POLICE SAY PLAN TO TICKET WRX BUYERS AT TIME OF SALE A BIG TIMESAVER

New WRX owner Gulliver Wiskover (center) poses with Dex
Mueller Subaru salesman Jose Sleetz (R) as police officer
Wallace Rashwaller completes Wiskover's citations

It's no secret that the Subaru WRX is the most-ticketed car in the U.S.  Now Subaru of America is teaming up with local police agencies to make the citation process more efficient and less stressful for buyers.  Under the so-called SubieCite program, WRX purchasers receive their traffic tickets right at the dealership at the time of sale.

"We know all WRX drivers get tickets, so taking care of that process right at the dealership avoids all the red lights and sirens and digging through the glovebox looking for registration and insurance papers," said police spokesman Björk Cisneros.  "Plus, the buyer can conveniently sign the citations while he's signing all the rest of the papers."   

Gulliver Wiskover, who was buying a new red WRX from Dex Mueller Subaru, described the program as, "off the hinges."  

IS THIS THE 2017 MAZTEK?

FORMER PONTIAC AZTEK STYLIST DESIGNS NEW MAZDA SPORT UTILITY

Designer Ajax Malarkey

What is believed to be Mazda's upcoming Maztek mid-sized sport utility has been caught on camera by obscure spy photographer Beaver Guttenberg. 

Rumors swirled--although some of them simply oscillated lazily before falling silently to the floor--after Mazda hired former Pontiac Aztek designer Ajax Malarkey in 2009.  Now it's quite clear from the photo, which is not quite clear, that Malarkey, who claims to own four Azteks, is responsible for the design of Mazda's new mid-sized SUV.  

FOX NEWS BUYS ONSTAR--ONLY RIGHT TURNS PERMITTED

Hundreds of OnStar subscribers are expressing outrage over changes to OnStar after the recent sale of the GM-owned subscription-based communications service to Fox News.

Calamine "Toodie" Fetzler, a spokesperson for the recently-merged U.S. Commission on Tobacco, Communications and Native American Affairs, said her office has been inundated with complaints from OnStar subscribers.  "We have been inundated with complaints from OnStar subscribers," scowled Fetzler as she twisted a thumb through a hole in one of her white and gray Costco crew socks.

OnStar navigation systems will no longer allow left turns, says Fox

The change that has generated the most complaints concerns a modification to Onstar's turn-by-turn navigation service.

As Squeegee McLean, Director of Navigation for Fox News explained, "Only right turns will be permitted, and if a motorist can't get someplace without making left--or what we call "elitist" turns--he doesn't need to go there."

"I'm livid," said motorist Betty Lou Sunchunkle of Olid Shores.  "Half the places I go are on the left.  Now I can't go there anymore."

EXCLUSIVE! CLAIRVOYANT CAR GUY CHECKS OUT THE 2064 FORD MUSTANG

The Ford Mustang's recent 50th anniversary got us thinking about what the famed pony car might be like in another 50 years.  So, we contacted our friend Guzmo Flynn, a local clairvoyant and Foot Locker assistant manager, to see what he could come up with.  Actually, he somehow knew we were going to call him, so he contacted us first.

While in a trance induced by a quart of Fireball coupled with a short-circuit in the Sunbeam electric throw blanket wrapped around him, Flynn was able to closely inspect the 2064 Mustang. Here is his report:

Design:  From the front, it looks quite a lot like the 2064 Aston-Martin.

ENGINES/TRANSMISSION:
Base engine:  Normally-aspirated inline one with cylinder deactivation, which, according to Flynn, greatly improves fuel mileage but badly impacts performance.
Mustang GT engine:  Yes, the GT lives on.  It's powered by the same EcoBoost inline one paired with a 300-horsepower electric motor that also serves as the defroster blower.  A planned Shelby version will feature two defroster blowers.
Transmission:   Continuously variable with sphincter-activated shifting
Fuel requirement:  Top-tier hydrogen blended with 10% non-acidic pond scum

TIRES:  Yokohama Carbube (carbon nanotube) climate change-resisitant tires; available with personalized tread design and high-speed retractable nozzles

BRAKES:  Sensor activated, porcelain pads 
Flynn reported that the Mustang's brakes are so effective that during one panic stop maneuver, the driver's brain dislodged and collided with the back of his nose (he's fine, thanks to a holistic practitioner who happened by)  

 CHASSIS:  Due to cost considerations, Ford reverted to a solid rear axle beginning with the 2060 model year.

