BOY SUSPENDED AFTER WEARING NISSAN LEAF HALLOWEEN MASK TO SCHOOL

A ten-year-old Mahnoman Elementary School student was suspended today after he wore a Nissan Leaf mask to school, frightening fellow classmates and startling staff members.  

Frightened children flee the playground after this
obviously demented boy wore a Nissan Leaf mask to school

"It was totally inappropriate," said Principal Wyclef Zimmerman. "A number of students cried hysterically; they were scared to death," he said.  

"I blame his parents," said Flower Snurt, a parent of one of the boy's classmates. "Couldn't they buy their kid something fun like a bloody zombie or Newt Gingrich costume?"  

HOT DOG ACTIVISTS RAM WIENERMOBILE THROUGH HEALTH AGENCY'S DOORS

No one was injured this morning when what is believed to be a group of hot dog activists crashed a stolen Oscar Mayer Wienermobile through the doors of the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland, narrowly missing a Little Grebe that had been standing on the steps outside. 

The Little Grebe, sometimes called a dabchick, is a small, dumpy looking water bird that has a mating call that sounds like an old Chrysler starter motor.    

Because this morning's incident involved the WHO--not to be confused with The Who--and a Wienermobile, authorities believe it was related to a report issued Monday by The Who--rather, the WHO, who claim that consuming hot dogs and other processed meats is more dangerous than chain-smoking cigarettes while base jumping.  

Police said they're still searching for the suspects, WHO who spray painted "Hands Off Our Hot Dogs" on the side of the Wienermobile.  

Dr. Sigmoid There, the Director of WHO, defended the controversial health report, but also reluctantly adknowledged that pepperoni is way worse than hot dogs.  

"We're just lucky no one was killed," said WHO's There.  

BEST USED HONDA FOR A 16-YEAR-OLD DRIVER?

Recently, I became engaged in a discussion (i.e. conversated) with a guy ahead of me in line at Panda Express.  He had the Orange Chicken and I ordered the Sweetfire Chicken Breast, which does indeed sound like some feller's nickname for his down-home Southern belle.  

"I want to buy my 16-year-old son a Honda--we like Hondas," he advised, "but I want to get something safe and reliable. Whatd'ya recommend?" he inquired. 

Well, I like Hondas, too. And for an inexperienced 16-year-old driver, my favorite is the FG 110.  As long as he wears leather shoes and maybe some goggles, it's pretty tough for any kid to get in trouble with the FG 110.  Let's take a look:  

The Honda FG 110. Yep, safe and reliable.

 First, like all Hondas, it's safe and reliable.  The four-stroke engine starts easily and runs great, so he won't need his own AAA card.  

And with a maximum tine speed of 294 RPM, he's unlikely to spin out and find himself all turtled-up in a ditch full of pigweed. 

Black wheels.  Cool. 

Black wheels are all the rage. The FG 110 has black wheels. Okay, so they're not forged HRE's, but they're black.  

Ergonomic Controls: Squeeze lever to operate. That's it. No WiFi hot spots or USBs. That's good.  

Flip the red thing, then squeeze
the thing below it. That's it. 

And finally, the best part:  Because there are no seats, there's no room for his annoying little reprobate pals, and no place to bump uglies with his concupiscent 16-year-old Sweetfire Chicken Breast. 


Good luck, Orange Chicken.    

FIRST LOOK AT RANGE ROVER'S HIP NEW EVOQUE MINIVAN

Rumors have been swirling--and in some cases, roiling--lately about a new Range Rover Evoque minivan.  Now, a Parksplug spy photo appears to confirm those rumors. It also appears to show a guy urinating off a stairway in the background.   

Evoque minivan (foreground) Big stone building (background)

We don't know much--about anything, really--although one source tells us Range Rover originally planned to dub the six-passenger van the Evoqueswagon, but concerns arose that the name might be confused with VW's upcoming electric E-Volkswagen, which, by the way, insiders say achieved 140 mpg-e during laboratory testing, but only 12 mpg-e during actual highway driving.  

As with the standard Evoque, Ford's twin-scroll 2.0 liter, 240-horse turbo four--which, as the name implies, has a couple of scrolls instead of just one--will be the sole powertrain, at least initially.  

