ratings

"Ford hauls over 356-thousand ounces," states the ad.  "Compare that to Chevy's 22,500 and Ram's measly 19,000 pounds.  Why buy a truck that tows thousands when Ford Super Duty tows hundreds of thousands?"  

Industry sources say GM will respond by claiming its Chevrolet and GMC one-ton models max out at just over 10,205,828 grams, while Ram will boast that its 3500 pickup can tow up to 4,309,127.52 carats.  

BUG ZAPPER GRILL TO DEBUT ON 2016 JEEP WRANGLER

Chrysler-Daimler-Cerberus-Fiat announced today that the 2016 Jeep Wrangler will become the first and only vehicle equipped with an electronic bug zapper grill.

2016 Wrangler with new bug zapper grill

"There's nothing worse than going off-roading with the top down only to end up covered in bug bites," said veteran Jeep engineer Balbo Franks, who smells like Icy-Hot.  "This new grill should easily incinerate a couple hundred bugs per mile," he claimed proudly.

Franks also confirmed the '16 Wrangler will feature an aluminum body, but denied rumors the name will change to Jeep Wrinkler.

GROUP OF SMALL-BREASTED WOMEN STILL ANGRY OVER 1950'S VW BUS TURN SIGNAL DESIGN

"It's cruel and demeaning.  How Volkswagen, after all these years, can still claim they weren't mocking women like me is a mystery."
Pee-Wee Peaks Club president Cashmere Yodart-Fickner, 67

2016 GM TRUCKS TO FEATURE EXTRA-LARGE RAMBOX-TYPE STORAGE BINS

UNDISGUISED SILVERADO TEST MULE FEATURING ENORMOUS "JumboX" CARGO MANAGEMENT SYSTEM CAUGHT ON CAMERA  

2016 Chevrolet Silverado equipped with huge new JumboX

Pickup buyers currently shopping for lockable, weather-proof side storage bins have just one option:  Ram.  But not for long.  General Motors is confirming the 2016 Chevrolet and GMC pickups will feature a similar option, except that GM claims its JumboX will be significantly larger than the Ram's bins.  

"Sure, you can store a couple of shovels, fishing rods and maybe some knitting supplies in a RamBox, but you can camp overnight in a JumboX and still have room for a spare transmission and a canoe," boasted GM spokesman Gallup Fong.    

At the same time, GM announced it is abandoning key-operated ignition switches, and the automaker is joining forces with small engine maker Briggs and Stratton to design a new lawnmower-type rope pull-start for vehicles.  

OXYGEN TANK LEAK ON HYDROGEN-POWERED AMBULANCE CAUSES FLOOD

Two parts hydrogen apparently combined with one part oxygen, creating a flash flood just south of Dick's Souffle Chalet on Beeker St. around noon yesterday.

According to Assistant Fire Chief Mickle Dipford, the surge of water resulted from exhaust from an experimental hydrogen-burning ambulance mixing with oxygen leaking from a tank aboard the vehicle.

"About 30-foot of Polly Ann Measle's fence got tore up, but nobody got hurt," said a relieved Dipford who picked his tooth gap with his left thumbnail.

PARKSPLUG IS ON A ROLL! CHEESY AUTOMOTIVE BLOG NOW AVAILABLE IN TWO-PLY TISSUE FORM

According to researchers who apparently have nothing better to do, 97-percent of automotive news is consumed in a bathroom setting, a statistic that heralds bad news for bloggers.  But the editors of the deplorable Parksplug site have introduced a print version specially made for the bathroom--a blog printed on a roll of toilet paper.    

"It's very exciting," gushed Parksplug spokesperson 
Tootsie Baskerville as she displayed a roll of 
Parksplug Number Two toilet paper.  "We came up with the idea after hundreds wrote in telling us just how full of #$&! our blog was.  Now they can also detest it while sitting on the toilet. The writing isn't very good but the perforations are crisp."  

Baskerville said the two-ply blog-on-a-roll will initially only be sold at Pep Boys and Plumbing Outlet stores, and will be available in three scents:  New Car, 90-Weight Gear Oil, and What's That Burning Smell?

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

ACTOR SAM ELLIOTT TO PROVIDE "EXHAUST SOUND" FOR NEW HARLEY-DAVIDSON ELECTRIC MOTORCYCLE

"A Harley that makes a whirring sound would just be wrong, so we recorded Sam saying potato, potato, potato over and over and we'll run that out a speaker mounted under the seat." 

Harley-Davidson Acoustical Engineer Buck "Potato" Puckett

SUBARU TO REPLACE ONCE-VAUNTED 

ACU-PRICK ACUPUNCTURE SEATS WITH MORE TRADITIONAL MASSAGING UNITS.

Action taken following owner complaints of little red back dots and occasional muscle twitch 

"No doubt about it, a thumb 

would have made the trip a 

lot faster and easier."

 Junior Yoogler

AFTER FOUR YEARS, MAN WITH NO THUMBS ACHIEVES GOAL OF HITCHHIKING ACROSS DELAWARE

"Most motorists didn't stop because, well, they couldn't tell I was hitchhiking.  Unfortunately, when someone did stop, a lot of times I couldn't operate the door handle."  

Thumbless Hitchhiker Junior Yoogler  

CONTROVERSIAL "SHROUD OF TORINO" TO GO ON DISPLAY

The Shroud of Torino 

The Shroud of Torino, the 46-year-old linen cloth that some believe bears the image of the first Ford Torino to leave the assembly line, will go on display next week at the Elk's Lodge.  Ford faithful believe the Shroud served as a car cover for the first 1968 Torino, while others claim it's a forgery.

"I've waited 25 years to see it," said 62-year-old blue oval fan Darvon Blix with tears in his eyes, adding, "I've owned seven Torinos."  Those who believe the relic is authentic point to carbon monoxide dating tests performed on the cloth that determined it was approximately 45 years old, while some scientists and dry cleaners disagree.  To date, the mystery of the Shroud remains unsolved.

For more information about the Shroud of Torino exhibition, call the Elk's Lodge and ask for Bunny.