CAR BUFF'S STONEHENGE-LIKE MONUMENT TO THE PLYMOUTH CRICKET TO CLOSE

"ANOTHER VEHICLE MIGHT HAVE BEEN MORE POPULAR, BUT I LIKE CRICKETS." 

Argyle Gleason, Plymouth Cricket enthusiast

A Wickett County man who spent 30 years and thousands of dollars building Cricket World, a Stonehenge-like public monument to the Plymouth Cricket on his ten-acre farm, admitted failure and announced the site's permanent closing today.  

Cricket World will close at the end of next month

"Other people built monuments and sculptures with old Cadillacs, but I love the Cricket. I think it's the best car ever built," said Gleason, adding, "But I guess other people didn't feel the same way."  

The 48-year-old Gleason hoped the profits gleaned from the $2.00 Cricket World admission fee would provide a comfortable retirement income for him and his wife Cora-Dora, who makes a few hundred dollars a year selling homemade badminton birdies on the internet.

But only a handful of visitors showed up each year, and most of those were motorists looking for a place to pull off the highway and urinate, said Gleason. "They just stopped by to pee."  

Argyle Gleason becomes distraught
while discussing the failure of his
Cricket World monument. Up to this point, he was traught. 

"I guess I'll sell my Crickets to Donat, the local metal recycler," said Gleason as he fought back tears. 













Editor's note:  This is the first Parksplug article in which the world "gleaned" has appeared.  

THIS IS MACK'S NEW SUV!

Mack, the legendary builder of heavy-duty trucks famous for their iconic bulldog hood ornament, will introduce a Chevy Tahoe-sized sport utility vehicle late next year, according to sources.

The body-on-frame vehicle, will reportedly be called the Betong, which means "concrete" in Swedish (Mack is owned by Volvo), continuing the truck maker's practice of assigning rugged sounding names to its brawny vehicles.

While details are few, we do know the Betong will be powered by a turbocharged and supercharged flex-fuel diesel engine that supposedly burns anything from Fireball to house paint.  

2017 Mack Betong

In addition to our insider's news that he is now a lacto-vegetarian, he also advised us that Mack plans to equip all Betongs with the prominent chrome-plated "Mack stack" vertical exhaust pipe shown in the photograph even though it bisects the rear cargo area, severely restricting storage capacity. A Racelogic VBox data logger and two staffers' backpacks reportedly melted when placed too close to the stack, but our lacto-veg informant insists that Mack is close to solving the issue.    

SPY PHOTO CONFIRMS THAT GERMAN BRAND BORGWARD IS COMING BACK!

At the Geneva Auto Show a few months back, Borgward, a German marque that went bankrupt and disappeared in 1961, stunned concessionaires and a guy named Lloyd by announcing that it would resume production within two years. 

But little else had been heard until yesterday when Parksplug photographer Cretin Bonsall fortwoitu fortooitsusly by chance happened across a lengthy row of shiny new 2016 Borgward test vehicles parked side-by-side-by-side-by-side-by-side-by-side-by-side-by-side inside a shiny-floored building at the county fair.  

Normally a caption would go here.

While it was presumed the first new Borgward model to be produced in nearly 55 years would be an SUV, the photograph indicates a two-seat roadster incorporating unfortunate styling cues that pay homage to previous Borgward models--including the tall metal mast--will be first out of the gate.  

We don't know anything else. 

SUBARU DECRIES NEW "WRX WINGWALKING" CRAZE

"SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET HURT." Subaru spokesperson Lady Bird Hashimoto

Subaru today issued a press release warning WRX owners to refrain from participating in the risky wingwalking fad that has gained in popularity in recent months.  

Gus Roy Furly attempts to regain his balance while
wing walking on a 2015 Subaru WRX STI on Route 30
near Bald Knob Summit

"It's dangerous," said Subaru spokesperson Lady Bird Hashimoto. "A lot of WRX owners wax their wings, which makes the surface very slippery." 