PRICE:  354,000 cloudcoins (base Mustang GT), a bargain compared to the diesel-electric Fiat Barracuda and the small block, pushrod V8-powered 2064 Camaro.

INVENTOR BUILDS EXHAUST PIPE MOUNTED ELECTRIC SUPERCHARGER

DEVICE BUILDS BOOST BY SUCKING AIR THROUGH ENGINE AT HIGH VELOCITY

Earman's exhaust pipe-mounted
electric supercharger

Superchargers boost horsepower by forcing air through an engine.  But always-curious inventor Earman Beefer wondered, do armadillos dream in color?  But he also wondered, why not build an exhaust pipe-mounted electric supercharger to suck air through the engine rather than ramming it through from the front?  

Inventor Earman Beefer

Earman set about building such a device using some metal pipe and a sewage pump he found connected to the plumbing system at his church.

He acknowledges making mistakes along the way, including wiring the electric supercharger to his car's back-up lights.  "It went quite fast, but only in reverse," said Earman.  

Also, the device sucked the car's air filter through the engine and out the exhaust.  "I might have to tone down the suction," Beefer acknowledged.  Asked what advantages his device has over a traditional supercharger, Earman's glasses fogged over and he walked away, mumbling something about armadillos.  

TEAMS SEARCHING FOREST FOR MAN'S LOST CAMOUFLAGE PAINTED PICKUP

Satchell Gusterferd thought it would be cool to have a camouflage paint job applied to his 2010 Ram 4x4 pickup, but it's a change he now regrets.  "It's out here somewhere, but we can't find it," he said solemnly as searchers tromped through the thick brush surrounding Cramp Lake.  Some of the volunteers were equipped with metal detectors, while others waved long sticks through the air as they walked.  "We're hoping somebody whacks my truck with their stick," said Gusterferd.

Satchell Gusterferd and his camouflage painted truck
during a previous camping trip

The 28-year old Gusterferd, who works 60 hours a week as a plasma donor, planned a restful weekend of camping and ballistic stretching, but while driving on a forest road toward the campsite, he stopped to do some iliotibial band stretches.  When he tried to return to his truck, he couldn't find it.  "I never should have walked away from it in the forest," he lamented.  "Damned camo paint."  

Search team leader Doodles McCoy said volunteers were giving up for the night.  "The metal detector guys want to be home in time to watch Cake Boss," he explained. 

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

Confused friends and family from Prineville, Oregon
follow driverless hearse as it passes through
Rock Springs, Wyoming.   

MALFUNCTIONING AUTONOMOUS HEARSE LEADS PROCESSION OF 150 VEHICLES THROUGH FOUR STATES
"We wondered about it, but we figured Bob wanted to get buried someplace out of town."
Efrem Vert, former neighbor of Bob the deceased guy, after he and his wife followed driverless hearse for nearly seven hours 

"I love the simple lines.  You know, it seems
like I've seen something like it before, but I
don't know where."
Auto designer Jason Castriota

LEAKED SKETCH REPORTEDLY SHOWS FACTORY FIVE'S NEW RAGTOP

A rudimentary sketch leaked to several automotive publications and National Geographic purportedly shows Factory Five's primitive new roadster.  

While there was no comment from the company, sources say the car was to be called the Dino until Ferrari objected.  


ANOTHER NAME CHANGE COMING FOR VW GOLF 
Volkswagen brass decide to combine "Rabbit" and "Golf" names; car to simply be called "Ralf."  

EYE POSITION DETERMINES EXHAUST PREFERENCES, SAYS RESEARCHER

A noted research scientist, who estimates that he became noted about eight years ago, claims the positioning of a person's eyes on their face directly correlates with the placement of exhaust pipes on the vehicle they drive. According to Dr. Saturno Yipes, a professor of Advanced Physiognomy and Anatomy at the University of Lower Cheesequake in Lower Cheesequake, New Jersey, the... uh...what was I saying?  

Oh yes...Dr. Yipes claims that those with eyes set closer together typically own vehicles that feature paired or "shotgun" dual pipes, while those whose eyes are farther apart favor separated pipes, one at each rear corner.