However, we recently started an admittedly baseless rumor that U.S. buyers will eventually be able to order the excellent but for-now Europe-only Duratorq I-4 turbodiesel, although they'd probably also have to buy the van to get it.  

COMPLAINTS ROLL IN ABOUT NEW HIGHWAY PATROL TICKETING POLICY AFTER CAR HAULING TRUCKER RECEIVES FIVE SPEEDING TICKETS

"THE TRUCK AND THE FOUR SUVs IT WAS HAULING WERE ALL GOING 74 MPH." 

Highway Patrol Officer Dickie Mermaster 

Local truckers honked air horns and illegally used their exhaust brakes yesterday to protest a new Highway Patrol policy that tickets truck drivers for multiple violations when they're hauling vehicles.  

The action came after Highway Patrol officer Dickie Mermaster on Saturday cited the driver of a speeding vehicle transporter five times, one ticket for the truck and one for each of the four Toyota Land Cruisers it was carrying.  

Crestfallen truck driver Malo Suerte clasps four citations as Highway Patrol
officer Dickie Mermaster prepares the fifth and final one

"All of these SUVs--and the truck--were traveling at 74 miles per hour in a 65 zone," explained Mermaster, "so the trucker got five tickets."    

"I knew I was going a little fast," acknowledged 48-year-old trucker Malo Suerte, "but I was only driving the truck, not the SUVs. It's not fair; I should only get one ticket."

But Mermaster disagreed, saying the Highway Patrol's new citation policy doesn't just target truckers. "Last week, a tour bus driving through town went through a stop sign. The driver and all 48 passengers, including a four-year-old girl, got tickets."   

NO ONE ALLOWED TO ATTEND 2015 SEMA SHOW

ATTENDANCE RULES TIGHTENED FOR POPULAR TRADE SHOW

Just days away from the much-anticipated opening of the 2015 SEMA trade show in Las Vegas, organizers have announced that no one will be allowed to attend.

"The show has always been closed to the public, and attendees have been limited to exhibitors and those working in the automotive aftermarket industry," said Dobbins Furth, a spokesman for SEMA, which stands for Specialty Equipment-something-something. "But the crowds have grown so large that this year," explained Furth, "we decided that no one will be allowed to attend."  

"It's unfortunate," complained an outraged Gallop Lee Norbutt, whose company will be exhibiting an exciting new line of cloud-based exhaust sounds. "All the cool cars and exhibits will be there, but no people," he said, shaking his head so forcefully his neck made crunching sounds.  

Furth said security guards will remove any trespassers and then will escort one another off the premises prior to the November 3rd opening.  As always, discount coupons will be available on the SEMA website.  

Ten days before the opening of the show, a security guard practices removing trespassers by advising
rehearsing car model Euphoria Pickins that she has to leave. The guard later threw himself out.

BRING A DUMPSTER

NEW SITE FEATURES AMAZING BARGAINS ON LUMPS OF WORTHLESS AUTOMOTIVE DETRITUS 

Whether you're searching for rusted chunks of a derelict and insignificant vehicle or looking hither and yon for a decaying hulk at a reasonable price, your options have been limited--until now. 

The unidentifiable scorched hatchback wedged in the salvage tractor's
claws is currently offered without reserve on BaD

The dolts behind Bring a Dumpster (BaD), a new website that went somewhat live this morning, claim they can save you the time and trouble of combing through muddy wrecking yards and cordoned-off fire and disaster scenes for your dream vehicle fragments.

"We leave the barn finds and the rare and classic cars to other websites," said BaD founder CeeLo Patterakis. "That is, unless the barn is infested with termites and has collapsed onto the car; then we're definitely interested," he laughed (until he began choking and turned maroon).  

Patterakis declined to reveal the new site's web address, claiming the information was "proprietary."  

MAJOR VEHICLE SMUGGLING TUNNEL DISCOVERED ON US-MEXICO BORDER

AUTHORITIES SAY AS MANY AS FOUR NISSAN NV200'S MAY HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH 

A 1,814-mile brick lined tunnel that authorities said "reflects the restless energy and extraordinary grandeur of the bygone eras of smuggling," was discovered yesterday after the night manager of a San Diego motel complained of a well-type structure blocking her driveway.  