Hashimoto added that, at the very least, participants should wear a styrofoam helmet, something we asked WRX owner and wingwalking enthusiast B.G. "Pee Wee" McNeely about. 

"I tried wearing one but it rubbed on the headliner," complained McNeely, who works full-time as an apprentice fish categorizer.  

Who started the craze isn't known, but according to McNeely, it's not uncommon to see several Subaru wingwalkers each day on the high-speed twisting backroads favored by driving enthusiasts.  

Police Sgt. Europa Snopes told Parksplug that the practice is not only dangerous, but illegal. 

According to Sgt. Snopes, the law says, "Any person who drives or is in actual physical control of any vehicle upon a highway, carelessly or without due caution in a manner likely to endanger..." (our reporter felt faint and lost consciousness at this point).  

LENO "PINK SLIP" FIRE FINALLY UNDER CONTROL

MILLIONS OF VEHICLE OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATES GO UP IN FLAMES

A raging four-alarm fire yesterday destroyed ownership certificates for nearly two million vehicles belonging to comedian Jay Leno, fire officials told Parksplug. 

"The vehicles are fine," said Fire Captain LaDidah Gumwoody, who said Leno's huge collection of  of cars, hot rods and motorcycles is stored in another facility. 

Jay Leno's own fleet of fire trucks and engines
were the first to respond to the massive fire

The 350,000 square foot complex that burned housed the titles or "pink slips" for the comedian's vehicles, which number in the hundreds of millions.  

Firefighters were able to save just two titles, said Gumwoody, one for Leno's electric maglev-powered go-kart and the other for a steam-engined1962 Ford Falcon Futura. 

Reached for comment, Oreo Yttr, a spokesman for the California Department of Motor Vehicles, replied, "Can I put you on hold?" and then never came back.  

FORD TARGETS RELIGIOUS OFF-ROADERS WITH 2016 F-150 RAPTURE

Ford-provided illustration depicts couple and their cat
being swept toward the heavens in a golden column of light.
Note that the male passenger keeps a tight grip on his golf
club, which unfortunately was bent when it became
snagged on the sunroof

Despite the fact that the number of Americans who describe themselves as "pretty danged religious" has dropped in recent years, Ford believes there's a market to be tapped among what it calls the "off-road loving devout."  

So next year, the automaker will introduce the  F-150 SVT Rapture, which will join its existing stablemate, the Raptor.  

"We think Jesus would like, and maybe even own, the Rapture," said Dilaudid Usoz, Ford's Minister of Trucks. 

The Rapture and the Raptor are quite similar, said Usoz. "The Rapture has wooden church pew seating and a larger sunroof for easier occupant egress."  

Before deciding on the F-150-based Rapture, Ford considered building a faith-oriented vehicle based on the E-series van that was to be designated the E-VANgelist. 

F-150 Rapture features standard
church pew seating. Heated
cushions are optional

 

ASK PARKSPLUG: "DO I HAVE ZORA ARKUS-DUNTOV?"

Dear Parksplug,

How are you I am fine [sic].  How can I tell if I have Zora Arkus-Duntov? My feet are blue and tingly so I think I might have it, but I'm afraid to go to the doctor. Please let me know.   
Thank you.
Marvin
P.S. I love your show.  

Dear Marlin:
Thank you for your email. Despite what many believe, Zora Arkus-Duntov is not a medical condition. Rather, in the 1951 movie, The Day the Earth Stood Still, the command "Zora Arkus-Duntov" (spoken slowly) deactivated Gort, the alien robot, to prevent him--or it--from destroying the Earth.  
Thanks for watching.
PP

HELLCAT-POWERED CHARGER TAKES FIRST PLACE IN NATIONAL GOPHER BLOWING CONTEST

A slightly modified 2015 Dodge Charger took top honors in the Grand National Gopher Blowing Contest in Shipsewana yesterday after exhaust pressure from its 707-horsepower (678.5 horque--see story below) Hellcat engine blasted a record 37 gophers from their holes. .  