Dr. Yipes provided the photographs below to help elucidate his theory, whatever that means.

This BMW 328i owner clearly prefers mated
or "shotgun" dual pipes

"This fellow was an interesting study," said Dr. Yipes.
"Over the years, his eyes migrated toward the sides of
his head, like a flounder's.  While this was occurring,
his preference for widely space exhausts, like those
pictured above his head, became stronger."  

"This Lexus IS-F owner prefers his car's diagonally-stacked exhaust pipes, said Dr. Yipes." "I really felt sorry for him; he's never achieved his dream of looking through binoculars."

CHRYSLER TO COAT VEHICLES WITH THOMPSON'S WATER SEAL DURING CLOSURE OF FACTORY PAINT SHOP

Liquid sealant chosen after attempts to wrap SUVs in vinyl turns into jumbled, sticky mess

A two-month closure of a factory paint shop overdue for an upgrade has led to Chrysler's decision to coat hundreds of newly-built vehicles with Thompson's Water Seal.  

"That (expletive) sticks to everything," complained Chrysler paint shop
worker Humberto Kaminski of the blue vinyl wrapping covering both
him and the Grand Cherokee in the foreground

Chrysler began exploring alternatives to painting the Dodge Durangos and Jeep Grand Cherokees assembled at the factory about six months ago, after the decision was made to upgrade the shop, said spokesman Dobie Chuck Upnotz. 

"We experimented with vinyl wraps, but some of our guys can't cover a sandwich with Saran Wrap," said Upnotz.  

Chrysler also tried using wallpaper and plaster, but, according to Upnotz, "In the end, everybody liked the looks of the Thompson's Water Seal best, especially in Acorn Brown."    

SPIED! 2016 SHELBY GTF-350 ONE-TON DUALLY!

SHELBY AMERICAN CONTINUES TO DENY EXISTENCE OF HIGH-SPEED 

HORSE TRAILER-HAULER EVEN AFTER VIEWING RIDICULOUSLY OUT-OF-FOCUS AND ILL-FRAMED PARKSPLUG SPY PHOTO

"Hmmm.  Looks like a GT-350 Mustang to me."

Shelby American spokesman Beguzmo Spitze 

after being shown photo below of GTF-350

Photograph of pre-production Shelby GTF-350 taken seconds before bumbling
Parksplug staffer Umber Dicklesid, driving the company Vega, slammed into it

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Thank you for visiting Parksplug

DESIGNER "HEARTBROKEN" THAT NISSAN CUBE DROPPED FROM LINEUP

"I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED ASYMMETRIC DESIGNS. BUT PERHAPS I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES."  

Nissan Cube designer Daisuke McCoy

Designer Daisuke McCoy describes Nissan Cube
as "my magnum opus"

The designer of the now-canceled Nissan Cube today spoke out for the first time since the vehicle's cancellation was announced earlier this fall.  

Daisuke McCoy said he's "shocked and heartbroken" that the boxy asymmetric vehicle has been discontinued.  "It was my magnum opus," he said dejectedly. "I really thought the Cube would be a huge seller, but apparently most buyers have no imagination and are obsessed with symmetry," said Mccoy, his right eye welling with tears as he stroked his half-beard.   

McCoy quit his job with Nissan after the Cube was dropped, leaving behind a resignation letter that said simply, "i qUIt."

EXCLUSIVE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE L.A. AUTO SHOW!

VEHICLE TRANSPORTER TRUCKS STUCK IN TRAFFIC; ANXIOUS ORGANIZERS HOPE SHOW CARS ARRIVE BEFORE SUNDAY'S CLOSING

A misspelled banner welcomes visitors to the LA Auto Show.
Vehicle transporter trucks are still stuck in LA traffic, and as of today,
nearly all exposition halls were still empty.  And no, we don't know what an "UDI" is.

The Los Angeles Auto Show, often referred to as "The Los Angeles Auto Show," opened to the public last Friday.  Unfortunately, few vehicles were on display as transporter trucks have been stuck for days in LA's notoriously bad traffic.  "We close the Sunday after Thanksgiving," said glum auto show spokesman Inkie Mooser.  "Hopefully the cars will get here by then."  