A Nissan SWAT officer helps some other guys search the tunnel

"It probably wasn't the best place to put the tunnel exit," said Homeland Security spokesman Corky Lee Blankenbaker, who acknowledged that if someone entered the tunnel on the San Diego side, the exit would then become an entrance.    

After Blankenbaker sneezed twice, he advised that authorities--who were assisted by Nissan SWAT team members--believe at least four Nissan NV200 compact vans successfully made it through the tunnel that stretches from Nissan's Cuernavaca, Mexico manufacturing plant to the street in front of the Golden West Motor Lodge somewhere in San Diego (see unattached map).  

"They put a lot of work into this," said Blankenbaker, who we believe was talking about the tunnel builders but didn't want to ask because of his tendency to snap at reporters. 

The tunnel exit/entrance blocks the driveway of this motel

Heaven Gosdin, the manager of the Golden West Motor Lodge complained to authorities that her business has dropped significantly since the stacked-stone tunnel exit appeared in the street, and begged them to remove it as soon as possible. 

"I can't even get my little Mazda pickup out of the lot," she cried.

Authorities gave her an NV200 to drive in the meantime.  

HEALTH-CONCIOUS VANDALS TURNING TO SUGAR ALTERNATIVES FOR GAS TANKS

Recent medical research indicates that more and more (and perhaps more) Americans are trying to eat healthier foods. Increasingly, people are choosing lean dishes such as chickpeas and poached tofu, and cutting back on fatty processed meats like wienies and pork fritters.  

However, according to many dietitians, electricians and musicians, it's refined sugar that poses the biggest health risk, which is why so many Americans--plus all residents of Onion Lake, Canada--have switched to artificial sweeteners.  It's a shift that has propelled Splenda--made from sucralose and toasted dryer lint--to the top of the sales chart for granulated ersatz sweeteners packaged in a resealable yellow bag.  

And, at a press conference today, Splenda introduced their latest iteration, Splenda Gas.

"We believe everyone, and I do mean everyone, should be choosing healthier alternatives to sugar," said Splenda Marketing Director Faust Platt, who again emphasized that he did mean everyone.  "And that includes vandals."  

"Why use sugar to contaminate the vehicle fuel tanks of 
ex-wives, reprehensible bosses and annoying neighbors?" asked Platt. "Because now, there's a Splenda specially-made for that. We call it Splenda Gas."   

According to Platt, Splenda Gas clogs fuel systems as effectively as sugar, yet contains absolutely no calories or carbohydrates.  "At a time when cars are getting heavier and heavier, that's a big deal," he advised.  

Splenda Gas is available in the sugar aisle at all major auto supply stores.  

   

2016 ALFA ROMEO GIULIA OWNER'S MANUAL -- AS WRITTEN BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

RED COOLANT TEMPERATURE LAMP

Flashing: Perchance accursed engine, during they travels tis beginning to runneth hot. I humbly beseech you, my lord/lady, that thou dost driveth softly to reduceth engine load so that thee may fare well in thy travels.  

 On: Engine tis o'erheating. Pray tell, wherefore art thou o'erheating? Trait'rous leak may foul thy roadway. Shame! For Shame! Did thouest not service thine blessed cooling system, thou clay-brained hedge-pig? Such antics do not amount to a man! Bethink oneself that thee safely get thyself and thine fair Giulia, which maketh my heart fly, ov'r to the side of the road and turneth thy blessed engine off.  

TOO MANY PEOPLE STOPPING ALONG HIGHWAY TO READ ELECTRONIC SIGNS, SAYS HIGHWAY PATROL

The highway patrol said today it will start cracking up--or rather, down--on motorists who stop on the side of the roadway to look at electronic warning signs.  

"It's dangerous and I just don't know what the attraction is," complained highway patrol lieutenant Peridot Veetzi. "I mean, it's not like watching a movie," she said, adding, "Although, I suppose I'd rather watch the sign than the Hallmark Channel."

The new sign on Route 49 just west of Butedale has been attracting large crowds since its "Expect Delays" message was activated two weeks ago, said Veetzi.  "People bring the whole family and a picnic lunch and even take videos of the sign with their phones. It's crazy."  

