VW TO REPLACE POLLUTING DIESEL ENGINES WITH HIGH-PERFORMANCE HAND DRYERS

The world's biggest automaker will attempt to move beyond the emissions scandal that has wiped out nearly one-third of its market value by replacing not-so-clean-after-all TDI diesel engines in nearly 11-million vehicles with Xlerator hand dryers, said a Volkswagen spokesman.  

An Xlerator XL-BW installed in a 2010 Volkswagen Jetta

"After evaluating numerous options, company engineers unanimously selected the Xlerator XL-BW high-pressure hand dryer to replace the diesel engines," announced VW spokesman Tonopah Spinks.    

"The Xlerator is like a jet engine," claimed Spinks. "It can push air out the exhaust pipe at 19,000 linear feet per minute with no turbo lag," he said. "And boy, is it clean."

Spinks acknowledged that current owners might be wary when it comes to replacing their diesels with the Xlerator. "I would guess that the only experience most customers have had with it is in the restroom at Applebee's. But once they get behind the wheel, we think it will blow them away," he said, winking a bloodshot eye.  

Affected vehicles will need to remain at the dealership for two to three days while the engine is replaced, advised Spinks. During their stay, the Red Cross will provide stranded owners with Mylar blankets and hoop tents.