Cars of Washed-Up Stars is among the most popular attractions

In the meantime, promoters were steering disappointed crowds to arguably dubious displays, such as "Cars of Washed-Up Stars," which features a 2006 Chevrolet HHR belonging to actress Sean Young, Jean-Claude Van Damme's 1998 Lincoln and a dented Dodge minivan owned by actress Meg Ryan.  

Popular among showgoers was the La Brea Tar Pits facial booth, where faces of howling patrons were coated with searing liquid asphalt extracted from the ancient pits (cucumber paste is added before application).  After cooling, the tar is pried off, taking with it unwanted freckles, frackles, macules, papules, pores and corns.  In addition to the facial booth, weary attendees can have their head bumps massaged and treat themselves to a half-hour of low-carb, gluten-free oxygen therapy. 

Later today, Ford will unveil two new vehicles including the renamed ConFusion mid-size sedan (formerly Fusion) that features a new, much more complicated version of their MyFord Touch infotainment system that adds "dozens of new unlabeled buttons, switches and knobs," according to Ford.  The second vehicle is the Ford Transient Connect, a van designed to provide transportation to homeless persons.  

POPULAR NEW iHateRadio SERVICE FEATURES NO COMMERCIALS OR TALK. OR MUSIC.

"PEOPLE WHO ARE TIRED OF ALL THE CRAP ON THE RADIO LOVE iHateRadio"

      iHateRadio CEO Corniche Blankenfurd

More and more buyers of new vehicles are refusing to shell out big bucks for complex entertainment systems, some of which seem to come from the factory packing a gaggle of mysterious electrical gremlins.  And that, according to some expert we recently talked with, explains the popularity of iHateRadio, a nothing-in-one, non-streaming, non-music platform.  

"I love the look of the gaping hole
in the dashboard!" squealed new car
owner Cashmere Pastrami-Fong

"I refuse to pay for satellite radio, and broadcast has too many commercials, so I thought I'd try iHateRadio," said bubbly new car buyer Cashmere Pastrami-Fong, who showed off her recently-purchased 2015 green Japanese something.  "I love iHateRadio.  It's so simple," she said so excitedly that she subsequently threw up onto nearby shrubbery.  

According to CEO Corniche Blankenfurd, "With iHateRadio you don't have to choose among 1,500 radio stations by musical format, nor do you have to create personalized "radio stations" featuring your favorite artist.  If you want, you can use voice commands, but nothing will happen."
  
"I wasn't sure I'd like iHateRadio," said Pastrami-Fong after she recovered, "but I absolutely love the look of the gaping hole in the dashboard."  

PRESIDENT'S GO-IT-ALONE ACTIONS INCLUDE TAKING LIMO OUT BY HIMSELF

President Obama looks back
from driver's seat of limo

Unidentified sources within the Secret Service say they're frustrated with President Obama's decision to drive the Presidential limousine himself.  The move follows his recent announcement to act unilaterally to relax U.S. immigration policies.

"The President enjoys driving," explained White House spokesperson Calafia Spandleman.  "He wants to drive the limo himself and that's his decision to make," she said.

"He hasn't driven in, like, six years, and now he's going to be cruising around by himself in an armored 20-thousand pound limo?" the unidentified Secret Service insider asked rhetorically.  "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

Speaker of the House John Boehner vowed to block Obama's move by restricting funding for limousine fuel, while the Tea Party faction is calling for a complete shutdown of the White House driveway.

At last report, Obama was practicing J-turns on the south lawn of the White House.

WOMAN SITS ON PHONE BOOKS, SOMEHOW MEMORIZES ALL THE LISTINGS

Honeysuckle Loper, 26, sits on two
Corvallis, Oregon phone books

A small-statured South Cheeseborough woman who sits on telephone books while driving her Chevy Tahoe has miraculously memorized all the listings in the two thick directories.  "I'm short and I can see so much better when I sit on them,"explained 26-year-old Honeysuckle Loper. "I've only been using them for about a month and I when woke up this morning I could recite the names of addresses of everyone in Corvallis, Oregon."  

Using one of the phone books, which smelled like a revolting combination of Wisk detergent and a Nebraska feedlot, we tested Loper's newfound abilities.  Given the names of Corvallis resident Liggett and Garnet Skivler, she correctly recited not only their phone number, but also their home address of 4809 Squirting Conch Lane.  "I wish I'd known about this talent back in college," said Loper.