This new electronic sign on Route 49 is very popular with
motorists, some of whom spend hours at a time watching it

Motorist Liam Neeson, who claims he's never heard of the actor of the same name, said he enjoys the company of other sign-watchers. "It's a real wholesome family atmosphere, you know?  We all sit and watch the sign and try to guess if the people driving by really are expecting delays."

FORD RECALLS FUSION TO FIX SELF-PARKING SOFTWARE GLITCH

Ford announced today that it will recall an undetermined number of Fusion sedans, the automaker's hottest-selling vehicle.  Other than the F-150.  Oh, and also the Focus.   

A 2014 Fusion passes an available parking space. The owner said the car
then parked itself in a disabled space down the block and wouldn't move

According to Ford spokesperson Edel "Don't Call Me Edsel" Bognog, some customers have reported a problem with the car's Active Park Assist feature, which is designed to automatically parallel park the vehicle with no input from the panic-stricken driver. 

"Rather than doing what it's supposed to do and maneuver into the parking space, the car ignores that space and finds an easier one a few blocks away," explained Bognog.  

One Ford engineer said they don't yet know what is causing the problem but that "something under the dash sure smells like burning plastic."  

JD POWER: "AUTOMATED MANUAL" BEST OXYMORON SINCE "DODGE RAM"

The automated manual, an complex but highly efficient transmission, was awarded the coveted "Best Oxymoron" award from marketing research and information firm J.D. Power at a raucous ceremony last night at the Red Roof Inn in Calabasas, California.  

Close-up of an Automated Manual transmission from a 2015
Lamborghini Isitaventorador LP-750-4 Superveloce Roadster

JD Powers employee Stuey Bloom
shows off Best Oxymoron trophy

"It truly is the finest oxymoron since Dodge Ram won back in 2008," said Power spokesman Stuey Bloom, who added that most people believe Volkswagen has already wrapped up next year's Best Oxymoron trophy for its Clean Diesel engine designation.  

"How could it NOT win?" asked Bloom rhetorically. 

DESPERATE FOR SALES, MITSUBISHI TO OFFER BUYERS SEXUAL INCENTIVES

It's been a tough road lately for Mitsubishi.  After making just 500-million yen last year in North America--equivalent to about 8.3-billion Mongolian Tugriks--the Japanese automaker decided in July to discontinue building vehicles in the U.S. and sold its Illinois plant to a company that plans to tear it down to build a world-class bog snorkeling facility.  

But according to spokesperson Giddie Kistner, Mitsubishi has no plans to leave the U.S. market. "We're committed to our U.S. customers and dealers, and are really focused on...um...crap, I lost my train of thought." 

According to Kistner, Mitsubishi plans to strengthen U.S. sales by offering customers what it calls some "particularly steamy" sexual incentives.  

"Most buyers don't care that much about $500 cash back anymore," said Kistner.  "Instead, they want...you know...some action."  

Kistner declined to go into detail about the incentives, saying the program was still in the planning stages and is being "tweaked by outside consultants." 

"I can tell you that the incentives are tied to the vehicle purchase price," she advised. 

"If someone buys a loaded Outlander, they're going to have a pretty good time," cooed Kistner.  "On the other hand, a customer who spends a measly 14-grand on a stripped Mirage will be lucky to get a quick grope in the showroom."  

OLD BEETLE NEVER DID FLOAT -- VOLKSWAGEN LIED TO US ABOUT THAT, TOO

Volkswagen officials admitted today that early Volkswagen Beetles never could float as claimed in a series of 1960's television commercials. 

"On behalf of our company, ja, I would like to offer yet another sincere apology, this time for claiming that der Type 1 Volkswagen was so airtight it could schwimmer...uh, float," said VW spokesman Mannheim Schteamvoller. "It was not true. Instead of float, it would go--how do you say it?--unterwasser."  

Es schwebt nicht

Over the past month, Volkswagen has also apologized for:  

-Using rigged software to cheat on diesel emissions tests 

-Misappropriating emaciated runway model Bentley Bentayga's name for use on a new SUV

-Claiming Fahrvergnügen meant "driving enjoyment" when it actually means "Bite the wax tadpole"

DODGE 'S UPCOMING FULL-SIZE EV: THE "CHARGEE"

The Dodge Chargee.  That's the name of the upcoming electric version of the Dodge Charger, Fiat Chrysler spokesperson Doyle Zinkey informed automotive reporters at a press conference and paella party yesterday.  

