DESPERATE FOR SALES, MITSUBISHI TO OFFER BUYERS SEXUAL INCENTIVES

It's been a tough road lately for Mitsubishi.  After making just 500-million yen last year in North America--equivalent to about 8.3-billion Mongolian Tugriks--the Japanese automaker decided in July to discontinue building vehicles in the U.S. and sold its Illinois plant to a company that plans to tear it down to build a world-class bog snorkeling facility.  

But according to spokesperson Giddie Kistner, Mitsubishi has no plans to leave the U.S. market. "We're committed to our U.S. customers and dealers, and are really focused on...um...crap, I lost my train of thought." 

According to Kistner, Mitsubishi plans to strengthen U.S. sales by offering customers what it calls some "particularly steamy" sexual incentives.  

"Most buyers don't care that much about $500 cash back anymore," said Kistner.  "Instead, they want...you know...some action."  

Kistner declined to go into detail about the incentives, saying the program was still in the planning stages and is being "tweaked by outside consultants." 

"I can tell you that the incentives are tied to the vehicle purchase price," she advised. 

"If someone buys a loaded Outlander, they're going to have a pretty good time," cooed Kistner.  "On the other hand, a customer who spends a measly 14-grand on a stripped Mirage will be lucky to get a quick grope in the showroom."