GOD: "STOP PRAYING FOR A FERRARI!"

In a written statement carved into a large chunk of Arctic Mint-colored Corian, God demanded that people "stop praying for a Ferrari, Mercedes or Porsche."  The inscription, found Sunday at the 7,200-foot summit of Chipmunk Peak in Flathead County, Montana by a snowshoeing endodontist from Alamogordo, also indicated that God finds people who pray for such expensive indulgences "annoying." 

Don't even ask.

"While we're on the subject," said God's statement, "Can't you people come up with some new prayers?  If I hear that, ‘Now I lay me down to sleep,’ chestnut one more time, I’m gonna gag,” He wrote.  God also advised that He enjoys short, humorous prayers but not ones that ask for winning lottery numbers or boats or use the words “Thy” or “Beseech.” 

On a side note, 67-year-old retired English teacher Sunnie Crutch was mysteriously struck by lightning on a cloudless day after telling others that God’s use of “gonna” in the inscription was improper. Doctors say she will survive but that she’s now permanently bald and has a loud buzzing sound in her head.  

OTTOMAN THAT DICK VAN DYKE TRIPPED OVER FOUND BURNING ON I-70 SHOULDER IN KANSAS

A 53-year old ottoman that was featured in the opening scene of one of America's most popular 1960's television shows was found burning on the shoulder of Interstate 70 near Junction City, Kansas yesterday.

Black and white footstool from "The Dick Van Dyke Show"
burns on the shoulder of I-70

"I recognized it right away,"said 69-year-old motorist Turley Mudd of nearby Randolph, referring to the footstool that actor Dick Van Dyke tripped over during the opening scenes of his namesake sitcom.  "It was even in black-and-white just like the show was,"said Mudd.

26-year-old Kansas State Patrol officer Cupcake Anne Waxbury said investigators are on the case, but are hampered by the fact that no one on the force had ever heard of the show.  "That's really his name?" she asked incredulously.

WALMART PARKING LOTS HOLD MORE OIL THAN BAKKEN FORMATION, SAYS INDUSTRY EXPERT

Senior Stain Invigilator Tarl Barnwormer
examines a Walmart parking lot oil puddle 

Hundreds of thousands of dilapidated vehicles are leaking so much oil onto the pavement at Walmart stores nationwide that one expert claims it could equal the reserves of the Bakken Shale Formation--or as much as 400-billion barrels.  "It's an incredibly vast amount of spilled oil," said Marmaduke Hirth, Global Comptroller of environmental consultancy firm Hirth, Girtch and Wirly, LLC.  

While other stores and shopping centers certainly have their share of leaky vehicles, Hirth says none compare to Walmart.  "75-percent of Walmart customers own a vehicle that leaks at least one quart of oil a week.  If we can skim and collect it, it would rival the North Sea Oil Boom," claimed Hirth.

The amount of oil leaked by
Winkles Poteet's  white Mitsubishi--
which she describes as an "Evo
Tribute"--is best measured in
barrels rather than quarts

Out in the parking lot, an older white Mitsubishi Mirage appeared to be afloat in a lake of oil. Owner Candy "Winkles" Poteet, who said she was at Walmart to purchase Crest Whitestrips for her single bisque-colored tooth, admitted she didn't know how much oil her Mitsubishi leaked.  Nor did she know what a comptroller is.      

SECRET WITNESS HURT IN FALL AFTER TESTIFYING ABOUT AIRBAG DEFECTS

A secret witness testifies before
Congress about the massive
airbag recall

A classified witness wearing a disguise was injured yesterday when he fell down the steps of the U.S. Capitol building. Police say the anonymous person had just finished testifying before a congressional subcommittee investigating airbag defects affecting more than 11-million vehicles in the U.S.  

Hundreds of visitors to the Capitol saw the witness fall. According to police, he sustained a crumpled flap and contusions to his box.  "If only he had cut eye holes," said a distraught witness, shaking her head.
  
When asked what the witness said in his testimony, Rep. Pluvis Butzmuller whispered, "I don't know, we couldn't hear him."  

HEADLINES OFF THE PARKSPLUG WIRES

SELF-DESCRIBED TINKERER BUILDS 427 CUBIC INCH V-8 GARAGE DOOR OPENER

DeWayne Munge's big block garage door
opener during construction

"It's a whole lot faster than our old Genie,that's for sure."