"The charger is the thing the car plugs into, and we didn't want to confuse people by calling both the charger and the Charger a charger," Zinkey tried to explain to indifferent fish-munching reporters.  

A 2017 Dodge Chargee test vehicle sucks up the juice

A base model Chargee will debut next fall and will feature a range of approximately 120 miles, according to Fiat Chrysler.  

Six months later, a Chargee HellWatt model will debut, providing a higher level of performance and synthesized exhaust sound from 19 weatherproof Harmon Kardon exterior speakers.  

CHIP FOOSE -- THE EARLY YEARS:

U-HAUL'S OLDEST MOVING TRUCK RETIRING FROM SERVICE

After nearly 100 years of providing hundreds of thousands of wind-blown and bug-toothed customers with a true Adventure in Moving, U-Haul's very first rental truck is finally being pulled out of service.  

"She still runs good," said U-Haul spokesman Chuck "Chuckles" Ricochet, who added, "I wouldn't hesitate to drive her across town or across the country right now, although it'd be more enjoyable if it had a windshield and a radio."

Nicknamed "Floozy" after the founder's third wife, the truck has traveled sufficient miles to journey to the galaxy SXDF-NB1006-2, or approximately 12.9 heapalightyears.  It is powered by a 1.5-horsepower two-cylinder engine that runs solely on lamp oil, which, according to Ricochet, can be a challenge to find in some areas. 

Ricochet noted that the truck is equipped with U-Haul's iconic Mom's Attic extended storage area, although he acknowledged that Mom has been dead since 1931.   

FOUND: AUDI'S SECRET LOGO REPOSITORY!

According to a source, Audi stockpiles its inventory of logos in this old metal warehouse
in the village of Gesundheit, near the automaker's Ingolstadt headquarters

MAN WINS LAWSUIT AGAINST MAKER OF DEFECTIVE AIRBAG

A jury today ruled in favor of a 26-year-old Piapott Falls man who was injured when the defective steering wheel-mounted airbag in his car deployed with what his attorney called explosive force following a minor rear-end collision.     

Ringo Sangria was injured when the airbag in his car deployed

During his testimony, Ringo Sangria told sympathetic yet somewhat amused jurors that he has "learned to live with" the steering wheel logo and various stalks and controls now embedded in his skull, although he claimed he can no longer sleep on his side and is frequently charged extra for haircuts. 

Jubilee Sackman, the lead attorney for Yakatori, the airbag manufacturer, conceded that the safety device was indeed defective, but said that Sangria has become what she termed, "somewhat of a celebrity" since the accident. 

She referred to the testimony of one defense witness who claimed Sangria approached a woman in a bar, pointed to his own nose and asked, "Hey babe, want to toot my horn?"

STORIES OF HARDSHIP EMERGE FROM CAMPS OF QUARANTINED VOLKSWAGENS

Thousands of Volkswagens and Audis equipped with the scandal-tainted TDI diesel engine are stuck in U.S. ports waiting for the emissions testing debacle to somehow be resolved, and, each day, more heartbreaking stories emerge from the densely-packed tent cities that these marooned vehicles call home. 

"There isn't sufficient shelter, so most of these cars sit out in the elements for days at a time," said vehicle rights activist Kumho Sipe. "They've already endured a long journey just to get here, and now for them to be locked up like deviant cattle is inhumane. Or should I say, inautomotive."  

A tent is defaced with anti-Audi writings.  

Security forces respond almost daily to altercations between confined Volkswagens and Audis, claimed one source who did not want to be named because he already has a name that he says he likes. 

"If something isn't done soon, there's going to be oilshed, particularly between the GTIs and A3s," he predicted. "They're hot little hatches, if you know what I mean."

With little electricity and too few compressors, batteries become weaker and tires slowly deflate. "There are even reports of surface rust," claimed activist Sipe. "That's something we thought we had practically eradicated." 

"America, or maybe AAA, should do something to help these poor vehicles," said Sipe, adding, "It can't go on," he added. "Something is going to get dented."  

