HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

STATE OF VERMONT TO REPLACE ROAD SALT WITH MRS. DASH

The state of Vermont has decided to go salt-free.  On its roadways, that is.  "We used almost 110-thousand tons of salt on our roads last winter," said Vermont Department of Transportation spokesperson Leontine Fwop.  

"Too much salt causes high road pressure and harms wildlife," claimed Fwop, adding, "I've heard we have the saltiest muskrats in the northeast, and that's nothing to be proud of." State legislators will reportedly choose between Basil Garlic and Fiesta Lime flavors.   

PORSCHE'S NEXT TARGA EXCLUSIVELY FOR NBA PLAYERS

Next Targa (shown above) will only be sold
to NBA players, says Porsche

Porsche has confirmed it will target NBA players with its next Targa model to be released in the 2016 model year.  "So many NBA players like Porsches we decided to build a special model for them," explained company spokesman Dieter "Dub" Euleflügel.  

In addition to a raised windshield and Targa roof bar, the model will also feature less seat stuffing and larger footwells.  

NHTSA AND IIHS STAFFERS ARRESTED FOLLOWING BRAWL AT VEHICLE SAFETY CONFERENCE 

A police officer arrests IIHS employee
Castor Nitts after he allegedly struck
a NHTSA staffer with a roasted duck leg

Police arrested a half-dozen people yesterday afternoon after a fight broke out among attendees of a vehicle crash safety conference near downtown LaJunta.  Police spokesperson Bobolink Godwin said blows were exchanged between staff members of the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) and employees of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA).  

Police say the suspect used this
duck leg to assault another man

 According to waitress Magenta Geasley, the fight broke out just as lunch was being served on the patio.  "Two guys got into an argument over a female crash test dummy, and one guy hit the other one with a slow-cooked duck leg and dumped a plate of melon carpaccio in his lap."
  

Police said it's not the first time the two groups have clashed.  "At last year's conference, they fought over partial offset crash tests," said Godwin.