Homeowner and tinkerer DeWayne Munge

IF LEXUS DESIGNED THE WRANGLER:

MAN CLAIMS HE'S STILL "GOING IN CIRCLES" FOUR YEARS AFTER POLICE PIT MANEUVER

Elwig Frownfelter holds on to the table as
he spins around in his chair, something
 he's been doing involuntarily for
the past four years

Elwig Frownfelter admits he shouldn't have fled from police who were trying to pull him over four years ago.  "My license was suspended and I thought I could outrun them," he explained.  Police eventually used a PIT maneuver that spun Frownfelter's 1976 Mercury Montego, forcing him to lose control and come to a stop.

After pleading guilty and serving 45 days in jail, Frownfelter thought his troubles were over.  "But I'm still spinning," complained Frownfelter as he twirled in circles while sitting in a chair.

"I've never seen another case like it," said physician and part-time health club spinning instructor Dr. Chlamydia Tootle.  "I suggested that he try twirling in the other direction in the hope that he'll unwind," she said, adding, "But so far, that hasn't worked."

FLURRY OF MERGERS AFFECTS AUTO PUBLICATIONS

Despite rumors of its impending demise, the print media is alive.  Perhaps not alive and well, but definitely still percolating.  Staying that way, however, has required some magazine publishers to consolidate titles.  Here are some automotive-related examples:

Motor Friend features dating, health, self-improvement and engine rebuilding advice for automotive enthusiasts and romantics alike

Keep track of the hottest nightclubs and get up-to-date advice on designated drivers, walking-heel-to-toe,

reciting the alphabet backwards and more with Bar and Driver

Whether you're into injecting gasoline into an high-performance engine or injecting fluid into a North Dakota wellbore, Road & Frack has got you covered

LOTUS THREATENS TO SUE OVER EBOLA NAME

Lotus cars is threatening to sue somebody, alleging misuse of the Ebola name for which they claim to hold a copyright.  "Our previous models include the Evora, Elise, Exige and Esprit, and we wanted the Ebola name for our new one, so we copyrighted it,"  explained Lotus spokesman Tully Cornockle.  "But somebody--maybe the Centers for Disease Control--has hijacked our name, and as soon as we figure out who--or is it whom?--we're gonna sue, I'll tell you that."  

An unnamed employee sent along this photo of
the upcoming Lotus Ebola.  The big pink thing
is the imbecile's index finger
  

Lotus is being characteristically tight-lipped about the Ebola, describing it only as an ultra-lightweight roadster with a body made of pickled and steamed bamboo and a Toyota-sourced polyester fiber engine block.  

A photograph of the car taken by an anonymous and bumbling Lotus insider fails to shed much light on the design. The source did reveal that Lotus engineers are trying to overcome the Ebola's cooling problems. "It runs hot all the time," he disclosed.  

FORMER PALM READER SWITCHES TO STUDYING TIRE GROOVES

20 years ago, Sig Flotz left the reptile cremation business to become a palm reader.  Now, he's about to steer his career in yet another direction--tire reading. "It's all about interpreting the character and lifespan of a tire," explained Flotz as he gently caressed the tread of a LT255/75R17/C Goodyear Wrangler MT/R tire in a disturbing yet somewhat alluring manner.  

Tire Reader Sig Flotz at work

"This tire has a bright future.  See how wide and straight this is?" asked Flotz, sticking his index finger into a groove in the center of the tire.  "That's an indicator of a wonderfully strong inner chi, which provides stability and balance throughout the life of the tire. Just remember to pick the rocks and gravel out of the grooves."   

The transition from palm to tire reading required several years of study and introspection, said Flotz.  "I was fortunate enough to study under the preeminent guru at Tire Rack."     

MARATHON ORGANIZERS APOLOGIZE FOR USING DIESEL OLDSMOBILE AS PACE CAR

Dozens of participants in last weekend's Fight Against Polyps charity marathon complained of respiratory problems after they ran the entire race behind a 1982 Oldsmobile Cutlass diesel pace car.  "It was horrible," said disheveled runner Speckles Nord.  "I saw clouds of black smoke coming from the pace car and didn't think too much about it, but after 20 miles or so, I felt woozy and wobbly, and my breasts started fluttering," she said.  