HATCHBACKS FOR HUMANITY CELEBRATES 10th ANNIVERSARY

 Hatchbacks for Humanity, a volunteer organization that builds bland and uninspiring cars for the less fortunate, celebrated its 10th anniversary at its headquarters yesterday with plenty of cake and Diet Squirt to go around.  

"Our vision is a community in which everyone--regardless of their income or legal driving status--can own a mundane, underpowered hatchback with sticky brakes and lifeless steering," Hatchbacks for Humanity President Paco Lumpkin told an attentive crowd of nine, all of whom appeared to be there just for the cake.  

Hatchbacks for Humanity volunteers practicing looking in different directions

Mayor Kissie Canaveral was on hand to read a proclamation that included a seemingly endless litany of "whereas's" before thankfully getting to the "thereby," and christened a new bright red hatchback by smashing a bottle of Night Train Express against the car's right front fender.  

"We're going to keep churning these things out until everyone has a hatchback," vowed Lumpkin as Canaveral, on her hands and knees, licked dripping wine off the car.    

BEING SLUMPED OVER THE WHEEL NO LONGER HAS TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE

INGENIOUS NEW STEERING WHEEL DESIGN CUSHIONS UNCONSCIOUS OR DECEASED DRIVERS WHO ARE SLUMPED OVER THE WHEEL

Features of the Model 1055 steering
wheel include a cushioned hub and
rimless upper section 

"'Slumped' even sounds uncomfortable, doesn't it?" Pigeon Stapleton asked rhetorically.  Stapleton's company, Catatonic Controls of Slunt Falls, recently released its innovative Model 1055 steering wheel for drivers who, for whatever reason, wind up face-down on the steering wheel.  "We like to say our steering wheel is slumpable," Stapleton laughed, exposing a gleaming silver front tooth.   

Unlike most steering wheels, the Model 1055 features a rimless upper section and a soft leather cushioned hub.
"Statistics show that 99-percent of slumpers go face-down on that part of the steering wheel," Stapleton explained. 

"Being slumped over the wheel shouldn't be uncomfortable,"
says Catatonic Controls president Pigeon Stapleton.

"Some of our customers are those who have too much to drink and don't want to drive, so they wind up slumped over the steering wheel in a parking lot," she said. The Model 1055 is more comfortable so they can get a better night's rest. The rest of the slumpers are usually, umm, dead."

FORD ESCAPE OWNERS COMPLAIN ABOUT PROBLEMS WITH FOOT-ACTIVATED LIFTGATE

"I used to love my car's automatic liftgate," said Tickle Louise Barth, the owner of a 2013 Ford Escape. "If my hands were full, I could just wave my foot underneath the bumper and it would automatically open. But not anymore."  

Tickle Louise Barth and her husband Bodie demonstrate the routine they
have to perform to activate their car's automatic liftgate

According to Barth and other Escape owners, once the underbody electronic sensor becomes worn, it takes a lot more than just a simple foot wave to activate the gate.  

"Waving one foot worked for awhile," said Escape owner Luvis Pucker. "Now it won't work unless I twirl both feet while jumping up and down at the same time," he complained. "For God's sake, I'm 68-years-old. Do you realize how difficult that is?"

But Barth and her husband Bodie have an even greater challenge. Their Escape's liftgate won't open unless they perform what resembles a gymnastic dance routine, which they demonstrated for us. "I'm so sick of it. It's embarrassing and my husband is tired of sore arms and oil stains on the back of his clothes." 

CALIFORNIA'S ROAD SIGN LETTER SHORTAGE: 5's AND 7'S ARE PULLING DOUBLE DUTY

"WE'RE IN BAD SHAPE. THERE'S NO WATER, AND NOW WE'RE OUT OF S's AND L's." 

Cookie Dispisner, Signage Director, California Department of Transportation

As shown on these highway signs, California has
resorted to using the number 5 to take the place
of the letter S, and an upside-down 7 to replace L

California just can't seem to catch a break. The drought-baked state has seen lakes dry up and rivers slow to a trickle. And, to make matters worse, the state revealed yesterday that its supply of the letters S and L for its highway signs is completely exhausted.

"We use thousands of S's and quite a few L's annually here in California," said Cookie Dispisner, Signage Director for Caltrans, the state's transportation agency.