A spectator watches from a distance as Cooter Bytheway's
 Hellcat- engined Charger sets a new gopher-blowing record

"All we did was plug up one of the exhaust pipes so there'd be more pressure on the other side," said Cooter Bytheway, the Charger's proud owner.  "Otherwise, she was bone stock. I just fired her up and blam! the gophers come a shootin' out of their holes!"   

Cooter Bytheway celebrates after
his car blew a record 37 gophers
out of their tunnels

As Bytheway celebrated his victory,

volunteer Ginger Frangipani

walked the field collecting the agitated

rodents with an 18-gallon Shop-Vac. 

"I talk to them to calm them down and

then put them back in their holes," she

said.  

FROM NOW ON, HORSEPOWER AND TORQUE WILL BE THE SAME THING

AUTOMOTIVE ENGINEERS SAY THEY'VE "HAD IT UP TO HERE" WITH TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC 

After listening to an detailed explanation,
24-year-old Abbott Woosley tries to grasp the
difference between horsepower and torque.
"This is a typical response," says engineer
Aroma Sue Crouch, "which illustrates
why we need to revise the terminology."  

"We've explained and explained until we're blue in the face.  We give up," said exasperated engineer Aroma Sue Crouch.  

This pervasive confusion has led the National Clan of Automotive Engineers (NCAE) to declare that horsepower and torque are one and the same. 

"Basically, people are blockheads. They just don't get it," said a frustrated Crouch. "Hopefully, this will simplify things."

The change, which takes effect tomorrow at 9:00am Eastern Standard Time, will replace the terms horsepower and torque with the single label, horque.

As an example, the Ford Power Stroke diesel V-8 was previously rated at 440 horsepower and 860 pound feet of torque. Those numbers are added together and divided by two, and as a result, the engine receives a new rating of 650 horque.  

Ford immediately released a statement claiming top honors in the diesel pickup horque wars, although Ram countered that, while their truck has only "625 horques," it carries more payload than the Ford.  GM said they were too busy managing recalls to respond.  

PARKSPLUG EDITOR DIES OF WRITER'S BLOCK

Junior Editor Doodles
McGuffey is shown
after his head was
lifted from his keyboard

Longtime Parksplug junior editor Doodles McGuffey, who had been suffering from a severe case of writer's block, was found dead at his computer yesterday.  

 "A few weeks back, we noticed that he was face-down on his keyboard but we thought he was just resting," said editorial captain Jiminy Fourhops. 

"We're all devastated," said a somber Fourhops. "He hadn't paid his coffee club dues for July yet."  

According to Fourhops, McGuffey had unwittingly typed "e4afvbn" when his face plummeted onto the keyboard. 

"It was the first thing he had written since 2012," said Fourhops.  

SPACECRAFT PHOTOGRAPHS WHAT APPEARS TO BE AN AUTOZONE ON PLUTO

After traveling three billion miles, or about the distance between El Paso and Houston, NASA's New Horizon spacecraft has begun sending back photographs of Pluto. And one image in particular has scientists discombobulated.  

NASA released this photograph of what scientists believe is
a stand-alone AutoZone store and parking lot on Pluto

"We have discovered what looks like an AutoZone on Pluto," said astrophysicist and part-time Qi Gong instructor Omeprazole Duffy while pointing to a small rectangular area on a black and white photograph of the dwarf planet's surface.  

"It blows my mind," said Duffy.  "After viewing this photo, our team of scientists is no longer combobulated, I'll tell you that."  

If it's existence is confirmed, the store would be AutoZone's 5,137th location, and the first outside the U.S. and Latin America.  

Duffy said the store appears to be surrounded by a large parking area.  "Not only that, but there's also some sort of bizarre and enormous yellow arrow just to the west of the store," she said excitedly.  