Runners struggle to breathe after inhaling exhaust from diesel pace car
with amber magnetic emergency light on roof

Other runners coughed up smoldering cinders and complained of abnormal breathing sounds including wheezing, clicking, rattling, hissing, buzzing, whistling, and a noise described as sounding like a prawn sneezing.  

Organizers of the 26-mile charity run apologized to runners.  "We had the choice of a Prius or the Olds diesel, both of which belong to volunteers.  We chose the Cutlass because it already had a magnetic emergency light on the roof, which we felt was important," said race spokesperson Mullet Gander.  

The owner of the Cutlass, volunteer and full-time Boxer Rebellion re-enactor Rudyard Roark, defended his car.  "The injector pump is warped, but otherwise, she runs pretty good," he said, wheezing.  

CAR SALES TO THE COLORBLIND BOOMING, ANALYST SAYS

Automakers released October sales numbers yesterday and there's a lot to smile about.  Numbers were significantly higher this October over a year ago, particularly among colorblind buyers.  "We've been targeting the colorblind market for several years now and it's finally paying off," said Bomtoth Doolang, Director of Colorblind Sales for Fiat-Chrysler.   

Sales are up, says
colorblind auto analyst
Sherbet Mung

The used vehicle market also saw sales to the colorblind jump, according to auto analyst Sherbet Mung, who is herself colorblind.  

"Interest rates are low even on used vehicles, so many colorblind buyers believe it's a good time to make a deal on an adversely-hued car or truck that's been languishing on a dealer's lot," Mung explained. 

Trucks and SUVs were once again more popular than cars among both the colorblind and color-sighted, something that Mung attributes to low gas prices.  "We haven't seen this for years," she said.  "Ugly trucks and SUVs are just flying off the lots." 

Sales of hideously-hued used trucks to the colorblind
increased nearly 20% last month, according to analysts

ELECTION DAY 2014 -- PARKSPLUG RECOMMENDATIONS

Measure 1:  Do you want to see a contraption like this?
If not, vote YES. If yes, vote no.  I think.  

Measure 1:  Bans chicken wing sales at NASCAR race food booths.  Insatiable demand for fried wings among fans has resulted in a nationwide glut of wingless chicken bodies. Vote YES  

Measure 2:  Bans Ford from ever reintroducing the Mustang II.  Please, please vote YES

Measure 3:  Requires OBD II diagnostic connectors to be implanted in all idiots on the road, allowing them to be re-flashed.
Vote YES

Visible V8 to become Visible I-3?

Measure 4:  Requires Revell, the maker of the build-it-yourself Visible V8 1:4 scale model engine to downsize to three cylinders and adopt hybrid technology with stop-start system.  Vote NO.  New engine would be much too complex for young children to build.  Parksplug editors' attempt to assemble one resulted in a pile of leftover plastic parts.  We set fire to the whole thing and watched it melt.  Save the V8's.

Measure 5:  Requires sprinkler systems and exit lights on all 

full-size SUVs.  Sure, why not.

Measure 6:  Corrects 1964 law requiring owners of heavy trucks to equip them with flood maps.  If measure passes, flood maps will be changed to mud flaps.  Vote YES. Few truckers need flood maps.

Measure 7:  Bans Parksplug from owning or operating any type of computer, or posting anything on any internet site anywhere at any time.  Vote YES.

Measure 5 requires sprinklers and exit signs on all
full-size SUVs

FEDS TARGET CLOWN CARS

The National Highway Transportation Safety Administration is cracking down on circus clown cars, noting that while such vehicles and the gaily-attired individuals crammed inside them indeed provide plenty of giggles and superb family entertainment, the agency is tasked with ensuring the safety of all vehicle occupants, and therefore, must act.   

Clown cars like this might become a thing of the past
if NHTSA cracks down

"Jamming 25 or more clowns--or as they prefer to be called, 'costumed gag artisans'--into a tiny vehicle with no seatbelts or airbags and insufficient exits, is more dangerous than drifting a Corvair," claimed NHTSA spokesman Oakley "Dink" Dinwiddie, who declined to comment about possible new rules.  

Said one clown who requested anonymity, "They're regulating us out of business.  Back in the good old days, we used to advertise that the circus was "more fun than a barrel of monkeys," but then PETA complained, so there went the monkeys.  I think it's time to retire," he said forlornly.