"Because of supply problems, we're forced to use the number 5 as an S and upside-down 7's as L's. We're not happy about it, but that's all we can do until the supply problem is solved," she said.

According to Plinth University Professor of Transportation Studies Efren Wedgewood, the shortage is a result of letter manufacturers slowing production while they switch from summer to winter letters.

"Whatever the reason, it really 5ucks," complained Dispenser. 








  

VW TO REPLACE POLLUTING DIESEL ENGINES WITH HIGH-PERFORMANCE HAND DRYERS

The world's biggest automaker will attempt to move beyond the emissions scandal that has wiped out nearly one-third of its market value by replacing not-so-clean-after-all TDI diesel engines in nearly 11-million vehicles with Xlerator hand dryers, said a Volkswagen spokesman.  

An Xlerator XL-BW installed in a 2010 Volkswagen Jetta

"After evaluating numerous options, company engineers unanimously selected the Xlerator XL-BW high-pressure hand dryer to replace the diesel engines," announced VW spokesman Tonopah Spinks.    

"The Xlerator is like a jet engine," claimed Spinks. "It can push air out the exhaust pipe at 19,000 linear feet per minute with no turbo lag," he said. "And boy, is it clean."

Spinks acknowledged that current owners might be wary when it comes to replacing their diesels with the Xlerator. "I would guess that the only experience most customers have had with it is in the restroom at Applebee's. But once they get behind the wheel, we think it will blow them away," he said, winking a bloodshot eye.  

Affected vehicles will need to remain at the dealership for two to three days while the engine is replaced, advised Spinks. During their stay, the Red Cross will provide stranded owners with Mylar blankets and hoop tents. 


  

IS THIS THE 2017 JEEPSTER?

WHY ARE WE ASKING YOU? 

Older people who aren't dead might remember the 1948-1950 Jeepster, a topless four-passenger, two-wheel drive vehicle that Willys-Overland called "a daring, fun-loving dream."

The Jeepster was revived in 1966 after American Motors purchased Jeep, and the updated version lived on until 1973 when it was killed in a tragic skydiving accident over Packwaukee, Wisconsin.   

But the photograph above, which mysteriously showed up in our inbox this morning along with a recipe for a delicious Viagra and ginger smoothie, indicates the Jeepster might make yet another reappearance. We'll keep you posted, even though we don't know what it means to be "posted" in the first place.  

BTW, don't drink the smoothie before going to work.  

FIRST SHOCKING PHOTO OF EPA'S OUTDATED EMISSIONS TEST FACILITY!

"JUST LOOK AT THIS PLACE.  IT'S NO WONDER SOME COMPANIES THINK THEY CAN CHEAT AND GET AWAY WITH IT."  

Achilles Penfold, Retired EPA Lab Director

"Ive changed, but the lab hasn't."
Retired EPA Lab Director Achilles Penfold on
his first day (inset) and today. Well, yesterday.

Achilles Penfold describes himself as "a fresh-faced kid" when he was hired by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency to conduct vehicle emissions tests in the EPA lab.

"That was a long time ago," said Penfold, now 79 and the lab's retired director. "I've changed, but the lab hasn't." 

"It's too bad. It's important work," he complained.  "Look what's happened with Volkswagen," said Penfold. "The government is just going to have to spend the money if they intend to enforce emissions rules."  

In need of an update:  A Corvette is shown undergoing testing yesterday in the EPA's emissions laboratory 

COPS BUST GRANDMA FOR TOPPING OFF

Grandma was taken into custody yesterday by members of a police task force who claim she has been illegally topping off her tank at gas stations all over the county.  

Grandma is led away by officers. Her Cadillac, shown toward the
right side of the photograph behind the guy in the black shirt and camouflage
pants and below the hovering helicopter, was impounded.  

"It says right there on the pump, 'Do not top off'," said Sgt. Pavel Susabulb, who led the operation and bought coffee and croissants for everyone afterwards. "She's a scofflaw."    

The 86-year-old Grandma declined to comment to a Parksplug reporter as she was led away by officers.  

Susabulb said that in addition to topping off, Grandma will be charged with not removing her debit card from the slot quickly enough. "Once again, it says right there on the screen, 'Remove card quickly'," said Susabulb as he escorted her to a police van, adding, "Some people never learn."