AIRCRAFT MAKER'S STEALTH CAR PROTOTYPE CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

A prototype of Lockheed Martin's upcoming stealth car was photographed yesterday while parked in a Walmart lot in Palmdale, California.  

"I had heard a rumor that Lockheed was going to build it because their military aircraft sales were declining," said Walmart shopper and aviation buff Pele Nukunukuapua'a, who goes by Pele Nukunukuapu for short.  "I came out of the store and there it was!" he exclaimed, or perhaps, proclaimed. "It doesn't seem to have doors; I wonder how the occupants get in it," he wondered.  

Not much is known about the so-called Wheelhawk stealth car other than that the National Association of Chiefs of Police have criticized Lockheed for releasing the car.  

"Radar, Lidar, VASCAR, ANPR, red light cameras, all those enforcement tools are useless against this vehicle," said NACP president Dooki Suggs, who added, "This will really complicate our efforts to promote traffic safety."

TONKA UNVEILS NEW LINE OF CAT BOX TRUCKS AND BULLDOZERS

Tonka's iconic yellow dump trucks, bulldozers and cranes have been hard at work in backyards and sandboxes since the 1950's.  But what are kids to do when it rains or snows?  

No problem, says the legendary toymaker, as Tonka has just released a new line of trucks and other toy construction equipment specially made for indoor play in the cat litter box.  

Three-year-old Brembo Drexler plays with his Tonka trucks while Weefles
the cat waits to use the litter box

"Millions of Americans have cats and cat litter boxes, " explained Tonka marketing assistant Ossie Bengladoon. "And that's a great place for kids to play with their toy trucks when they can't go outside."  

Bengladoon says the metal toys are hand-dipped into a vat of gluten-free Rust-Oleum to combat the corrosive effects of the harsh ammonia-rich environment.  

"Kids sometimes cry and complain that their eyes sting," said Bengladoon. "But it sure won't hurt the trucks at all," he laughed.    

CAUGHT ON CAMERA! 2017 CHRYSLER 300 HELLCAT BROUGHM!

WE WANTED ANOTHER HELLCAT.  THIS ISN'T IT.  

It was inevitable that, at some point, Fiat-Chrysler would shoehorn the 707-horsepower Hellcat engine into at least one more vehicle, which was widely expected to be the Jeep Grand Cherokee.  

Contrasting color padded roof, full wheel covers and chrome fender skirts
set the Hellcat Broughm apart from other 300's.  

But a Chrysler insider who we'll call "Helen" told Parksplug today the new home for the fire-breathing V-8 is a new version of the Chrysler 300 called the Hellcat Broughm; and he provided a photograph as proof.  

"It's a nice car," said Helen. "Chrysler has identified portly baby boomers who like to go fast as the target customer."  

While at lunch, we showed the photograph to Panda Express manager Twirly Phickfalter, who appeared to fit that demographic.

According to "Helen," the
300 Hellcat Broughm combines
luxury and performance 

"Wow," exclaimed Phickfalter.  "I would certainly buy one if I could afford it," she said as she chewed on a chunk of orange chicken someone had dropped on the floor.  

We reached out to Fiat-Chrysler for comment, but their offices were closed for the Feast of St. Regis holiday.  

CALENDAR TO CHANGE TO MATCH VEHICLE MODEL YEARS

2016 STARTS MONDAY; 2017 COMING JANUARY 1st

With many 2016 vehicles already cooling their wheels on dealership lots, it's easy to forget that we're only slightly more than halfway through 2015.  

To alleviate the confusion between the calendar year and vehicle model years, the World Timetable Foundation (WTF) has proclaimed that, beginning this Monday, the calendar year will change to coincide with "car years."  

The Chevrolet Equinox (above)
derives its name from the time of year
when the sun skids along the equator and
then moves from this hemisphere
to that one, or vice-versa.

"So, on Monday, it becomes 2016," explained WTF spokesperson Biloxi Ferragamo. 

"Then on January 1st, we'll change to 2017. So next year at this time, it'll almost be 2018," said Ferragamo, adding, "If you're waiting for the '18 Civic Type R, now you only have to wait a year instead of three years. Isn't that great?" she squealed while furiously clapping her hands.  

"We think this will be a lot less confusing," said Ferragamo. 

  

• 
  

AUTO INSURANCE COMPANY RELEASES NEW DRIVER MONITORING SUPPOSITORY

Insurer says it's more accurate because it plugs into driver, not vehicle

Plug-in devices that monitor driving habits in exchange for a possible auto insurance discount are nothing new.  

Regressive's driver-monitoring suppository beeps
loudly if it detects unsafe driving 

But a state-of-the-art device, called Assure, from Regressive Insurance, is different from the others; it plugs into the driver rather than the car's diagnostic port.  

We spoke with Skeetz Barner, Regressive's marketing director about the indigo-hued, bullet-shaped device.  

PP:  What is the Assure?

SB:  Well, basically, it's a suppository, but a damned comfortable one, if I may say so.  Like other systems, it collects driving data for a 30-day period. But while other companies' devices are connected to the car's OBD II port, ours plugs directly into the driver and measures what we call "pucker factor." 

PP:  Pucker factor?  Should I ask?

SB:  I probably wouldn't. 

Regressive agent Poppy
Boogaard installs an
Assure device for
customer Mitt Dibbleman

PP: What happens if the Assure detects unsafe driving? 

SB:  It has little red and green lights on it that start flashing, but, as you can imagine, those are pretty difficult to see. So we also added a little horn that honks repeatedly until the driver slows down. 

PP:  Do you have to, um, install it each time you get behind the wheel?

SB:  Most people do, but I wear mine all the time.  In fact, I'm plugged in right now. Your Regressive agent will also install it for you at no cost.

PP:  That's nice.  Any drawbacks to using Assure?

SB:  Some people have complained that it honks while they're playing Grand Theft Auto.  We're working on that.  

WHAT THE DODGE BROTHERS REALLY LOOKED LIKE

John (L) and Horace Dodge in their workshop

RECORD SALES OF CHICKEN WINGS DURING NASCAR EVENTS LEADS TO GLUT OF WINGLESS CHICKEN BODIES

So many chicken wings have been served during televised NASCAR races this year that the U.S. is now awash in a glut of wingless chicken bodies, warns the U.S. Department of Poultry and Tobacco.  

USDPT's Flicka Sperling

"I love chicken wings, too," said USDPT spokesperson Flicka Sperling. "But everybody forgets that we have to do something with the rest of the chicken." 

While they search for a solution to the surplus, the federal agency is stockpiling billions of chicken carcasses in underground salt caverns. 

"We're appealing to NASCAR fans to eat some nachos instead," said Sperling.  

HONDA INSIDER CLAIMS ODYSSEY'S "LIGHTNING BOLT" DESIGN WAS UNINTENTIONAL

WAS UNUSUAL DESIGN THE RESULT OF A DEFECTIVE ROBOT?

A lightning bolt.  That's what Honda calls the unique zig-zag body design on the side of the company's popular Odyssey minivan. At least that's what the automaker told us when the newly-styled van was unveiled nearly five years ago.  

Odyssey's so-called lightning bolt
design first appeared on 2011 models

But that claim has been called in question thanks to a Honda employee who demanded anonymity and a medium pizza.  He told Parksplug that the vehicle's unusual side sculpturing is actually the result of an assembly line robot welder that broke off its base. 

"It caused the rear quarter panel to drop more than an inch," said the employee.  "No one noticed until after hundreds of vans had already rolled off the assembly line," he said.  "At that point, it was cheaper to add a chrome strip and invent the lightning bolt story than to fix it."   

Photo taken by anonymous assembly line employee
shows fallen robot (right)

When we asked Honda for their reaction to the story, spokesperson Bicuspid Miller declined comment unless we also bought her a pizza, which we couldn't afford. "Then I ain't talking," she said before hanging up.